Baking with depression

Day 1: Think about baking. You want to bake something. It would be nice.
Day 2: Try to figure out what to bake. Look at pinterest for a few hours.
Day 3: Decide on a cheesecake. Not TOO complex, but still good!
Day 4: Find the right recipe.
Day 5: Get someone to buy you some of the ingredients.
Day 6: Anxiety.
Day 7: Watch cartoons.
Day 8: Sit down and look through the recipe. Realize that you still need some ingredients.
Day 9: Try to go to the shop! Fail. Get drunk instead. (Not as drunk as you want to be. You started too late.)
Day 10: Be hungover? Not as much as you could have been if you were as drunk as you wished that you were! So... small win. Get someone else to come to the shop with you. Buy the last couple of things. Combine ingredients according to recipe  (more or less). Follow instructions (more or less). Maybe success? (We'll see! Haven't made it all the way there yet.)

Nothing happened

My past is full of betrayals, my head is full of horrible memories, my heart is full of pain. Still, after all this time. Details have started melting away but the pain is fresh.

But in reality, nothing happened. There was no consequences. Being bullied and thrown out of school for being unpopular  (yes, it actually happened) led to me being lost and broke and homeless but I'm still alive, I had wonderful friends who took me in and now there's not really any consequences left. I don't have the education that I wanted but on the other hand I didn't have to spend any more time in that place.

Having pretty much all my valuables stolen by someone I trusted led to me not having some things that meant a lot to me - the sewing machine my parents and grand parents gave me for my 25th birthday, the amazing digital camera I bought from one of my best friends, a hard drive with all the photos I ever took and even my sex toys(!!!) - but at least I don't have him in my life anymore. I miss my stuff a lot still, but the ice cold betrayal hurts more. I thought he was my friend, but he lied and schemed and spread rumours and, well, stole shitloads of things from me. I feel so disgusted by it. He even beat up my father.

How does a human being sink so extremely low?

I know that there are worse people. Murders and wars and bombs and assaults happen daily. I just don't understand it. Mean, selfish, cold people prey on the weak. I was weak. I was extremely depressed already, he made me think that he cared about me and then he threw me out and stole all my valuable things. Personally valuable or monetarily valuable didn't seem to matter, so it wasn't only about personal gain for him. It was about doing as much damage as he could.

And what happened? I moved to a way nicer place. I got rid of a horrible person. In general my quality of life improved.

Nothing happened. I'm okay. I'm still battling depression but as mentioned I was before that asshat took advantage of me, before I went to that shithole school. Even before I lost my job.

One day, I'll get better. They never will. You can't get better from being a really fucking bad person. You will always have done what you have done.

Being a creative person with a depression

[17/09 16:29] Kristina: Ugh. Whenever I let my mind wander I get super obsessive over shitty stuff
[17/09 16:29] Kristina: Like that one time I said something wrong at a party
[17/09 16:29] Kristina: Or that one person who probably thinks I'm an idiot
[17/09 16:30] Kristina: Or that time I was kinda mean to someone
[17/09 16:30] Kristina: And then I get upset over caring about people who don't matter at all
[17/09 16:31] Kristina: Like WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME WHY AM I OBSESSING OVER THIS
[17/09 16:31] Kristina: And then I go on to obsess over some other meaningless shit!
[17/09 16:31] Kristina: Or keep obsessing over the same shit some more
[17/09 16:32] Kristina: It's so difficult to do anything when my brain just screams at me "YOU WORTHLESS PEICE OF SHIT REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN YOU GOT TOO DRUNK AND ACTED LIKE AN IDIOT HAHAHAHA YOU SUCK SO BAD YOU'RE A SOCIAL RETARD"
[17/09 16:34] Kristina: "Why do you even paint you're so exceptionally awful at it there is nothing good or original about anything you do hahaha you're so fucking bad at everything"
[17/09 16:35] Kristina: And I try to explain to my brain that not everything has to be original, there are GENRES for a reason, it's not like I can invent new colors. And I'll never get better by avoiding the things I like. But my brain doesn't care at all. It just starts screaming about something else.
[17/09 16:36] Kristina: It's so hard to focus with this constant hate in my head
[17/09 16:42] Kristina: This happens EVERY TIME I don't have some kind of thing to entertain me
[17/09 16:42] Kristina: That's why I always watch stuff or listen to books
[17/09 16:42] Kristina: That's why I hate going to bed if I'm not tired enough to fall asleep immediately
[17/09 16:43] Kristina: Just listening to music doesn't help
[17/09 16:43] Kristina: The same when I play games that don't take almost all of my attention
[17/09 16:44] Kristina: Like any situation where I have a possibility to think about anything

All this pain

How can it all fit inside me while I'm feeling so small?

I've been crying so much today. Maybe yesterday? Saturday or Sunday? I don't remember. The last few days are a blur. I'm so stressed out, about stuff beyond my control. I can't relax. I sleep too much and I have rage outbursts and panic attacks and uncontrollable crying. My appetite is messed up. My body hurts, like I've been running for hours.

My mind is like a blender. My head feels like it's breaking. Cracking.

The stress makes me testy, annoyed, angry. The anger has a domino effect, it's explosive. I get so angry just because I'm angry. I have no reason for it and I get so angry at myself! And it just grows, way out of proportion, way beyond my control. I slam doors and scream. And I hate myself for it.

Inside me there is constant chaos. No rest. No respite. Constant fighting, running, reaching for the surface, for light, for air. No possibility to relax and catch my breath. Not once.

But last night I fell asleep with a smile, even though I woke up in a panic a couple of hours later. Running in my nightmares, never safe, never a moment of rest. I fell asleep again and returned to the nightmare, to the panic. When I woke up again I woke Chris up and made him talk to me. He talked about skateboarding.

I hope that I can get a shrink appointment soon.

Spoons

Generally around one. Use one spoon for eating breakfast. Rest an hour or so. Use one spoon for unpacking a box. (Unfinished.) Feel lost and confused.

Spending a lot of time in my head. Making myself sad. Should make important calls and pay important bills but my head hurts and my heart too.