ouch

I have been eating way to much gingerbread today, and even more gingerbread dough. My stomach hurts! I havn't been doing much more than baking today, apart from chillin', watching a couple of episodes of Buffy, and spontaneously cleaning the fridge.

Ida, Hannah, Sandra and Rob came by to hang out, at different times, and tomorrow will possibly be a bit the same. Exept Maria will be gone. She leaves for Sweden early tomorrow morning. And Olof is leaving to! So strange to be alone in the house. Can't imagine what it will be like. Exept that I might eat a lot of fish. And playing video games with Johan. But I'll miss Maria (and maybe Olof to, a little bit). 

Last night was great fun and I have my new glasses now! With great eyesight and a few glasses of wine and quite a lot of rum and the most fun friends anyone could wish for I had a truly good time. And today I didn't have hangover at all! Great stuff like!

Speaking of like, I have started talking with a really broad Cork-dialect. And it's really annoying me. I'm not from here and it's kinda... poser. But I really don't try to! It comes all natural like... 

What's wrong witcha'?! Story like?! (Yes. I sound silly. I didn't talk skånska in Skåne so why all this now?)

Tonight I had the strangest dream. My mother and I were walking down this long road. All around us there's beautiful autumn nature, but the road is muddy and covered in trash. There is someone else there, it might be Maria, I don't know. And I meet - someone, someone who is very special to me and who I miss very much. I'm walking beside him, talking, when we encounter a guard in the road. Behind him is a hill, the road goes over the hill. To our left there is a lake and to the right there is some kind of house. The sun is shining, the air is scandinavian cold. The person by my side is silent and grumpy, smoking a cigarette. My mother asks the guard if we can pass, explains that we really want to continue walking on the road, but he says no. She says "we promise to be nice" and he says that well, alright. But this persone, this special person, he picks something up from the road, a long stick with a peice of broken glass on it, I have no idea what it is, and he throws it in the lake. The guard is really mad and says that we absolutely can't pass. We beg him and tell him that this is the road we always walk, but he says no. Then we hear a sound, and the guard tells us to run and hide. Over the hill comes a very big bull running. He is big as an elephant with long, sharp horns. We turn and run, and try to hide behind the corner of the house, because that is the only shelter around, but the bull sees us and follows us around the corner and it's coming against us, and I wake up. 

Now. It's a bit late and I think I'll maybe watch an episode of Flight of the Conchords or something. 

Sleep well world.

Listening to: Sun Ra and Be Good Tanyas.

stand tall

So I reach my limit and I break down and I'm lost in darkness and I loose all hope and I fight through it and go insane and start laughing at the pain and shake it off and go back to normal.

Normal in ths situation being shutting up about how I feel until I reach my limit and it repeats.

I can't really talk about it. I am surrounded by people who care about me and who I care about but I don't tell them anything and I feel kinda bad shutting them out but I don't have a choice.

But I'm cool. I hold it together. I have a stable ground of happiness to build myself on.

It's strange, to be happy and still hurt so much.

And I'm sorry but it does really hurt. Of course it hurts. I can't think of anything but you.

Today work was kinda slow. I got a really nice email saying that my support was great and stuff. I was a bit insane and funny and it's really easy to be happy in my workplace. It's so nice to have Ida and Hannah back. And me and Maria ate taco fries for dinner, and gingerbread (peppercookie!) dough for dessert while watching Buffy and Angel. I'm almost done knitting a baby hat for Carolines baby again since the first one I did was to small. After that I'm going to finish three christmas presents, and then I'll have to take it easy with the knitting for a while if I want to finish all the christmas cards and stuff...

And I'm dreaming about going to America, or getting lazer eye surgery. But I get my new glasses on friday and they are so gorgeous that I might want to keep my bad eye sight. So I'll probably just keep paying debts untill they're payed.

Tomorrow I'm making gingerbread dough, not the kind I ate today, which is prefab, but the real real kind, that's tricky to make without a machine. But I'll give it my best. And hopefully I'll make it. And maybe have a beer with Ida later. On friday, exept for getting my glasses, we have a team dinner, which will probably be awesome, as they tend to be.

There. Back to normal.

Listening to: Tracy Chapman - Collection

blues

Time heals nothing.

overload

There has really been to much going on in my head this week. It's impossible to write when I'm thinking this much. It's been a lot of drama and mixed emotions and shit, honestly. On so many levels.

I feel that I can safely share that this weekend is christmas cleaning weekend. And that I had a sight test today. And that I payed a debt.

When I catch up with reality I'll write about all the stuff that's going on, which is mostly work stuff.

And also... just so much. Nowhere to start.

Exausted I sleep instead

settled

I'm moving over to the IT helpdesk. On the first of december. Or, well, training starts then.

And today Ida came home from her two month vacation in the big world, and Hannah too.

And tonight there's a party at Fransiscan Wells for a lot of people who quit at the same time.

And tomorrow there's a party at some french guy's house and there's some going out going on but me and Maria are chillin' since we're doing our christmas cleaning this weekend.

And I'm still so tired I could sleep and work there is some drama and it makes me sad and more tired and other things make me tired as well... And work is slow and I am slow and sometimes I really want to have someone, but there's really no one here that I want.

november sun

I've been way to tired to post anything the last few days. I guess stuff has been going on that would be interesting to read about if you find my life interesting, like a really fun team dinner, juntameets, extremely good fish soup with saffron and chilli and orange and carrots and red lentils and salmon and haddock and guess if it had lovely colours?

Yes it had. Tasted good too.

Apart from that I've cleaned a little and planned a lot more cleaning, coloured Maria's hair, made lasagna, been tired and actually not so much more. Today is thursday and this week has swooshed by as in a haze.

Well anyhow christmas is here!

remember

"You will forget me. Everyone forgets about me."

And yet there is nothing else that haunts my mind like you. Every day, every hour, every heartbeat you are in my mind, in my heart. Time passes and life changes but that does not change.