small

I'm feeling... small and meanigless. It's like there's no place for me, anywhere in the world. Like I mean nothing to anyone.

I know I do, this is just the way I feel. We used to have such a good thing going here. Then Amalie moved, Hannah moved over to Socs, Ida became boss, Sara went to Sweden and Maria and Olof found eachother. And they are all still my friends and stuff, it's just that... theres not really the same kind of... team... stuff. I'm really bad at saying "hey, do you want to hang out with me?"

You would have thought that the two friends of mine that I imported from Sweden and who both live in my house and both work next to me would hang out with me, but they found each other and they have so much in common. They don't talk to me so much. They're not unfriendly, they just don't really include me in they're plans. And I don't like to ask. I wake up at nine thirty, it's saturday morning, they tell me that they're going to the park. ...and if I wanna come along that's ok. But hurry, please. 'Cause we really want to leave soon, or the whole day will pass.

I feel a bit like... fuck off. So I'm alone.

There's no place for me, nowhere on earth. I loose the people I love. Nothing is constant, everything is allways changing. Which is a good thing. Really. But does it have to change to me being alone?

My plans and yours

My plan is this: 8.8.8. A number to remember. The eighth of august two thousand and eight, that is. The day when the party happens. Mine and Ida's party. We turn 48 (or we both turn 24, choose for yourself) and we're having a huge party.

Your plans should be this: be there. And bring presents. I want T-shirthell-t-shirts. And a mocha... thingy. To make espresso in. A big fuckoff machine or just the little pot-kind. (I have no idea where I would put the machine though. My room maybe.)

home alone

I'm eating breakfast on the sofa, listening to eighties hits (I really hadn't listened to the lyrics of The Kink's Lola before) and alternative country. It's really nice. Eventually I'll do some washing, some cleaning, some showering and some going out. And some paying that damn bill of almost 300 euro.

I was looking at old photos. From last summer. Man, I was way cuter! Even after the accident! Even... the day after the accident!

Hm. I sould get out into the sunshine. Just got to finish my coffee...

wrong

I'm feeling utterly pathetic. Not only in the way of the emo, also in the way of everything goes wrong. (I'm a bad emo. I listen to Mr Mister instead of my bloody autumn leaves and bullets of iron and crackheads. And I don't look like the alternative kids who hang out outside Tesco.) Why all the death? Ok, the lady earlier mentioned who died, she was not very close. But yeah, it's really no fun anyways. And yesterday I found out that my mom might have to put her cat to sleep since he is terrorizing my cat, wich just feels... terrible and awful. I'm so sad for Artemis, who is the sweetest little ladycat, and who gets beaten up by Ramses. And I'm sad for Ramses who is obviosly very troubled. I really wish there was some other way, but he gets worse and worse. I don't know.

Today started out bad. Lot's of calls the first hour, which sucks cause I'm never awake. And yesterday was really bad. I am usually the happy one, I can handle customers even if they yell at me and I don't really let anything get to me. Two breakdowns in one day, not so nice. Today I got a norweigan call with a lady who had a really tricky accent and I almost started crying just from the frustration of not being able to communicate. I've got so much on my mind.

My first call from New Zealand came in today, and it took us a while to be able to tell her our opening hours. The support line is open to kiwi customers between seven and eleven at night. Great hours. It was fun anyhow.

Argh I'm tired and hungry and I just wish life could be a little bit easier right now.

fire

I might not feel angry in the morning. I'll wake up with a headache, yeah, tired and shit, but I might not be mad anymore.

I probably will though.

Just sent the angriest mail in my life, I think. Maybe I wont feel angry. Maybe I will still just feel... empty. Like I am now. Got it out of me I guess.

Yeah, you destroyed me. But don't feel sorry for anyone.

Wisdom

De ska va gött å leva, annars kan det kvitta.

Summer. Sun. I can't really write what I'm thinking right now. I can't really tell you how I'm feeling. Can't describe the internal battles I'm going through, trying to focus on what makes me happy when the same things are making me sad.

Well, apart from this quite double feeling things are quite peachy. Or, we got a surprise bill from the garbage disposal people. That was not so nice.

Downloaded the 100 best songs from 1966 last night. Great.

Broken

This weekend has been interesting and fun in many ways. On friday I hurt my eye and on saturday I hurt my toe and my neck is still hurting and yeah, other stuff hurt as well.

We had a great dinner yesterday, thaifood, and then we went to Fransiscan Wells where we had a great night, wich ended late, after an afterparty. The whole day was really good. And today, things are not so good. (Not only because Rebel Red is a really mean beer, tastes great but down three and your head is going to kill you the next day, there are other things too.)

Everyone dissapears. It's true. They dissapear like smoke, disintegrate, can't hold my attention. I have the attentionspan of a child. Everyone else. I did'nt plan this.

Whatever.

I discovered A3 today. And everyone is making fun of my bells. I really like them. I don't sound like a reindeer but above all I do not look like one! People are mean.

Also I can't remember when I felt so alone before. I'm sure I have, but not in a very long time. Not only alone, also lonely, and a bit forgotten.