Thursday 4 December 2014

Pod, metaphors, Christmas, motherly love

Some news my beloved readers!

- I have, with my dear, dear friend Alexandra, started a podcast that you should listen to!

- On Saturday I'm metaphor wrestling for the fourth time (I think)! It's great fun! Come and watch it if you are in Skåne! Inkonst, eight o'clock, free entrance! I won't be catpuppy this time. I will channel the Amazing Grace! She is from America and she likes God and Freedom and Guns.

- I have baked ginger snaps, or "pepper cookies" (literal translation from swedish). This is one of my two Christmas traditions. The other is making and sending cards. Woop!

- My mother came by yesterday with a gift calendar! The advent calendar is a big deal in sweden. There are lots of different ones. There's even an official one from the free tv and radio thing. It's a socialist thing. Yay sweden! Anyway the gift calendars are a fun way to spend more money on small objects for your beloved ones. I am so happy for mine! Even though I won't be giving away anything for Christmas myself.

I think that's all the news. I've been feeling down the last few days and decided to quit alcohol for a few weeks. I painted a painting that turned out pretty horrible. I bought a new eye shadow. I watched all of the new season of Downton. I ate some chocolate. I decided to make a doll thing that I still haven't started making.

Hugs and kisses from your favorite bloggie <3

Sunday 30 November 2014

Angst

I'm so hung over. I feel like poop.

Pooooooop.

At least I had fun last night.

Tuesday 11 November 2014

rug

crocheting a rug. feelin angsty.

Tuesday 4 November 2014

Pears and people

Met a new person today, finished my third test-dish-cloth and made pear/rum/ginger marmalade. AND bought some cheap eye shadows that where lovely. (Two of them where lovely, one was horrible but at least glittery and almost the right color.)

Feel pretty good! Now I need to sleep, looong day tomorrow (but I'll try to remember to post some pictures)!

Sunday 19 October 2014

Fresh to death

Is not what I am at all. Other things I aint:
Going to bed in some kind of "normal" time
Done with stuff
Rich and powerful

But whatever. I'm a model. I don't have to care.

On a more serious note I was thinking about stress hormones and what they do to the body. If you live in constant stress the hormones fuck your body up. Depression can make your body all broken and crappy. Not just your mind. It's a bit scary.

Things that are not scary:
Sims 4
Guild Wars 2
Kyle XY
Alphas

My favorite things right now.

Now it's almost Sunday morning. Goodnight.

Thursday 25 September 2014

Darlings

I have been writing a lot at a different adress lately. Let me know if you want it! <3

(I'll be updating here as well but I've been laying a bit low.)

Tuesday 16 September 2014

Demokrati och hat

Tänker tillbaka på när jag lämnade Sverige eftersom jag inte hittade något jobb. flyttade till Irland. Umgicks mest med andra svenskar, lite med danskar, norrmän och någon finne. Det blev bara så. Det är lättare att relatera till skandinaver.

Jag kunde flytta tillbaka till Sverige när jag ville. Jag var till och med här och hälsade på flera gånger. Hade jag inte haft den möjligheten så hade kontakten med andra skandinaver känts ännu viktigare.

För vissa innebär det livsfara att stanna kvar hemma, eller att åtevända dit. För vissa finns det inget hemma kvar. Tänk er att längta hem till något som inte finns kvar längre! Bara att vara född i Stockholm men uppvuxen i Lund gör mig till en något rotlös person, jag hör inte riktigt hemma på något ställe. Det är inget problem för mig. Tänk er att komma från en plats man inte ens minns? Att ha vuxit upp i Sverige, kanske född i Sverige men aldrig bli kallad Svensk. Hela tiden få frågan "var kommer du ifrån?" "Småland..." "Nej jag menar från BÖRJAN?"

Jag slipper det. Jag är en icke-rasifierad svensk cis-kvinna. Jag är varken spännande exotisk eller skrämmande och främmande.

Jag tänker på en taxichaufför jag åkte med en gång. Han var civilingenjör.

Sverigedemokraterna, som när jag var ung hade SS-tatueringar och var jävligt läskiga, sitter i riksdagen nu. De vill att vi som land tar emot mindre invandrare och "istället hjälper till på plats". Det kanske var de som fixade vapenvilan i mellanöstern? Eller hur menar de? Hur ska de göra för att människor ska slippa fly från sina hem? Det skulle ju vara fint om de kan genomföra något sådant mirakel. Men antagligen kommer det inte ske.

De vill att invandrare ska bli mer integrerade i det svenska samhället. Det är ju faktiskt genomförbart. De kan lägga fram lagförslag på att man måste kvotera in en viss procent människor med utlänsk bakgrund på svenska arbetsplatser. Den där taxichauffören skulle kanske kunna få jobb som motsvarar hans utbildning igen.

De ställer sig kritiska till islam bland annat för att "muslimer förtrycker kvinnor". Bra! Se till att hjälpa unga flickor ur tvångsäktenskap! Kvotera in KVINNOR med utlänsk bakgrund i svenska företag!

Av någon anledning är jag rädd att det inte kommer vara det som är deras högsta prioriteringar. Jag är orolig att de flesta i Sverigedemokraterna är högljudda och okunniga. Att de fortfarande bara vill sprida hat. Hindra istället för att jobba progressivt.

En otäck tanke kan jag inte bli av med. När kommer människor börja dö? När sker det första dödsfallet? Och varför? När kommer vi börja se lagändringar? Abortmotstånd, mindre hårda straff vid brott mot människor med utlänsk härkomst, hårdare straff när samma människor är de skyldiga? När kommer den mentaliteten ha satt sig så djupt i människors psyken att vi börjar avhumanisera rasifierade personer? När kommer den mentaliteten leda till att en människas liv inte är lika värdefull som någon annans?

Jag hoppas verkligen att det inte kommer hända alls. Men de senaste par månaderna har vi redan sett bevis på just den sortens mentalitet när högerextrema människors yttrandefrihet har värdesatts högt över antirasisters. Inte vänsterextrema utan bara människor som inte gillar rasism.

Här i Malmö, en stad där jag känner mig som hemma, en stad som jag känner mig trygg i, har det varit väldigt tydligt att det är viktiggare att rasister ska få säga sitt än någonting annat.

Googla på "Showan" och se hur det politiska klimatet på internet ser ut. Säg sedan att du är förvånad över att ett rasistiskt parti fått så mycket röster. Jag tror att många som röstade på SD vet mycket väl att de är rasister och röstar på dem av just det skälet.

Tuesday 12 August 2014

Ah woman

I'm so hooked on her I can't even think straight. I forgot to take my meds this morning. I feel scared and confused and intoxicated.

And I probably come on too strong. I probably scared her off. I haven't fallen in love in a while and I thought it was my meds but now I realized that it's just me not falling in love. Because suddenly I think I am and I'm not sure that I like it.

Thursday 31 July 2014

Roller coaster

Last week has been insane! Now I'm 30 and I feel pretty good about it. I had a great party and got some great presents.

Sunday 20 July 2014

Summertime cold

Right before I turn 30 is NOT the moment when I want the flu. Thanks but no thanks. I'm sneezing. My eyes are tearing up. And of course I'm super restless and can't sleep.

Ugh!

Tuesday 8 July 2014

It is the night

My body's weak
I'm on the run
No time to speak
I've gotta ride
Ride like the wind
To be free again

Now I'm not sure those are the right lyrics to the eighties hit "ride like the wind" or whatever. But I'm pretty sure about "it is the night" and I like that bit.

It's ten to three and I feel like I'm bursting with creativity and longing and energy. If I was a manic depressive I would be manic, but I'm just a boring old depressed person who feels like a million bucks for a little while but can't really keep that feeling or turn it into action.

If I was manic I would have cut my hair short and started writing two new books. I would sketch a lot of different sketches for different paintings and started a couple of them. I would cut up a lot of fabric for clothes I wanted to make. And then fall asleep. And then never finish any of those things.

Now I'm not manic. So I'm lying in bed (wait, is that the right spelling? I'm not telling lies, I'm lieing? No. Lie down? Not standing, not sitting. You get it. Whatever.) trying to muster up the energy to take my meds before I fall asleep. With a small storm inside me.

If I was manic I would have started fixing up my cv. Maybe even sent it to someone. I would have eaten something. I would have been awake until even later than this unholy hour.

I should sleep. Or take my meds and sleep. And stay off pinterest at night.

Monday 7 July 2014

Beat the heat

For a couple of days the south of sweden has been extremely hot. Yesterday I made a moussaka and a banoffi pie with a merengue topping. It was insanely hot in the kitchen. And outside it. I tried putting on makeup. It didn't really work out.

I bought a fan, the kind that folds up and doesn't need a battery. I'm happy that I did.

The dinner turned out great and in the evening I went for a sunset swim. Very lovely.

Today there has been quite a lot of thunder and lots and lots of rain. It's sticky and hot and my friend's car's alarm went off because of a lightning strike close by. We're watching top gear and sweating.

Over and out.

Friday 4 July 2014

Silly analysis

Reading about astrology (greek for "thinking about stars" - beautiful no?) and watching Elementary at the same time resulted in me analyzing traits a little. I have decided that Sherlock Holmes (at least the version of the character portrayed in Elementary) is a Virgo, born late in august. I have no idea if the character has an actual "birthday" (in the show or books) but he has a lot of Virgo traits. Joan Watson could be a Cancer. Possibly born in the first half of july.

Now it's really late and I can feel the night hunger starting to sneak up on me. And night eating leads to an even crappier sleep schedule so to bed I go!

I did do the cleaning today! And I paid a bill. Tomorrow I'll pay the other one. And meet my mother. And maybe start a new knitting, I have been experimenting with a design that I can't really get to work but I have some new ideas.

Thursday 3 July 2014

Smile

The faces that I draw are smiling. They used to look serious before, or sad. Even before my depression.

I'm at my most creative at night. I know in my heart that this is good.

I've been reading a lot about the zodiac. Not the murderer but the old astrological stuff. It's interesting, just a lot of symbols really. I know my mom has Jung's book on symbols somewhere. I would love to read it. Symbols are very interesting.

My thoughts flutter around like drunk butterflies, I love it. I'm inspired. Full of ideas, thoughts, fantasies, dreams.

The night time is the right time. The only thing I have to do tomorrow is some cleaning. And I hope I'll be able to make myself sew some things.

Either way I can stay up late and draw things. Smiling faces.

Tuesday 1 July 2014

Like a dream

Some days I feel like my dreams are close. I can almost touch them. Strange memories mingle with real ones.

Today is such a day. I feel inspired and restless but at the same time ... I don't know, distanced, detached.

Being awesome is hard

Soooo... I already throw amazing parties. I don't want to relive my childhood. I have the answers to a lot of questions - either in my heart or in my smartphone. I am def a rugged badass (when I want to be). I am witty enough. Dinosaurs never interested me much. The people that matter think I am smart enough. And I have lots of random no-strings sex. So I guess the only thing left to wish for is magic. My life must be pretty perfect.

Cool.

Sunday 29 June 2014

What a weekend

On Friday I think I partied for 11 or 12 straight hours which is unusual for me! At least the last few years. I was at a mingle event and met an old friend, ate amazing sushi at izakaya koi, drank wine and irish coffee and weird grogs at Kalle's place and went to a party where I met a lot of new and exciting people! Some of whom I later had a fantastic night with.

On Saturday I was pretty hung over but it was a good day anyway. Today is my mother's birthday and we went to a viking market with Robin, who bought me a necklace that I fell so madly in love with. It's made of black oak with a bronze bead. I can't really say what I love so much about it but I never want to take it off. I think I'm going to make it my turn around symbol. Years of pressure and hardship has made me stronger and wiser and better. Black oak is mostly reclaimed wood from old sunken ships. (Robin has a peice found in an old well, and one found deep underground while making the city tunnel in Malmö.) I recognized it immediately and the man who sold it said that I was the first who did. I wish I had asked where this particular wood is from.

Anyway; my turn around symbol because I am getting stronger and things are turning around. I feel better and better. When stuff is difficult I think that I'm one of billions of people on a small rock hurtling through space. And as such I have everything I need. So the black oak, from a tree that grew over hundreds of years and then, after that, was probably felled and made into something by someone, and then, after that, waited for hundreds of years more before coming to me, will remind me of a lot of things.

Everthing passes. Everthing has an end. Good and bad.
Life is amazing and filled with surprises and love and beauty.
I, too, am made stronger from my experiences.
My whole existence - from womb to tomb - is nothing compared to this tiny peice of wood, once a living thing. And THAT in turn is nothing compared to the silly little rock it once grew on. This silly beautiful rock hurtling through space.
Stuff is going to get better from now on.

I also bought a small pot of smoked salt and some other small trinkets. And I finally did the vacuuming.

Now I think I'll watch a horror movie before bed.

Wednesday 25 June 2014

I sing the body electric baby

Damn Alexandra has made me listen to a lot of lana del rey. Impossible to not fall in love with her. Lana that is, although Alexandra is a sweetheart as well. My friends' son fell in love with Alexandra big time. The infatuation of a child is so honest and pure and simple. He met her and decided that she was pretty much the best person ever and he wanted to be with her all the time. One glorious afternoon of sitting next to her and showing her stuff. A pretty stone on the beach. A painting he made. (Black paint on a paper plate.)

Three year olds are the best. I think it's the perfect age. After that you start to become a member of society but at three you're already your own person but completely honest and open.

Maybe I'm just late-night-a-few-glasses-of-wine-philosophical. But I miss the kids. Or maybe just kids in general. Tindras kids, Oscar and Maggies kids.

Conclusion: I want babies. But I also like sleep. And wine. So no rush.

Tuesday 24 June 2014

knitty kitty

I updated my craft blog and can't be bothered to re-do all the linkylinks. Getting a lot of ideas from pinterest. Trying to watch a movie but I get so much ideas that I have to pin or moodboard or something. I have some yarn and I'm trying to decide if I'm going to make a shawl or a sweater.

Decisions decisions.

Sunday 22 June 2014

Sleeper

Fell asleep at two in the afternoon yesterday. Woke up at nine. Fell asleep at two at night. Woke up at eleven.

I am SO well rested now.

Reborn

Had the weirdest dream! Nine people who where reincarnated over and over again and had to find each other every time. Tried to understand what their quest was. Over and over. One was the leader. One was a scientist I think. There was a warrior as well. And there was a book.

One of the reincarnations was some kind of stone age. One was really strange, maybe a distant future.

Slept from two to nine. Really tired after an amazing week. One of my oldest friends was here with his wonderful, beautiful woman and their chaos troll cubs. I love them so much. I wish I could live with them. (But have a room of my own instead of sleeping on a leather sofa. Ugh.)

At the moment I'm watching "The Darjeeling Limited" by Wes Anderson who is one of my favorite directors.

And I think I'm going to be able to sleep! Amazing.

Tuesday 10 June 2014

Summertime sadness

Somehow I get transported back through time. Back to when my heart was first destroyed. Back to a summer that was so warm that I took cold showers every day.

A different city. A different life. The same depression that never wants to let me go.

I'm more used to it now. It's as painful still but I have lived with the pain for years and I know that what it tells me is just lies. I know that my depression tries to trick me, tries to make me believe that I'm alone. Alone and forsaken.

It's all lies. I'm loved. I'm never alone.

But I still cry. I still get tired and need to go lie down after the challenge of just being awake for a few hours. I want to gey better. That's a good sign at least. I want to get better more than I want to die.
I must always have wanted that. Otherwise I would be dead now.

I want to be able to have a job. Maybe just part time. I want that so much. Until then I'll keep getting up every day even though it feels difficult. Even though I might have to go back to bed after just a few hours. It's okay.

Friday 6 June 2014

Red wine and ideas

I was out with my mom tonight! It was really nice. We came up with a lot of great ideas and now I feel so inspired that I don't want to go to sleep.

I've already been up about an hour or an hour and a half since I came home (and I walked home!) so I think it's about time to call it a night. Damn that irish coffee at nine...

Sunday 18 May 2014

Why?

Sometimes there's a lot of anger, sometimes sadness. The feeling of being powerless.

But I'm always wondering why. What made him hate me so much? What made him want to hurt me so badly? What made him lie and steal and threaten and beat up my dad?

Why? How can a person want to be so mean?

If it was just my valuables and not my clothes and my teddy bear and the things I knitted I guess I could have understood that. I guess I would have thought that it was just about the money that he could get from selling my stuff. But it's so much more. He couldn't sell my underwear. He must have taken it only to hurt me. And to want to hurt someone so much, it's scary. It's sick.

I can't understand it. I can't understand why.

Wednesday 14 May 2014

Are you a fox?

In my dreams I'm giggling. In real life I'm knitting. And trying to figure out a nice hood for my poncho.

Lost in a plethora of tabs.

Oh

What a night, what a day, what a week. What a ...life. Sometimes I feel like my life is a constant tumble down a slope. Down down down. I roll and fall. Sometimes there's shitloads of rocks. Sometimes there isn't.

Maybe that's the big secret. You keep falling all the time and sometimes you're not in pain and that's good. And that's it.

I started a new painting. I finished a shawl. I kissed a boy. I watched some anime. Life goes on. And one day it all ends and all the knowledge in my brain just ceases to exist. All my feelings and memories dissappear and nothing that I've done and nothing that has been done to me matters anymore.

I like that thought.

Tuesday 13 May 2014

Love hurts

But so do a lot of stuff.

Thursday 8 May 2014

Xylophone

I'm at a xylophone concert. I did not expect to be on a xylophone concert. But I am.

It's amazing.

Wednesday 7 May 2014

Can't sleep

My meds make me really... strange. It's hard to know if they turn me off or make ne feel better. At the moment I don't really feel anything.

I'm tired and I can't sleep.
I'm happy that sweden made it to the final of the eurovision.
I miss my camera.
I'm thinking that maybe I'll get a piercing or two. Before summer comes along for real.

But mostly I don't really feel anything.

Is it good or bad? Is it just the absence of pain or is it actually the absence of feelings? Did I do the right thing when I broke up with both of my boyfriends?

I think so. Maybe I'm getting better. Maybe that is what this is. I don't know.

I should try to sleep.

Friday 2 May 2014

tasty chaos

When my life seems to just spin out of control again I make dinner for my friends. I stand in the kitchen and for a little while I can do something. I have it under control. I know what's going on. I know what I want and how to do stuff. I'm doing three things at once without problem. I'm frying and mixing and cutting and spicing and stirring and the results make people happy. I've done something tangible that people like. I put a little bit of my love in there and it comes out wonderful.

I do something that I feel confident about and it's easy and the results are great.

There is probably nothing like it.

Yeah there is! Hah! I do lots of great stuff. There's a few things - grownup things, important things - that's difficult for me, but I do a lot of things well too.

I feel pretty good about that.

Tuesday 29 April 2014

Nothing

It hurts. I look desperately for a sliver of hope, some kind of proof that you care, that you realize how badly you fucked up, that you feel bad.

But all I find is more broken promises.

why?

It's 04:47. I keep waking up. I keep waking up but its still true, it has still happened, it keeps being real. I want so bad for it to be a just a nightmare but it keeps being real.

You keep having lied to me. It keeps hurting.

Friday 25 April 2014

SPRING!

I love spring. I love the drunken feeling of life just bursting from the earth. Everything is singing, shouting with happiness. Winter is gone, SPRING IS HERE. Flowers and leaves and grass all sing. Birds sing. The earth sings drunkenly, in love.

I get this feeling when I ride my bike at night, this feeling of floating, a magical feeling with loud music in my ears and stillness all around me. No people. no traffic. Just this song from the earth, the air is thick with it. Like when you fly in a dream, you just focus every fiber of your being into this magical act, this one amazing leap off of the ground and you FLY.

In my dreams I flap my arms when I fly.

At night, on my bike, it's that same feeling. Surreal and powerful.

Spring is here. Life is bearable. Sometimes. At night, riding my bike through the darkness. If I was happy I would be very happy right now.

My boyfriends are both being nice. My friends want to hang out with me. The future doesn't feel like a wet wool blanket wrapping itself around me, covering my face, cold, wet, heavy, so heavy. The future might be okay.

Life is bearable. The night sings. I can breathe.

Tuesday 22 April 2014

Yum

I love sandwiches! I could live on sandwiches alone.

Sunday 6 April 2014

Better better better

I realized yesterday that I haven't cried as much since I moved to my new home as I used to. I still have bad days but the soul crushing blackness is gone.

I was so sad when I lived with him. He made me so miserable. He might have stolen my sewing machine and my underwear and a skein of marks & kattens "Madrid" and all my photos but at least I'm free from the horrible darkness of living with a psycho. At least I'm not constantly worried about his mood. If he's going to explode over some meaningless little thing.

He's a little bit like my ex only more evil and less attractive (and my ex was not very attractive). Come to think of it my ex, the compulsive liar, seems pretty nice in comparison. So there's that. At least I wasn't in a relationship with this one. Hah.

I realize daily things that I miss. A shawl I knitted. Things I made when I was a blacksmith. The last ball of the yarn I needed to finish a project. But the feeling of lightness that comes from not living with him anymore makes it easier to bear.

Thursday 3 April 2014

Small people

Will never make me as small as they are. I won't sink to the level of threats, violence and lies. And that makes me feel good. Because I know that whatever happens I can be proud of my actions. I can tell the truth without shame.

Friday 21 March 2014

Gifts in disguise

Losing a bad, energy draining person isn't a loss. Losing things is inconvenient but life goes on.

What I got out of it is priceless. New friends. Real ones. A new home. A nice one. And proof of the wonderful support my family gives me. I miss my teddy bear (and my underwear) but the mother that gave me that teddy bear is an amazing person that I still have in my life and who loves me. And I'll buy new underwear eventually. Until then I'll have to do laundry twice a week but that's a small price to pay for all the love and support I've been given.

I've been angry for a couple of days but it's already passing and it feels so good. It leaves room for love.

I think I am getting what I deserve. Love.

Wednesday 19 March 2014

Äckel

I won't be updating this blog for a little while since a disgusting little shit who not only beat up my dad and told me to kill myself but also threatened me and stole everything I own of monetary or emotional value not only reads but also comments my blog.

No, you can't see the comments because I don't publish them. He doesn't care. He's happy as long as he can abuse me in some way.

Okay sure, take my camera, my sewing machine, my laptop, my hard drives with all my photos on but why the FUCK did you take my underwear you disgusting horrible little goblin? Why did you take my teddy bear? It has no value to you. You can't sell it. What the fuck.

Tuesday 11 March 2014

Reality hits you hard bro

And then when you're down it kicks you in the kidney and laughs.

Every now and then if I don't watch out the thought sneaks up on me, "I wish I was dead". But I try to block it out. Sometimes it's really really difficult.

I think about my mom. Mostly my mom. About science, that there is so much going on now, the future is here. That I want to see what's going to happen. Will we ever have hoverboards? Will we conquer world hunger?

I think about my two boyfriends. I think about Maria. I think about Kristoffer and my dad and my siblings.

I think about Tindra and her kids.

No one really needs me but some people would be extremely sad. People that I love. I can't break my promises to them. I can't hurt them. That stuff is bigger than me. I have to stay alive.

And now spring is here and I want to die in the winter so I guess I'll have to stay alive at least until next winter. (I do this to trick myself when it's really bad. Make up reasons to wait. It is a big decision after all and I would probably stay dead forever so I shouldn't rush it.)

Sometimes I think that eventually I'll die either way and after that it will be over. Wether it's been horrible for 3 or 30 years won't really matter after that.

Sometimes I look at a pigeon courting another pigeon and think that "at least that's one thing today that didn't make me want to vomit from pain".

Saturday 8 March 2014

Pain

Life is constant pain. I wish I was dead. I wish people would stop forcing me to stay alive. Death is the only thing that I can think about that doesn't hurt. Life is the silent scream inside, death is the calm after. The relief, the release.

But I won't do it, the only thing I want, the only comforting thought I have. I'll go on, I'll keep wallowing in misery. For the people who "care". I'm starting to hate them for making me promise, for asking me, for crying at me.

Is it really that impossible for you to just let go of one single person that you never call or see anyways? Is it so important to you that I go through this miserable repulsive life just so that you don't need to think about me? So that you don't need to feel bad after? Can't you just let me kill myself?

Thursday 6 March 2014

I'm homeless again

I'm very tired of being alive. I don't hate myself but others easily do it seems. I'm very tired of being hated. I don't hate myself but I wish I didn't have to go on living. 

I'll try though. For the people who don't hate me. 

Wednesday 5 March 2014

Life is shit

It's one in the afternoon, a Wednesday. I'm in bed. The sadness and hopelessness I feel are sickly. I fell asleep at three in the morning after a fight.

I'm drifting in and out of sleep. I don't want to get up.

Now it's three. I'm still in bed. Confusing dreams. I still don't want to get up. There's nothing to get up for. There's nothing I can do. There's no breakfast and I'm broke. There's nothing. I don't want to do anything. My head hurts but I don't want to get up and make coffee. Maybe I'll keep sleeping for a while more.

Thursday 27 February 2014

-FLAWSOME-


Jag vet många som mår dåligt över hur de ser ut. Som kämpar emot hunger eller sötsug eller konstant trötthet (eftersom de inte äter ordentligt) för att vara SMALA. Män som kvinnor. SMAL är viktigare än något annat. Tjock är värre än ful, smal är bättre än snygg.

Som inlägg i debatten om detta vill jag tala om att jag väger nånstans mellan 80 och 90 kilo (har inte vägt mig på något år så jag vet inte riktigt) och trivs bra med min kropp. Skulle gärna ha bättre kondition men har inga problem med hur min kropp ser ut.

Förutom när jag försöker köpa kläder. Då får jag extrem ångest och hatar min kropp. Min kropp som är helt underbar! Som är frisk och stark och klarar av allt skit jag utsatt den för genom åren. Som har sina skavanker och ärr och bristningar och problem men som fungerar som den ska. När jag står där i provrummet och försöker klämma i mig i ett plagg som borde vara "min storlek" och bara äcklas av vad jag ser i spegeln.

Idag såg jag en bild på en tjej som är smalare än jag, som klagade på att Cubus tagit bort sina "stora" storlekar, mao allt över strl 40 tror jag. Alltså måste man vara SMAL för att kunna köpa kläder där. Inte normal. Inte frisk utan helst ohälsosamt smal. Runt tusen olika personer har skrivit till den här tjejen att hon är äcklig och dum och ska hålla käften och banta.

Jag vill inte må dåligt över mitt yttre. Jag har tillräckligt med issues. Jag vill kunna älska i alla fall min kropp. Är det så mycket begärt? Är det så fel?



Thursday 20 February 2014

Sjukskriven igen

Hepp. Har varit ett par svåra veckor. Ska byta medicin igen. Är pank igen. Saknar mina pojkvänner.

Har ritat ganska mycket ett par dagar och börjar få tillbaka lite flyt. Är pank delvis för att jag har spenderat en hel del pengar på pennor.

Har börjat komma i ordning i mitt rum. Det känns bra. Men det är en bit kvar.

Idag har varit en lång dag men jag avslutade den med att chatta med likströmsvänner och äta fruktsallad och rita en massa så det känns helt ok nu.

Jag är ledsen och trött mycket men inte i den djupa svarta ångestgyttjan riktigt. I alla fall inte hela tiden. Sjukskrivningen känns som en lättnad. Min mamma och pappa hjälper mig med räkningar och telefonsamtal och sånt som ger mig ångestattacker och det känns som en ännu större lättnad.

Och jag har fått en hylla. Och jag har fina vänner. Och fina pennor. Depressionen är som ett bålgetingbo inuti mig men ibland kan man sätta sig i den mentala bersån och fika en stund utan att reta upp det. Det är skönt.

Nu ska jag sova.

Thursday 13 February 2014

I still feel like shit (and my sinuses are inflamed)

I'm sick and depressed and I hate my life. I'm tired all the time and everything sucks. I can't see anything in the future that makes it worth it to stay alive. My life is just fumbling in the darkness, lost in a labyrinth of shit.

I can't stand it anymore. I can't deal with one more day of this. I feel so extremely fed up with my life. I'm alone and trapped and there's no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel, no direction, no hope.

And on top of this every single breath I take is painful. I can't eat or drink without pain. And I hate myself for feeling sorry for myself.

Nothing works. Nothing is good. Everything is painful and horrible. I wish I could go to sleep and not dream about everything that has gone wrong in my life. Everything I try to not think about when I'm awake. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up to another day of shit.

I try to be positive. But everything keeps fucking up.

Thursday 6 February 2014

I feel like shit

I'm so tired and confused all the time. I feel lost and sad and like I did something bad but I can't remember what. I can't think about it. My mind is just a big hole.

Saturday 1 February 2014

good night?

Today's been weird. I ate a cream based soup, once again forgetting about my lactose intolerance. My BFF turned 26 but had a kinda sad ending to her day. I drank coffee late in the evening and went almost hyper.

Now it's late and I feel lonely. I feel bad about feeling lonely. I miss my boyfriends. Both of them. Even though I love being in a polygamous situation it's still really new to me and I haven't really learned to navigate the waters yet. Like how much should or can I talk about one of them with the other? I'm scared of hurting them.

I feel lonely and cold. I love spending time with Maria though. It's wonderful to be here but sweet baby buddha it's cold!

Bedtime now. I have a bear hat and I wear it constantly. Tomorrow I'm going to DO THINGS. Go places. Eat stuff.

Goodnight.


Listening to: The Decemberists

Friday 31 January 2014

you guys you guys

I'm so exited about textile!

Thursday 30 January 2014

WOMEN UNITE please!

Varje dag blir jag bombarderad av arga röster från mina medsystrar.

Varje dag läser jag om orättvisor mot kvinnor.Varje dag ser jag hur samhället cirkulerar kring att kontrollera kvinnor. Varje dag hör jag hur trötta och arga kvinnor är på att vara fast i en sjuk struktur. Varje dag känner jag att jag inte orkar längre. Men det jag inte orkar med är inte outbildade eller naiva män, det är inte sexism i media, det är inte våld, sexbrott och hot, det är absolut inte feminismen.

Det är kvinnor som inte bryr sig.


Varje dag ser jag kvinnor som inte bryr sig. Kvinnor som inte bryr sig om att de är underordnade. Kvinnor som inte bryr sig om att de dansar efter patriarkatets pipa. Kvinnor som inte bryr sig om andra kvinnor. Som inte bryr sig om alla de kvinnosakskvinnor som kämpat för deras rättigheter i tidigare generationer. Som inte bryr sig om flickor som gifts bort när de är sju eller som säljs eller prostitueras eller bara glöms bort. Kvinnor som hjälper till att hålla den här skeva maktstrukturen på plats. Kvinnor som talar om för mig att jag borde lägga ner, att jag är tröttsam. Kvinnor som tycker att de hör hemma i köket och att alla andra kvinnor också gör det. Kvinnor som blir arga för att jag är högljudd och tar plats. Kvinnor som inte vill kalla sig feminister.


Varje dag ser jag all jävla orättvisa och alla de som kämpar med mig, och varje dag blir det mer och mer tydligt att kvinnornas största fiende är vi själva.


Men jag tror på oss. På oss allihopa. Vi kan. Vi kan enas. Vi kan kämpa. Vi kan hålla varandra om ryggen. Vi kan och vi måste. En jämställd värld är möjlig.

----english-----

Every day I am bombarded by angry voices from my sisters. Every day I read about the injustices against women. Every day I see how society circles around the control of women. Every day I hear how tired and angry women are, to be stuck in a diseased structure. Every day I feel that I can not cope anymore.

But what I can not cope with is not uneducated or naive men, it is not sexism in the media, it is not violence, sex crimes and threats, it is certainly not feminism.

It is women who do not care.


Every day I see women who do not care. Women who do not care about that they are subordinate. Women who do not care that they are dancing after the pipes of Patriarchy.Women who do not care about other women. Who do not care about all the feminists who fought for their rights in previous generations. Who does not care about girls who are married off when they are seven or sold or prostituted or just forgotten. Women who help keep this skewed power structure in place. Women who tell me that I should just let go, that I'm tiresome. Women who feel that they belong in the kitchen and that all other women do too. Women who become angry because I'm loud and take up space. Women who do not want to call themselves feminists .
Every day I see all the fucking injustice and all those who fight with me, and every day it becomes more and more evident that women's greatest enemy is ourselves .

But I believe in us. In us all. We can. We can unite. We can fight side by side.
We can have each others backs. We can and we must. An equal world is possible.

Wednesday 29 January 2014

manx mists

So I'm still at IoM and I'm feeling better both mentally and physically. Being sick always makes me sad. But yesterday Maria and I went to like three different towns and bought some yarn and a new hat and some other small things that I could almost afford so I feel a bit giddy over my new hat and... yeah! Stuff! Owning physical things induce happiness! Scary but true. 

Another thing that makes me really happy is this whole new "two boyfriends" deal. It's pretty frackin awesome, let me tell you. I can see what people might think, that it's wrong or not as special or whatever but these two relationships are extremely different and might also not function without each other. I love two dudes. And I love a whole bunch of other people too. But these two dudes I love more than just like friends and they both love me back. I can't not smile when I think about it. And they both love me enough to be okay with me having the other. That's pretty much love from pretty open minded and amazing people. 

The fact that one of them lives in Denmark and the other in Texas definitely makes it easier. I live in Sweden. But the Danish one lives like an hour away. So the intimacy I miss from having a long distance relationship isn't a problem anymore and the stability that I want I still have. None of these relationships really lack anything - not more than any other relationship does - but when I have both I have everything I could possibly want, more than one relationship could possibly provide.

I feel very lucky.

Monday 27 January 2014

sick and self doubting on the isle of man

My BFF Maria invited me to her tiny kingdom/magical fairyland/island/home for a visit and the first thing I do is get a fever. I came here on friday and it's monday now and I feel so shitty for being sick. I know it's stupid but my feelings are stupid sometimes.

I'm wrestling a huge monstrosity of self doubt. I feel like I wouldn't have an original idea if my life was on the line. I'm a hack. I have no education and no goals and nothing. I fail at everything and I have these vain dreams that mean nothing at all. I'm never going to be anything.

Hopelessness wraps itself around me like a wet, cold woolen blanket. Why do I think I can be something? Why do I fool myself?

Ugh.

In other news I have two boyfriends now. Double loved but still self loathing. So stupid.

Monday 20 January 2014

in the mythical country of "denmark"

So I'm in Denmark, a magical and special place where the currency is bacon and where you can smoke indoors. I'm spending most of my time here in a bed.

Thursday 16 January 2014

On my feet again

I'm managing. I'm doing okay. I don't want to be dead.

I try to keep busy enough to not have time to think too much but not so busy that I become an emotional cripple from stress. So I do one or two things every day.

Yesterday I met my mom for coffee, and managed to only cry a little bit. And I went on a date! With a guy from OkCupid. It was a lot of fun. I guess we clicked. Had so much to talk about that the hours just flew by.

Dating while in a relationship is a bit confusing, but when your boyfriend is amazing and also a wonderful friend it's not that bad. I don't want to break up with him. Not even after meeting other people who I really like being with.

I spent the night in Copenhagen which was fun and felt like an adventure. Having a different country 20 minutes away is funny. I'm hoping on having at least one night out in Copenhagen some time soon.

Dina came by and visited today and that was also great. Again time passed quickly which I think is a good sign. When I feel very sad time moves really slowly, whatever I'm doing.

Tomorrow I'm meeting an old friend for coffee at 11 so it's time I went to sleep. It's 02:00!

Saturday 11 January 2014

Emo bitch

I wish I had killed myself already. Two years ago, when I started wanting to. I would have spared so many people so much pain and bullshit. I wish the last few years of my life could just not have happened.

I can't deal with this. I can't. It hurts so much.

I'm a miserable worthless piece of shit. I bring nothing but suffering to others. I hate myself.

Friday 10 January 2014

So tired

I'm so sick of everything. Life is too difficult. The world is too cold and horrible.

Thursday 9 January 2014

I ran

I went for a little run. Five or ten minutes. Now I can't breathe. Can you get asthma from jogging? Or am I just in that bad shape? Jeez.

I bought a sports bra yesterday. It was cheap and I could afford it. Kinda.

So yeah. Now I hope running works better tomorrow. Time for a shower.

365 creative days - now a separate blahg!

I'm going to post my private updates here and all the project updates over on http://saintkittie.blogspot.se/!

So check both! Because reasons!

But I'll try to post links here when I update the other one.

One of the interesting things I've realized is that I usually don't finish projects. Now I have a reason to finish ALL my projects! NEAT-O!

Wednesday 8 January 2014

Keep it together

I'm doing my makeup, drinkung coffee and listening to the be good tanyas. They don't make happy music but it's still bloody great.

When I'm done and my phone has charged a bit more I'm going to arbetsförmedlingen.

I've been sad for a few days. I'm still sad. But I'm doing the things that need to be done. I don't know how I manage to do it but I do.

I'm so sorry for everything

The line is from a song by the National and it plays over and over again in my head. Don't know why but it's better than wham so whatever.

I'm tired again. Tired of myself, my life. I despise myself.

Soon three weeks since I got out of the hospital and everything is so difficult. Everything.

I don't want anything. I don't want my life. I hate myself.

I'm in bed. I should sleep.

Monday 6 January 2014

Fffff this

My good feeling is gone today. I feel tired and sad and everything is difficult and meaningless. I don't have the energy to fight.

But I have to. Tomorrow is the first day of the first week of the new year. Kind of. I have to go and do stuff with papers and stuff and it's so difficult and horrible. I don't want to. I have bills to try and get money to pay and a ton of paperwork to take care of and I DON'T WANT TO. I don't have any energy for it. I want to go to sleep tonight and never ever wake up again. I'm a miserable failure. I hate myself. I hate my life. I don't even have a good reason to hate it, even when it's difficult I have friends who care about me and stuff but it doesn't matter, I hate it anyway. Everything is meaningless.

A good feeling

I don't know what it is that I feel, accomplishment maybe? I usually have a lot of projects going on and some of them never get finished. Finishing one thing every day is great so far, even if it's just a few days. I feel proud and I want to finish stuff. All my ideas and projects make me feel happy instead of sad. Sometimes my creativity makes me sad. When I can't make things.

It's hard to explain. I'll try again when it's not super late.

I'm also going to go running tomorrow! I'm going to do it! Maybe it will just be that one time, and that's okay.

Tomorrow I'll also post pictures of the finished bag! And a couple of bonus projects.

Today I watched waayyyy too many episodes of orphan black and it was awesome but now it's super late!

Sunday 5 January 2014

Slow sunday

30 ones with white borders. 24 ones with blue.

We got a new sofa today! From D's sister and her husband.

I'm crazy tired.

Saturday 4 January 2014

More prep...

It's day four and I'm doing research for today's project. Might not be able to make the thing I wanted to make, which is a bag. So I might need to come up with a new idea. We'll see where the research takes me, maybe a small purse? Maybe a new paper clay animal? Maybe a ... Drawing? 

Aj

Sitter ensam på en tom buss. Det är lördag morgon och jag är på väg hem.

Fick nån sorts magsjukeattack igår. Något av det jävligaste jag upplevt på väldigt länge. Kunde knappt stå upp efteråt och sov hos min kompis. Nu är klockan nio och jag ska hem och fortsätta sova i min egen säng. Ska bli så skönt.

När jag vaknar ska jag bada.

365 creative days; day 3 - paper clay

I made a little turtle out of paper clay! It was a bit harder then I anticipated but I managed to make this little guy. In a few days when he's dry and good I'll paint him and stuff but he's a thing that I made so its okay. 



Friday 3 January 2014

Creative preparations

So I've been thinking about what to make for day three and I decided to take my very small funds and go to panduro and have a look. It's not the best craft supply store and definitely not the cheapest but they might have some inspiration for me if nothing else. I have two ideas and for both I need some stuff...

A new day

Good morning. It's two in the afternoon and I woke up a couple of hours ago but I feel like it was ten minutes ago. I'm drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette.

My friend Kim is here, we're thinking about going in to town for a bit before he goes back to Stockholm. He visited me in Leksand last new years eve and now in Malmö. Good stuff.

Thursday 2 January 2014

365 creative days; day 2

I made a skirt! Its a very simpel cirkle pattern with an old t shirt as a hem. The whole thing was finished so fast I didn't even have time to take process pics. Some measuring, some cutting and some sawing and voila! Done. 

Two layers soft pink tulle and a simple "yoga"-ish hem. I'm very pleased. 

These pills

I stayed up late. Really late. Maybe until four in the morning. And I'm waking up now, at half past two. That's about ten hours. The minimum of hours I sleep. Often it's 12. If I try to wake up earlier it just doesn't work.

This is possibly one of the many interesting side effects of my new medicine. Among the others are feeling dizzy a lot and sometimes a feeling like my blood pressure falls.

At least I don't want to kill myself when I take them. So it's all totally worth it.

365 creative days; day 1

My first day of my 2014 creativity challenge/resolution. It's the swedish word for "c*nt". I chose it because I want to try to change the way we use the word. I want it to be a good word, because it is a good thing. The lettering is (actually not intentionally) made to look like the word "like" and I like that detail.

Vaginas are amazing.