Shitty shit

So today I found out that I won't be getting any money. I thought I was. The let down floored me and I went into some kind of suicidal stupor type of thing. I slept for five hours or so and woke up again around eight when my dad called.

Talking to him made me feel a little bit better and eventually I managed to eat some food and even make some hot chocolate. And I took a bath! And washed my hair! So living through this day and washing my hair and eating food; I must say that I'm impressed. Even though the thought of suicide was one of the things that got me through the day.

It's been a safety net for me for a few years now. When I have panic attacks or just feel insanely depressed I think about killing myself and I feel better. I don't know why but lately I've started being worried about how realistic those thoughts have become.

Ben has been kinda not awesome today but besides being a bit mad at him I just feel... well, nothing. I don't really care. I wish he would have been more present and supportive but he's not and I don't really care. My parents have been. And that's kinda surprising. I love them.

How is this supposed to work

Sometimes it hurts too much. Sometimes I just don't understand how so much pain can fit inside one person.

I feel pathetic. Useless. Lonely, so lonely, I hate being lonely.

There's a scream inside me, without beginning or end. The scream I'm constantly not screaming. I'm cold all the way into my soul. I'm a desert. I'm dead.

I'm a fucking emo. I despise myself for it. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Feels

Normally I get to bed pretty late but today I'm pretty tired. So I'm going to bed super early in stead.

Miss my darling. Miss him so much. All the time.

We're working out the issues that arise in polygamous relationships. It's going well. But I worry, because I am a human. I want to have a full life even though I love someone who is very far away from me. I want hugs and cuddles and stuff.

Also the last episode I watched of Fringe was so sad.

Otherwise it's been a good day. Done dishes and vacuuming and some tidying up. Talked to people I like.

Now I'm just really cold. Ugh.

Led bones

So tired, heavy. Body and mind moves slowly if at all. Every thought is painful, like I broke my brain and it's not healed. Every movement, electrical impulse, makes it start bleeding.

I miss Ben really bad. It hurts how much I miss him.

Papers. Important papers.

Just found a big stack of them. Hiding in a drawer.

It makes me so stressed that I feel sick. I feel stupid and I can't read what it says and there's a buzzing in my head that just won't stop.

I need help but there's no one to help me.

Today's symptoms

So today my depression is mostly physical. Sweating or cold sweating, nausea, stomach ache, tired and confused. Breathing is a bit difficult. Dizziness and sometimes black spots in my vision or slight tunnel vision.

It sucks so hard. I know that if I don't take it easy now I'm gonna have a panic attack, but taking it easy is so hard. I feel super stressed out about looking for work and making important calls and sending important emails but I can't. I need to lie down and breath deeply. Moment 22. Ugh.

Depression diary

Hello. The other day I wrote on Facebook that depression feels different at different times. I wrote that it felt like I was drowning in black slime.

Today I feel tired. Thoughts don't work. My head hurts really bad. I know I should be doing things but the pain makes me confused.

And a bit nauseated.