need

Youre like a drug to me. I need you to be happy.

I guess it was true (I've been here so many times now) then, but it's not the truth now and I should totally let go let go let go!

I'm feeling better, the sun is shining, Jupiter (who seems to be so in tune with me that he gets really low when I'm not well) is also up and running again and I'm in a creative mood, watching mostly good stuff and not so much crap, painting, writing, reading about interesting stuff on wiki. I realized that if the end really came, if some kind of apocalypse wiped out electricity and civilisation and everything, the internet would go away. My internet. It would cease to exist. All the servers of the world would go down and probably stay there. The mere thought makes me want to cry. Really. And I think I can say easily what I would miss most. Wikipedia and Google. I spent more time on wiki than I did reading books last couple of years. 

I don't play online games, I don't have online friends, I don't hang in chatrooms or whatever, I just want to have all the information I could ever possibly want at my fingertips. I want to be able to find out what kind of disease I have when the doctor says "Tonsilitis", I want to know how many kinds of melons exist, I want to have the possibility to learn that rats are metacognitious, I want to be able to learn what that means, I want to learn exactly what Durga is the godess of, I want to be able to choose my favourites from hundreds of pictures of albino peacocks, I want to download Marvin Gaye and the Starship Titanic-novel as a pdf and obscure anime and japanese action movies that never ever made it to DVD and I want to know exactly what a specific car model looks like when mentioned in some book and so on. And oh yeah. IMDB. ("Uhm... what's that actors name... you know, he starred in... uuuhm... that movie with that guy that was also in Stand by Me?" Lets see... Stand by Me - River Phoenix - My Own Private Idaho - Keanu Reeves! Man, I never remeber his name. Or, I do, sometimes. But mostly not. And as I also suck at film titles IMDB is something I totally rely on on an everyday basis.) 

So... I got stuck in a forum (with it's own wiki) called Zombie Squad, as I might have mentioned. Im good at getting stuck in stuff like that. Nerdpoints for me. Anyways I totally had to make one of these.  But I preffer reffering to it as an ICE-bag; In Case of Emergency. I am that kind of person for real, I want to be prepared if something shitty happens. Like war or earthquake or if Maria would have an allergic attack due to fish poisoning. We have a list of important phone numbers in the kitchen, I have several ICE-numbers in by phone, the first page of my Filofax has information about who to call if something would happen to me. Several numbers. I am that kind of person, really, I don't want to stand there like an idiot if something happens and not know what to do. I want a plan. 

Anyways. I started making this BOB or ICE-bag on thursday. That night I had terrible nightmares, all night. This could be because my ear infection made me dizzy wich in turn lead to nausea, as mentioned, but the fact that my nightmares where all about a zombie apocalypse, all night, as soon as I fell asleep, does not necessarily have to be because of that. So no more bagplanning for me. Especially since I in the dreams where I did not die realized I had brought the wrong stuff. My survival will not depend on if I have a bag of dry socks and batteries and bandaids, it will depend upon me. I don't really expect an apocalypse, not really, but I do find the thought interesting - but when it comes - if it comes - I will not survive by having a damn bag ready. So I decided that when the end comes, if I still live, I'll just throw all my paint and brushes and pens and pencils and papers and everything in a bag (any bag) and try to make the best out of the situation. Maybe try to make what's possibly left of the world a little prettier. In my dream I realized what I really needed whas the same things I need now - my basket of crafty stuff. Peices of string and rolls of copperthread and different kinds of colour and small stickers. And a basic range of acrylic colours (exept blue, I have like five different blue, my favourite being prussian). So yeah. That was a very calming revelation. 

Today I have spent way to much time thinking about my past and way to little time being outside in the sun. So time for a shower.

Listening to: All of my music on shuffle. At the moment Deep Forest - Sweet Lullaby (apollo Mix) and before I had finished writing that it swtched to Lamb - Little Things (Klute Mix) wich I don't like very much so I skipped on to Vybz Kartel - Ni ni ni.