I've had a couple of intense days - weeks even - I can feel it affecting me. I feel empty. I have no will. Really, I want nothing. I get hungry and I go to the kitchen and stare into the frigde feeling completely uninterested in making something, putting it in my mouth, chewing, swallowing. I do it anyway.
I can't link thoughts together properly in my head. I get more forgetful.
I know that I need to take care of myself now. Take it easy today. But I feel bad about it. What gives me the right to put my own interests ahead of others? Why should I not try to be there for the people I care about? The are people who have it worse than me.
But thinking like that doesn't help me. It'll just make me more tired.
I try to do what others want me to do instead of what I want to do myself because I think that what I want is wrong. So what others tell me must be right. There's zero logic in that.
But saying no is really hard. I feel like shit. When someone wants to see me I should be thankful and do whatever is asked of me. I should feel honored. I do. I feel chosen when someone says they want to hang out with me. I feel like I should want it. If I don't want it I feel spoiled, arrogant. Who am I to say what's fun and not? Who am I to prefer the company of one person above another?
On Tuesday I went to the shrink. On Wednesday I went with a friend to a doctors appointment. Today I need to go to the library - and I also want to.
But I have a friend who wants to see me. I want to see her too but she lives about a 30 minute train ride away. I can't afford it but I can borrow her husband's train card while he's at work. Then I need to return before he quits to give it back. I love this friend and I love hanging out with her but the thought of going through this process has the following effects:
A dull pain in my neck and the back of my head
Slight loss of sight in the corners of my field of vision
A feeling like static buzzing in the background of my thoughts
And this should be enough to not feel bad about saying no.
(It's not. I feel horrible. I'm a bad friend and a bad person and and arrogant fuck and I should be ashamed for being so selfish.)
Constantly since I saw my shrink on Tuesday I've had the thought of making a failed suicide attempt to prove that I'm depressed. Because they don't seem to think that I am, since I never tried to kill myself. (Deciding to kill myself, preparing for it, that doesn't count. Only trying counts. Without trying, how can you be depressed? You can't.) If I tried to kill myself I would succeed. I've done a lot of research, I know the classic mistakes, I know the stats, I know what works and what doesn't.
I hate the whole "failed suicide attempts are a call for help but an actual call for help isn't" thing. Failed suicide attempts seem to be some kind of ritual, a passage into being taken seriously. I thought that committing myself and spending five weeks in a mental ward would do the trick but that was a year ago and my doctor seems to think that I'm cured by four years of being ignored. I'm not depressed anymore.
I'm worried that they would make me start taking meds again. I don't want more pills. I want help.
It's no use. I will never get any real help. The cbt is what I get. Four years of fighting, constantly, for my life and I get something else than what I need. I don't think they would get a cancer patient heart meds, or an amputee glasses, but depressed people should just shut up and take what's given. They should be thankful. For getting anything at all.
I think they want us to kill ourselves. We cost less dead. We take up less precious time.
I hate the health care system and I hate my depression and I hate this society with no space for the weak. I'm trying so hard to fight the destructive side of my illness and no one even sees it, no one says "wow that's pretty awesome, now sit down and relax for a few minutes" - instead they think that since I can still fight there must not be enough of a burden on me.
Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm just lazy and not depressed at all. Maybe I'm imagining everything.