Nn

A very long day is over and I'm in bed with hair dye still in my hair because I'm simply too tired to wash it out in the middle of the night and then waiting for my hair to dry at least a little. It's probably going to be a pain to wash it out tomorrow morning but I'm going to sleep either way! Now! It's almost one and I got up at seven thirty, a much longer day than I'm used to!

I'm very excited about tomorrow! (Not only because of the shower I'm gonna take.)

Goodnight internet ♡

Headache and anxiety

Sometimes the anxiety brings so much chaos into my mind. I try to control my thoughts but they rush in all directions, making memories that used to be good feel bad to think about and bad memories extremely painful. It's like being covered in bees and trying to not think about it. I can't not think about stuff, because whatever I think about makes me anxious. Whatever road I follow leads into darkness, fear and stress.

Teamed up with a headache it just takes all my spoons and throws them in the bin and charging new spoons take ten times as long as using them, even if I'm just using them to not scream hysterically. I have a broken battery. I wonder if there is any way out of this that I just haven't found out about or if "rest" is the only thing that I get to do for the rest of my life?

Spoons

Generally around one. Use one spoon for eating breakfast. Rest an hour or so. Use one spoon for unpacking a box. (Unfinished.) Feel lost and confused.

Spending a lot of time in my head. Making myself sad. Should make important calls and pay important bills but my head hurts and my heart too.

Me forever

I'll always be me. I'll never get to be anyone else. I'll never get rid of my past. The things that have happened to me will always have happened. The person that I am will always keep being me. I'll never get rid of myself. I'll never be free from my memories. From the insane pain of all those betrayals.

I don't know how to move on, let go. I don't know how to handle my feelings. I don't know how to process my memories. I don't know how to live, how to find myself or get back out into the light.

People keep telling me that I'll get better but I have no idea how. It doesn't just pass by itself. It doesn't just get better. The memories don't go away.

I want to accept that but I don't know how to do that either. I'm stuck between hate and pain and I have no idea what to do about it.

I think that I'll be sad, angry, in pain for the rest of my life. I'm not okay with that. Maybe I should be? Maybe I should accept that this is what I am now? A broken down mess, a few jagged pieces of my former self. Maybe I should try to fight it? Put myself back together? Or build a new me? I don't know. I don't know what is right or wrong. Good or bad.

All I know is that I'm tired of all of it.

Bluuuuuh

Been so tired today and now ofc I can't sleep. My head hurts. Been reading (too much?) homestuck. Not been doing all the important things.

I saw my shrink today and I think it was good? I never really know I guess.

Why can't I sleeeeeep this is stupid

It is the night

My body's weak
I'm on the run
No time to speak
I've gotta ride
Ride like the wind
To be free again

Now I'm not sure those are the right lyrics to the eighties hit "ride like the wind" or whatever. But I'm pretty sure about "it is the night" and I like that bit.

It's ten to three and I feel like I'm bursting with creativity and longing and energy. If I was a manic depressive I would be manic, but I'm just a boring old depressed person who feels like a million bucks for a little while but can't really keep that feeling or turn it into action.

If I was manic I would have cut my hair short and started writing two new books. I would sketch a lot of different sketches for different paintings and started a couple of them. I would cut up a lot of fabric for clothes I wanted to make. And then fall asleep. And then never finish any of those things.

Now I'm not manic. So I'm lying in bed (wait, is that the right spelling? I'm not telling lies, I'm lieing? No. Lie down? Not standing, not sitting. You get it. Whatever.) trying to muster up the energy to take my meds before I fall asleep. With a small storm inside me.

If I was manic I would have started fixing up my cv. Maybe even sent it to someone. I would have eaten something. I would have been awake until even later than this unholy hour.

I should sleep. Or take my meds and sleep. And stay off pinterest at night.

good night?

Today's been weird. I ate a cream based soup, once again forgetting about my lactose intolerance. My BFF turned 26 but had a kinda sad ending to her day. I drank coffee late in the evening and went almost hyper.

Now it's late and I feel lonely. I feel bad about feeling lonely. I miss my boyfriends. Both of them. Even though I love being in a polygamous situation it's still really new to me and I haven't really learned to navigate the waters yet. Like how much should or can I talk about one of them with the other? I'm scared of hurting them.

I feel lonely and cold. I love spending time with Maria though. It's wonderful to be here but sweet baby buddha it's cold!

Bedtime now. I have a bear hat and I wear it constantly. Tomorrow I'm going to DO THINGS. Go places. Eat stuff.

Goodnight.


Listening to: The Decemberists

Slow sunday

30 ones with white borders. 24 ones with blue.

We got a new sofa today! From D's sister and her husband.

I'm crazy tired.

What

I'm broken. I must be. I'm not working properly. I woke up at noon today and now it's midnight and I'm going back to bed.

Tomorrow it's Friday. I'm going to apply for a job. That's my whole list. Nothing else. The only thing I have to do tomorrow is apply for a job. One.

Today I took a shower and did some dishes and cleaned up a little in the bathroom. And I met a friend for a while.

My energy levels are really bad. I must be broken.

Beeep

Today they're going through all the wards and testing the alarms. For hours there's been a constant beeping. It's horrible. There's a guy here who has some trouble with his temper who almost exploded at breakfast.

I'm still tired from last night and went back to bed after breakfast and a meeting with a counselor type person. She told me about stuff that I can do and help I can get to make my life work again. Felt good. But falling asleep in the noise is not easy.

Now I should try to wake up and maybe take a quick shower and have another cup of tea before I go home and do the laundry.

Feels

Normally I get to bed pretty late but today I'm pretty tired. So I'm going to bed super early in stead.

Miss my darling. Miss him so much. All the time.

We're working out the issues that arise in polygamous relationships. It's going well. But I worry, because I am a human. I want to have a full life even though I love someone who is very far away from me. I want hugs and cuddles and stuff.

Also the last episode I watched of Fringe was so sad.

Otherwise it's been a good day. Done dishes and vacuuming and some tidying up. Talked to people I like.

Now I'm just really cold. Ugh.

Depression diary

Hello. The other day I wrote on Facebook that depression feels different at different times. I wrote that it felt like I was drowning in black slime.

Today I feel tired. Thoughts don't work. My head hurts really bad. I know I should be doing things but the pain makes me confused.

And a bit nauseated.

chatting

it's almost four
I hate when Ben leaves
the days are okay but the nights are the WORST
I stay up late just so I can sleep for long so that time passes faster...

So yeah, it's really late and this is blog post number 900. Today I wrote a bit on my book, painted my nails, hung out with Rose, played Guild Wars 2 and... that's pretty much it I guess. I went swimming, I ate a lot of candy and pretty much no "real" food except a frozen mac-n-cheese that was supposed to be fancy but tasted pretty horrible. (Rose liked hers though.)

Oh and I watched Twin Peaks, ep1s02. Curiouser and curiouser. The owls are not what they seem. Oh Lynch you crazy dude.

Nails are now a shade of pearly pink that I can't decide if I love or hate.

Goodnight. Or morning. Or whatever time it is when you read this, dear reader.

---edit---
tried to get this post to look normal but srsly guise it's super late and I'm goin to bed instead

Five in the morning

Today I got up, had breakfast, was productive, got stuff done, went grocery shopping (and to Clas Olsson), had lunch, went to the workshop, got the key for my new room... And fell asleep. At three. And slept until TEN. At NIGHT. That's seven hours.

My brain is such a DICK.

Anyways it's now early morning and I figure a couple of hours of sleep before breakfast can't hurt.

FESTER

A quarter past one. It feels like I've been knocked out. I feel dizzy and almost a bit sick. The panic clouds my mind and wraps it's long icy fingers around my neck again.

At first I feel fine, but suddenly dark thoughts pop up in my head, from nowhere.

I hate myself. I hate myself I hate myself I hate my life. I can't. Can't go on. Can't.

I feel betrayed by these thoughts. By my mind for letting them in without letting me know. I want to cry because I do not feel that way. My life is nice. I like myself. I'm a great person.

But I'm not here, I'm insecure and a bit awkward and I don't like that part of myself. This is not me. I'm not me here. I forget things, important things. I get so tired and I can't go on I can't can't can't

I can't do stuff, important stuff, I can't make important calls and pay bills and hang laundry and clean my room and I can't even do stuff I want to. Like read books and stuff. Paint, knit, embroidery. I just don't have any energy left at all. I want to sleep. Just sleep.

I get tired of diets. I quit eating bread but a couple of days later that's all I have. I quit eating sugar but then the weekend comes and I make a cake. I turn off the movie I'm watching to pay bills but my mind starts swimming and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I just can't. I can't.

And I hate myself for it. And the hate burns up everything else and I can't convince myself that I'm strong and that I can do anything. And again the feeling of guilt, like I'm tricking him. Nothing will be okay. Nothing will work. It's just mean to him to make him trust me, I fucking suck. How can I do this to him? I love him, I can't. I can't let him get poisoned by whatever is poisoning me. By my poison, the poison that I am. I can't. Can't.

I feel nothing now, everything is getting numb. My head hurts a little and I'm getting more dizzy, it feels like I haven't slept for days. I have to lie down. I need rest.

I am a failure. I'm a bad person. Something is wrong with me.

This happens inside me on a daily basis. Not all the time. But often after I eat. So I do believe something that I eat is making me sad. Depressed. Tired. But I have no energy to try to figure anything out.

I am going to go lie down for a little while.

Day... What?

11:35
I'm up before noon. My jaw is even better today. I'm going to Houston in 61 days. Life doesn't feel so meaningless today.
I talked to Maria last night and she's the sweetest person. Just talking to her always lifts my mood, even if its about silly things or nothing at all. It's impossible to feel lonely or unloved with a friend like her.
Today I'm gonna be alive. I think I've slept enough.

11:44
Whoa! I actually feel... ! I feel things. No apathy at the moment! WOOOOOOOO

13:12
So I had a few sandwiches with cheese for breakfast. Tiredness came back. Ugh.

The third day

12:05
Still in bed. Feels so meaningless to get up.
13:52
Had breakfast and a cup of tea. Did 20 situps and 20 backlifts or back extensions. Watched Adventure Time. Cut my fingernails. Knitted some.
Bloody hell I'm bored.
14:27
Clean sheets in the bed. Feel absolutely drained. Like I just climbed a mountain. I try to drink a lot of water but my throat hurts.
Man I'm whiny.
Gonna lie down for a little while. Caffeine is a total bitch to quit.
18:25
Awake again. Dreamed about death.
Watched the last episode of Buffy and cried a bit.
Gonna try to get my shit together now I suppose. Tonight is my last party for a while.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

What happened? I am crawling out of my own skin. I am drowning, exploding. I am out of balance, spinning too quickly, wavering. I can’t focus. White noise fills my head.

I am not inside my body. I am not in contact with my head. I am a storm of inspiration and angst and I need to get it out of me, it crawls out of my fingers, my eyes, it makes me shudder, it makes me nauseous.

I feel like I am trapped inside myself without being able to control myself. I am watching the world through my own eyes. I am writhing in pain inside myself, I am watching myself writhe in pain, I feel non-human.

I want to go home.

Night lost

Augh I'm so very tired. Went to bed too late and didn't go to sleep until even later. On the subway now, not so very late! I'm proud of myself!

Today I got my spring jacket from the closet and my winter one will hopefully take it's place rather soon.

I need coffee.

Ah at least it's Friday.

Listening to: Kyuss

winter chocolate spice

Oh my, today has been quite a heavy day. I could go to sleep right away. Maybe I will?

First: here are some pictures of the decadent delicious winter chocolate spice cupcakes I made yesterday. Chocolate cupcakes with spices and chunks of spicy chocolate, with chocolate icing and a piece of spicy chocolate on top. Yum!

Listening to: Boney by Jack Shit from the album Rogues Gallery (and on my playlist) on Spotify.