Depression diary

Hello. The other day I wrote on Facebook that depression feels different at different times. I wrote that it felt like I was drowning in black slime.

Today I feel tired. Thoughts don't work. My head hurts really bad. I know I should be doing things but the pain makes me confused.

And a bit nauseated.

Ugh

Its sunday afternoon and my head hurts. I just had breakfast and now I'm drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette. 

I feel creative and frustrated about because I can't get it out. I can't do the things I want to do. 

But soon I'm moving south! I feel optimistic, more so than I've felt in a while. 

Hello

Been in such a turbulent mood today. Wavered between calling my psychiatrist and being over the moon. 

Now it's super duper late and I'm really happy and I feel like my life might come together somehow. Not sure how but still. It might work out. 

Miss Ben. But I'm so happy that I get to be his girlfriend and see him smile and talk to him. I'm so in love. 

Sick

I smoked too many cigarettes and didn't drink enough water. My head hurts and my stomach. 

I'm confused and sad and sometimes it feels like I'm getting a grip of that elusive little sliver of thread that will let me unravel this mess, but mostly I just cry a lot and feel apathetic. 

Fear

Maybe I'll never be happy. Maybe I'll always be falling, falling. 

I'm frightened and my heart is hurting. I want my life to begin but I have no idea if it ever will. I don't know what I want. I don't know anything. 

I want to make things, paint things. Be creative. Unstoppable, happy, on fire. 

Maybe that's my goal. A small cottage. A bit of savings. Try to live of my art and crafts and writings. Jewelry. My dreams. 

A house in the forest, a dog. Far away. 

Sigh

Got an email from the place I was at an interview, saying I didn't get the job. 

Time to take a deep breath and give this more effort. I need a job. Now. Yesterday. 

But the whole catch 22 thing drives me around the bend, I really need a counselor or something like it. I need to talk to a doctor, I need calm and routine to get the energy to actually manage to do a good job at looking for a job... But to get that I need a job. Ugh.

It all makes me so tired. 

Klipp dig och skaffa ett jobb

[clip day aw skaphah eht job] cut your hair and get a job

I'm at Dina's place in Lidingö, a large island that can be described as a suburb to Stockholm I guess. 

I went to a job interview last week and I really really really hope I get it, even though it would be hard to get time off to visit Ben. I'm going to ask Dina if I can print some cv's and hand them out at a lot of shops tomorrow. And I'm gonna translate it and apply for jobs in England as well I think. 

I feel directionless, I know where I want to go but it's a long way into the future right now, the path isn't clear. I don't know how to get there or even if I can. If I ever will. 

It makes me sad to feel that way and the sadness makes me apathetic. 

But I try to fight it. 

I should try to find a job somewhere else than in Stockholm I guess, it's so expensive to live here. 

I'm thinking of Enköping, a town an hour or two from Stockholm. A childhood friend lives there and I think saving money would be easier there. 

Being homeless and broke isn't all it's cut out to be. 

First off I'm gonna make a bunch of important phone calls. I hate making phone calls. But I'm gonna do it, right now.