you guys you guys

I'm so exited about textile!

WOMEN UNITE please!

Varje dag blir jag bombarderad av arga röster från mina medsystrar.

Varje dag läser jag om orättvisor mot kvinnor.Varje dag ser jag hur samhället cirkulerar kring att kontrollera kvinnor. Varje dag hör jag hur trötta och arga kvinnor är på att vara fast i en sjuk struktur. Varje dag känner jag att jag inte orkar längre. Men det jag inte orkar med är inte outbildade eller naiva män, det är inte sexism i media, det är inte våld, sexbrott och hot, det är absolut inte feminismen.

Det är kvinnor som inte bryr sig.


Varje dag ser jag kvinnor som inte bryr sig. Kvinnor som inte bryr sig om att de är underordnade. Kvinnor som inte bryr sig om att de dansar efter patriarkatets pipa. Kvinnor som inte bryr sig om andra kvinnor. Som inte bryr sig om alla de kvinnosakskvinnor som kämpat för deras rättigheter i tidigare generationer. Som inte bryr sig om flickor som gifts bort när de är sju eller som säljs eller prostitueras eller bara glöms bort. Kvinnor som hjälper till att hålla den här skeva maktstrukturen på plats. Kvinnor som talar om för mig att jag borde lägga ner, att jag är tröttsam. Kvinnor som tycker att de hör hemma i köket och att alla andra kvinnor också gör det. Kvinnor som blir arga för att jag är högljudd och tar plats. Kvinnor som inte vill kalla sig feminister.


Varje dag ser jag all jävla orättvisa och alla de som kämpar med mig, och varje dag blir det mer och mer tydligt att kvinnornas största fiende är vi själva.


Men jag tror på oss. På oss allihopa. Vi kan. Vi kan enas. Vi kan kämpa. Vi kan hålla varandra om ryggen. Vi kan och vi måste. En jämställd värld är möjlig.

----english-----

Every day I am bombarded by angry voices from my sisters. Every day I read about the injustices against women. Every day I see how society circles around the control of women. Every day I hear how tired and angry women are, to be stuck in a diseased structure. Every day I feel that I can not cope anymore.

But what I can not cope with is not uneducated or naive men, it is not sexism in the media, it is not violence, sex crimes and threats, it is certainly not feminism.

It is women who do not care.


Every day I see women who do not care. Women who do not care about that they are subordinate. Women who do not care that they are dancing after the pipes of Patriarchy.Women who do not care about other women. Who do not care about all the feminists who fought for their rights in previous generations. Who does not care about girls who are married off when they are seven or sold or prostituted or just forgotten. Women who help keep this skewed power structure in place. Women who tell me that I should just let go, that I'm tiresome. Women who feel that they belong in the kitchen and that all other women do too. Women who become angry because I'm loud and take up space. Women who do not want to call themselves feminists .
Every day I see all the fucking injustice and all those who fight with me, and every day it becomes more and more evident that women's greatest enemy is ourselves .

But I believe in us. In us all. We can. We can unite. We can fight side by side.
We can have each others backs. We can and we must. An equal world is possible.

manx mists

So I'm still at IoM and I'm feeling better both mentally and physically. Being sick always makes me sad. But yesterday Maria and I went to like three different towns and bought some yarn and a new hat and some other small things that I could almost afford so I feel a bit giddy over my new hat and... yeah! Stuff! Owning physical things induce happiness! Scary but true. 

Another thing that makes me really happy is this whole new "two boyfriends" deal. It's pretty frackin awesome, let me tell you. I can see what people might think, that it's wrong or not as special or whatever but these two relationships are extremely different and might also not function without each other. I love two dudes. And I love a whole bunch of other people too. But these two dudes I love more than just like friends and they both love me back. I can't not smile when I think about it. And they both love me enough to be okay with me having the other. That's pretty much love from pretty open minded and amazing people. 

The fact that one of them lives in Denmark and the other in Texas definitely makes it easier. I live in Sweden. But the Danish one lives like an hour away. So the intimacy I miss from having a long distance relationship isn't a problem anymore and the stability that I want I still have. None of these relationships really lack anything - not more than any other relationship does - but when I have both I have everything I could possibly want, more than one relationship could possibly provide.

I feel very lucky.

sick and self doubting on the isle of man

My BFF Maria invited me to her tiny kingdom/magical fairyland/island/home for a visit and the first thing I do is get a fever. I came here on friday and it's monday now and I feel so shitty for being sick. I know it's stupid but my feelings are stupid sometimes.

I'm wrestling a huge monstrosity of self doubt. I feel like I wouldn't have an original idea if my life was on the line. I'm a hack. I have no education and no goals and nothing. I fail at everything and I have these vain dreams that mean nothing at all. I'm never going to be anything.

Hopelessness wraps itself around me like a wet, cold woolen blanket. Why do I think I can be something? Why do I fool myself?

Ugh.

In other news I have two boyfriends now. Double loved but still self loathing. So stupid.

in the mythical country of "denmark"

So I'm in Denmark, a magical and special place where the currency is bacon and where you can smoke indoors. I'm spending most of my time here in a bed.

On my feet again

I'm managing. I'm doing okay. I don't want to be dead.

I try to keep busy enough to not have time to think too much but not so busy that I become an emotional cripple from stress. So I do one or two things every day.

Yesterday I met my mom for coffee, and managed to only cry a little bit. And I went on a date! With a guy from OkCupid. It was a lot of fun. I guess we clicked. Had so much to talk about that the hours just flew by.

Dating while in a relationship is a bit confusing, but when your boyfriend is amazing and also a wonderful friend it's not that bad. I don't want to break up with him. Not even after meeting other people who I really like being with.

I spent the night in Copenhagen which was fun and felt like an adventure. Having a different country 20 minutes away is funny. I'm hoping on having at least one night out in Copenhagen some time soon.

Dina came by and visited today and that was also great. Again time passed quickly which I think is a good sign. When I feel very sad time moves really slowly, whatever I'm doing.

Tomorrow I'm meeting an old friend for coffee at 11 so it's time I went to sleep. It's 02:00!

Emo bitch

I wish I had killed myself already. Two years ago, when I started wanting to. I would have spared so many people so much pain and bullshit. I wish the last few years of my life could just not have happened.

I can't deal with this. I can't. It hurts so much.

I'm a miserable worthless piece of shit. I bring nothing but suffering to others. I hate myself.