safety in numbers

Sometimes I get so scared it feels like my heart shrinks, and it's hard to breath. Scared that nothing will ever work out, that I will fail at everything, that everyone will be mad at me.

That everyone will find out.

I made a desicion to tell people. Not everyone maybe, but everyone that could be affected, and so far no one really seems to care.

I havn't been keeping it a secret actively, I've told people if it comes up for some reason or if I want them to know for some reason, but I havn't been very open with it.

And the thing with telling people is that it's fucking scary. But I need to accept it and I need people to know because if they don't know they wont understand things about me. Why I do things the way I do. And I realized that there's a bigger chance that they would get mad, or at least annoyed, if they don't know the reason for my actions.

So I don't hide it. I tell people. And it almost makes me choke.

But well... I can't count.

Numbers has no relevance to me. I have problems with time and money and everything else measured in numbers. I can't handle basic math. I don't know by heart what 8+6 is. I don't know the times tables over three.

There. Now you know; I'm an idiot. Feel free to judge me if you want to.