What a weekend

On Friday I think I partied for 11 or 12 straight hours which is unusual for me! At least the last few years. I was at a mingle event and met an old friend, ate amazing sushi at izakaya koi, drank wine and irish coffee and weird grogs at Kalle's place and went to a party where I met a lot of new and exciting people! Some of whom I later had a fantastic night with.

On Saturday I was pretty hung over but it was a good day anyway. Today is my mother's birthday and we went to a viking market with Robin, who bought me a necklace that I fell so madly in love with. It's made of black oak with a bronze bead. I can't really say what I love so much about it but I never want to take it off. I think I'm going to make it my turn around symbol. Years of pressure and hardship has made me stronger and wiser and better. Black oak is mostly reclaimed wood from old sunken ships. (Robin has a peice found in an old well, and one found deep underground while making the city tunnel in Malmö.) I recognized it immediately and the man who sold it said that I was the first who did. I wish I had asked where this particular wood is from.

Anyway; my turn around symbol because I am getting stronger and things are turning around. I feel better and better. When stuff is difficult I think that I'm one of billions of people on a small rock hurtling through space. And as such I have everything I need. So the black oak, from a tree that grew over hundreds of years and then, after that, was probably felled and made into something by someone, and then, after that, waited for hundreds of years more before coming to me, will remind me of a lot of things.

Everthing passes. Everthing has an end. Good and bad.
Life is amazing and filled with surprises and love and beauty.
I, too, am made stronger from my experiences.
My whole existence - from womb to tomb - is nothing compared to this tiny peice of wood, once a living thing. And THAT in turn is nothing compared to the silly little rock it once grew on. This silly beautiful rock hurtling through space.
Stuff is going to get better from now on.

I also bought a small pot of smoked salt and some other small trinkets. And I finally did the vacuuming.

Now I think I'll watch a horror movie before bed.

I sing the body electric baby

Damn Alexandra has made me listen to a lot of lana del rey. Impossible to not fall in love with her. Lana that is, although Alexandra is a sweetheart as well. My friends' son fell in love with Alexandra big time. The infatuation of a child is so honest and pure and simple. He met her and decided that she was pretty much the best person ever and he wanted to be with her all the time. One glorious afternoon of sitting next to her and showing her stuff. A pretty stone on the beach. A painting he made. (Black paint on a paper plate.)

Three year olds are the best. I think it's the perfect age. After that you start to become a member of society but at three you're already your own person but completely honest and open.

Maybe I'm just late-night-a-few-glasses-of-wine-philosophical. But I miss the kids. Or maybe just kids in general. Tindras kids, Oscar and Maggies kids.

Conclusion: I want babies. But I also like sleep. And wine. So no rush.

knitty kitty

I updated my craft blog and can't be bothered to re-do all the linkylinks. Getting a lot of ideas from pinterest. Trying to watch a movie but I get so much ideas that I have to pin or moodboard or something. I have some yarn and I'm trying to decide if I'm going to make a shawl or a sweater.

Decisions decisions.

Sleeper

Fell asleep at two in the afternoon yesterday. Woke up at nine. Fell asleep at two at night. Woke up at eleven.

I am SO well rested now.

Reborn

Had the weirdest dream! Nine people who where reincarnated over and over again and had to find each other every time. Tried to understand what their quest was. Over and over. One was the leader. One was a scientist I think. There was a warrior as well. And there was a book.

One of the reincarnations was some kind of stone age. One was really strange, maybe a distant future.

Slept from two to nine. Really tired after an amazing week. One of my oldest friends was here with his wonderful, beautiful woman and their chaos troll cubs. I love them so much. I wish I could live with them. (But have a room of my own instead of sleeping on a leather sofa. Ugh.)

At the moment I'm watching "The Darjeeling Limited" by Wes Anderson who is one of my favorite directors.

And I think I'm going to be able to sleep! Amazing.

Summertime sadness

Somehow I get transported back through time. Back to when my heart was first destroyed. Back to a summer that was so warm that I took cold showers every day.

A different city. A different life. The same depression that never wants to let me go.

I'm more used to it now. It's as painful still but I have lived with the pain for years and I know that what it tells me is just lies. I know that my depression tries to trick me, tries to make me believe that I'm alone. Alone and forsaken.

It's all lies. I'm loved. I'm never alone.

But I still cry. I still get tired and need to go lie down after the challenge of just being awake for a few hours. I want to gey better. That's a good sign at least. I want to get better more than I want to die.
I must always have wanted that. Otherwise I would be dead now.

I want to be able to have a job. Maybe just part time. I want that so much. Until then I'll keep getting up every day even though it feels difficult. Even though I might have to go back to bed after just a few hours. It's okay.

Red wine and ideas

I was out with my mom tonight! It was really nice. We came up with a lot of great ideas and now I feel so inspired that I don't want to go to sleep.

I've already been up about an hour or an hour and a half since I came home (and I walked home!) so I think it's about time to call it a night. Damn that irish coffee at nine...