A quarter past one. It feels like I've been knocked out. I feel dizzy and almost a bit sick. The panic clouds my mind and wraps it's long icy fingers around my neck again.
At first I feel fine, but suddenly dark thoughts pop up in my head, from nowhere.
I hate myself. I hate myself I hate myself I hate my life. I can't. Can't go on. Can't.
I feel betrayed by these thoughts. By my mind for letting them in without letting me know. I want to cry because I do not feel that way. My life is nice. I like myself. I'm a great person.
But I'm not here, I'm insecure and a bit awkward and I don't like that part of myself. This is not me. I'm not me here. I forget things, important things. I get so tired and I can't go on I can't can't can't
I can't do stuff, important stuff, I can't make important calls and pay bills and hang laundry and clean my room and I can't even do stuff I want to. Like read books and stuff. Paint, knit, embroidery. I just don't have any energy left at all. I want to sleep. Just sleep.
I get tired of diets. I quit eating bread but a couple of days later that's all I have. I quit eating sugar but then the weekend comes and I make a cake. I turn off the movie I'm watching to pay bills but my mind starts swimming and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I just can't. I can't.
And I hate myself for it. And the hate burns up everything else and I can't convince myself that I'm strong and that I can do anything. And again the feeling of guilt, like I'm tricking him. Nothing will be okay. Nothing will work. It's just mean to him to make him trust me, I fucking suck. How can I do this to him? I love him, I can't. I can't let him get poisoned by whatever is poisoning me. By my poison, the poison that I am. I can't. Can't.
I feel nothing now, everything is getting numb. My head hurts a little and I'm getting more dizzy, it feels like I haven't slept for days. I have to lie down. I need rest.
I am a failure. I'm a bad person. Something is wrong with me.
This happens inside me on a daily basis. Not all the time. But often after I eat. So I do believe something that I eat is making me sad. Depressed. Tired. But I have no energy to try to figure anything out.
I am going to go lie down for a little while.