The light at the end of the tunnel

This bloody steam roller of a week is almost over. It's midnight, late thursday evening. Tomorrow is going to be hectic and Saturday too, and then it's Sunday, the day I've been waiting for for months.

I cancelled my plans today and yesterday, I just can't deal with anything at all basically. I'm lucky enough to have people in my life that don't mind me flaking at the last minute, or even better - who come to me and give me hugs. ♡

Life is good. I think that I'm in the best circumstances to deal with my overwhelming anxiety. Even if life being good is actually making my anxiety worse, it also allows me time and space to rest and breathe and deal.

Out and about

Travel is so much fun and so much stress and so much overwhelming. I have a problem with big, noisy, crowded places, except for one. Gröna Lund in Stockholm is a place where I feel happy, even though I'm constantly surrounded by screaming people and massive crowds and huge, noisy structures and bright colours and bad music and in general a lot of stuff that would normally trigger a panic attack. My inner child looks at it all with starry eyed wonder. And I manage to keep it together. And. Yesterday my friend T won TWO KILOS OF TOBLERONE.

A marvellous day. I also went on three different roller coasters (and the fun house) and it was a lot of fun!

So far this trip (although it's intense) has been really good. I'm away from home for a long time but it's still hectic and I feel like I don't have time to see anyone.

Obsession with the past

I was looking at my Facebook memories (as I do every day) and realized that nine years ago today I woke up next to someone else's partner. I made some fucked up choices after drinking tequila at a party in the house I shared with two amazing ladies in Cork, Ireland. Those choices changed my life. I have no idea how my life would look today if it wasn't for that night. I don't know what made me feel drawn to that dude, why I made the choice to go to bed with him. I don't remember much of the party, or what happened in my bed (more because of the nine years since it happened than because of the tequila I think, but I'm sure both had an effect). I remember the song that was playing on repeat inside, I remember that we were standing outside, smoking, and everyone else went inside. I remember one of my housemates asking me the next day why that guys shoes where in the hallway when she woke up early in the morning. (Or maybe went to bed early in the morning?)

I fell for him, a very stupid "love", a toxic relationship without future or reason or logic. We were drawn to each other by some kind of undeniable force and we let it happen, we hurt each other and others, everything was dramatic and serious and stupid and... ugh. It drained the happiness from my life.

He moved to Sweden. He got married. And he kept writing to me, "refusing to become a memory" as he said. The idea of being adored was just too sweet. I tried to move on, I don't think I answered his emails but I don't know. Maybe I did. I don't remember. I knew even then that he was using me to feel special, more than anything else. I knew on some level. But unfortunately it didn't help, I still wanted nothing as much as I wanted him.

He and his wife separated. He contacted me and wanted to see me. I came running. So stupid. We became a real couple, finally, after years of stupid f*cking drama. I moved back to Stockholm and we lived together. It was never good. He never wanted it to become real, everyday, ordinary. That was all I wanted. I never really got it. It was a couple of years wasted. Terrible f*cking years. He was mean, and manipulative, and he didn't love me. Not at all. I think he wanted to keep me around because it was comfortable, I cooked and cleaned and payed for most of our food and furniture and clothes for his kids, so that he could spend his own money on fun stuff.

I loved his kids so much. So much that when I knew I should have left long ago I couldn't. I couldn't leave them. I couldn't leave them with him.

Then he started isolating me from them, cutting me off from them. And there was no reason for me to stay at all anymore.

Surprisingly the kids' mother contacted me when we broke up. I had not been allowed to talk to her. (!) We became friends. And I could see the kids. I still love those kids so much. And I love their mom. But I don't really think about their dad anymore.

Me and the kids' mom started comparing things that he had told us and very soon realized that there was a huge discrepancy. He had been lying, about everything, all the time. Everything. I didn't actually know anything about him at all.

Breaking up from someone who has spent years breaking you down is a pretty big deal. At the same time I had a lot of stress at work - a LOT of stress. A recipe for success, if by success you mean burnout and a depression that had been building up since that one night, nine years ago. That depression is still present in my life but at least that dude is not! The kids and their mom are though. And I'm happy about that. When I told her that her ex husband had been cheating on her with me she just hugged me. I was crying a lot. I love her. And I love her kids. And now I'm living in a different county again, and I miss them, but I'm so happy they are in my life.

I wonder where my life would have taken me if that night never happened. Who I would have been.

Nine years and eleven months

Since I started writing on this blog! In one month (approximately) the blog will be 10 years old. That means I was 22 when I started writing it. A lot has happened since then.

Right now I'm sitting in the floor in my craft room. I'm drinking tea. It's cold. I'm talking to a good friend on messenger. About narcissists. Last night I read this article and so much fell into place. Everything I went through at school in Leksand about four years ago suddenly made sense. It was like reading a checklist, or like someone had been watching exactly everything that happened. I was the perfect victim for a narcissist. I was so easy to manipulate. To befriend, to turn against. To turn everyone else against. I wish people weren't so willing to turn against me.

But it answered the question that has been on my mind almost constantly since then: why?

Why did this happen? What did I do?

I'll always be grateful for the people who didn't eat up every lie she spread like it was some kind of divine truth. The people who had my back, who helped and supported me. And most of all to the few that are still my friends. Those people show me that I'm actually okay, I'm not some kind of monster. Because if I was, I would not get to have the coolest, most amazing, kindest, most thoughtful, talented friends.

I can't say losing people who listen to rumors and accept lies is a huge loss.

Miracles

Today a stressful thing happened and I was hungry and I handled it. I was completely in chock. I would normally start shaking really bad, panic, cry, get angry, need to just put everything down and go sit down in another room and generally not handle it well at all. Today I swore loudly and then carried on with what I was doing, not realising until after a little while that I managed to handle the situation. The thing that happened was that the chord for the immersion blender slid onto the stove top because the kitchen counter was too cluttered, and it melted a tiny bit.

Anything to do with things breaking usually garners some hysterical tears at least. But I just finished making lunch like a boss! Even though it had already been a pretty long day with some major bad news concerning a close friend, and I had low blood sugar.

I feel so proud.

The last few days have been really good in general, and usually a few good days means that I get emotionally unstable and have a few bad days since I used up all my happy. This will probably still happen, but I'm impressed that it hasn't happened yet.

We did a pretty big cleanup on Sunday. On Monday I went to the dentist and got my temporary filling swapped for a permanent one and on Monday evening an old friend came to visit, and she stayed until this morning. Last night C's workmate came over and I made a large dinner for the four of us before we went to the board game night, and after that me and my friend went for a glass of wine (beer in her case) before returning home. So several quite intense days without running out of spoons!

Today in the evening I've felt like life is a little bit difficult but I did manage to make a really nice dinner (sweet potato/coconut/lime/ginger soup with roasted chickpeas)! So I still feel proud of myself. Everything counts. Every small bit of progress is worth being happy about.

Now I'm planning on a few days of proactive rest before C's family comes to visit and soon after that we go to Sweden for a wedding! So much stuff happening!

Whoa, it's almost three in the morning. Time for bed.

Thanks for reading  <3

I sing the body electric baby

Damn Alexandra has made me listen to a lot of lana del rey. Impossible to not fall in love with her. Lana that is, although Alexandra is a sweetheart as well. My friends' son fell in love with Alexandra big time. The infatuation of a child is so honest and pure and simple. He met her and decided that she was pretty much the best person ever and he wanted to be with her all the time. One glorious afternoon of sitting next to her and showing her stuff. A pretty stone on the beach. A painting he made. (Black paint on a paper plate.)

Three year olds are the best. I think it's the perfect age. After that you start to become a member of society but at three you're already your own person but completely honest and open.

Maybe I'm just late-night-a-few-glasses-of-wine-philosophical. But I miss the kids. Or maybe just kids in general. Tindras kids, Oscar and Maggies kids.

Conclusion: I want babies. But I also like sleep. And wine. So no rush.

Gifts in disguise

Losing a bad, energy draining person isn't a loss. Losing things is inconvenient but life goes on.

What I got out of it is priceless. New friends. Real ones. A new home. A nice one. And proof of the wonderful support my family gives me. I miss my teddy bear (and my underwear) but the mother that gave me that teddy bear is an amazing person that I still have in my life and who loves me. And I'll buy new underwear eventually. Until then I'll have to do laundry twice a week but that's a small price to pay for all the love and support I've been given.

I've been angry for a couple of days but it's already passing and it feels so good. It leaves room for love.

I think I am getting what I deserve. Love.

Another day in paradise

So today I had a long, stressful, confusing and pretty bad day. I had a stupid and meaningless fight, I was tired, my confidence is crap (I'm in a fucking mental institution, good luck feeling on top of shit) and stuff in general is shitty.

Ended with a game of scrabble at the ward and it was fun. It feels nice hanging out with people who also feel like shit. We can laugh at it. And we do, and we laugh at the fact that we're laughing. We tell each other that our craziness is okay and laugh at it. We're all here. We all have reasons. I can forget about my life and all the crap and all the things I've done that have lead me here. I can forget about how I have failed completely. I'm normal here.

And when I'm not here that feeling lingers for a while. It follows me out into the world.

I'm getting new meds soon. And tomorrow I'm going home to do some laundry.

Day... What?

11:35
I'm up before noon. My jaw is even better today. I'm going to Houston in 61 days. Life doesn't feel so meaningless today.
I talked to Maria last night and she's the sweetest person. Just talking to her always lifts my mood, even if its about silly things or nothing at all. It's impossible to feel lonely or unloved with a friend like her.
Today I'm gonna be alive. I think I've slept enough.

11:44
Whoa! I actually feel... ! I feel things. No apathy at the moment! WOOOOOOOO

13:12
So I had a few sandwiches with cheese for breakfast. Tiredness came back. Ugh.

The weekend is coming!

For lunch today I had a pretty serious lamb curry from the food court. I usually avoid it but I'm in such a good mood today I even survived that.

I'm kinda love high without being in love. I love my friends and myself and the world. I feel loved.

And also I got a little surprise today. A good one!

Listening to: Hoven Droven

Better

I've been trying to sort out my stuff for a couple of days. I have a lot of stuff. I found a few old diaries, all with a few pages left to fill. So last night I followed Twinkle's advice and wrote five things I was happy about. Feeling loved, feeling secure, trusting people, that I had spent the evening with good friends was a few.

This morning when I woke up I wrote down some of my dreams. I was really tired and I started flipping through the pages absentmindedly.

I found a few things I wrote while I still lived with my ex. Things I wished for, things I didn't have. "To feel like someone cared", "to be listened to", "to be comforted when I'm sad" and things like that.

I realize more and more how fucked up everything was. How wrong. How everything slowly moved away from everything good and I was right in the middle and I couldn't see it.

But now I have all those things. And I'm not in a relationship.

Life is funny.

Listening to: The Kinks

<3

I love my friends so much. They mean the world to me, all of them. I feel so lucky to have them.

If I learned one thing from this depression, it is that I am never alone.

<3 my heart explodes with love and gratitude.

hey now

Well this just won't do now will it? No it won't. I have been writing about lot's of different things in this blog but now I'm not writing anything at all. This is because I don't do much mostly. And what I do isn't very interesting.

But I miss blogging and I have so much interesting thoughts in my head now!

So I'll start sharing some inspirations and ideas instead of stories from my life. I have lots of ideas but not so much life. Haha. (Okay to be honest I'm playing a lot of world of warcraft. I'm level 27!)

I have done something though, on sunday! I went to dinner at my grandparents and it was so great! My uncle and aunt and cousins where there and we had really good chicken casserole and it was lovely meeting them all! I was very happy!

I'm happy otherwise too.

Soon I'll start sharing all my crafty projects, baking, knitting and so on. And pictures. And ideas and dreams and plans and inspirations. Now I guess I have to get back to work.

Oh first, my old friend Tom is in town!! It's gonna be great to see him! Oh and last night I cut my hair again. Now it's just like it was this spring. I'll try to get a picture.

oh my

Uhm, what? Oh! Hi! I didn't forget you, I promise, I just had to much going on to stop and tell you about it.

So uhm yeah... I've been in Sweden for two and a half weeks now! And I love it. I love it so much. I miss English Market and Maria and Eva House and Hannah and... Vibes and Scribes and... Cork Coffee Roasters maybe... Not so much more though.

I don't have much to tell about the last couple of weeks though, even if I've been really busy. Been moving in to a new tiny apartment with a view over the whole world. Been hanging out with some cool people (of wich two are very short). Been working at my new job! I like it!

Been very happy. Wish I could tell you more.

Listening to: Gwen Stefani on Spotify

the end of an era

Two more days. In 48 hours I'm getting off the plane in London.

Today Maria is flying from Sweden to New York.

I was reading old, unsent emails. It was like looking at a very old picture, or seeing something through water, I remember it of course but it's not real anymore. It's not my life anymore. My life used to be pretty crappy but now it's awesome. It's funny really, how you can feel so bad and so good about the same things, or the same people.

I know I have made the right choice.

heavy happiness

I really want to write something about what it feels like leaving Cork after two years, leaving my job, starting a new life in a city I can hardly remember, leaving my friends, returning to my old friends, but I cant think of any way to express these feelings.

I want to write about the very beautiful necklace Maria gave me, and the beautiful card that almost made me cry, or how strange it feels that not only do I not live with Maria anymore, I'll also be living in a totally different country.

And it feels so good to leave and it feels so strange and life is thrown upside down and am I going to be a stranger in my own home? Or will it feel like coming home?

Home is where the heart is.

Now I'm going to buy a Hotpot at Berries for lunch for the last time, I guess.


Listening to: KROPP - Ordning

close to the end

I had the most wonderful weekend. Last week was kinda slow but it ended with happiness and cake on Friday night, which was my farewell-beer-night. The best farewell-beer-night ever. I had so much fun and I was so drunk and I ate chicken and everything was wonderful.

On Saturday I was asleep until four in the afternoon, then I staggered home from Maria's place and managed to take a shower and eat some microwave lasagna before I fell asleep again, and then on Sunday me and Maria went into town and hung out, I bought a bag, we bought some food, we went back to her place and bleached my hair and had dinner. My hair looks great now, finally managed to make it look pretty even and nice! Thanks Maria! I love it!

Today I'm packing some and tomorrow I'm hanging out with Maria for the last time. There's a very cold little stone in all the shiny happiness, the "leaving your bestest friends"-stone. I'll miss Cork, and everyone, but probably Maria the most.

Listening to: T J Rehmi - Who Killed Bhangra

festive

So very soon Electric Picnic is starting, and I am not going, and it breaks my heart a little. So extremely many bands that I really love and a festival that seems like it was made for me!

And to make me even more miserable, I'm missing FFF this year. And if anything breaks my heart it's that.

Apart from the heartbreak of missing these two festivals, one that I've never been to and one that I've visited many years and worked with the last two, and love more than I love any other festival, or event at all, I have other thoughts: all the people I grew up with are so old now. They look so different, bigger, more worn. Am I old as well?

Now: time to wash my dinner plate and put my lunch box in the fridge.

Listening to: My Playlist on Spotify
Days left untill I go home: 23

summer cat

You know how some people have a summer house? And how some people would get a kitten to keep over the summer, and then go back to town and leave the cat to die in the forest. Thinking it could take care of itself, which of course it can't.

I remember when I was a kid, in school. I had no friends. There was a couple of girls in my class who had me as a backup. If their real friends wasn't at school they would hang out with me at recess, maybe. If they had nothing better to do. I was small and didn't know anything else, had never had real friends, wasn't offended. Played alone. (Or got beat up, but hey, different story.)

Now, today, I am truly happy. I have a good life, a good job, a future that looks bright and full of... jam. And happiness. But there's this one thing that really bugs me.

I had this friend. We where really close. And now I seem to mean nothing at all. It's weird and I don't know why. It makes me really sad and it feels exactly like I was just a standin. A summer cat.

Anyway. I'm moving to Stockholm. And also I dyed my hair orange today.

Listening to: Tracy Chapman - The Promise

dreamsong

I don't do this very often but since I had a very vivid dream tonight featuring this beautiful song, and because it's storytelling at it's finest, song-lyric-wise, I'll have to share the lyrics with you.


Bobbie Gentry - Ode to Billy Joe

It was the third of June, another sleepy, dusty Delta day
I was out choppin' cotton and my brother was balin' hay
And at dinner time we stopped and walked back to the house to eat
And Mama hollered out the back door "y'all remember to wipe your feet"
And then she said "I got some news this mornin' from Choctaw Ridge"
"Today Billy Joe MacAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge"

And Papa said to Mama as he passed around the blackeyed peas
"Well, Billy Joe never had a lick of sense, pass the biscuits, please"
"There's five more acres in the lower forty I've got to plow"
And Mama said it was shame about Billy Joe, anyhow
Seems like nothin' ever comes to no good up on Choctaw Ridge
And now Billy Joe MacAllister's jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge

And Brother said he recollected when he and Tom and Billie Joe
Put a frog down my back at the Carroll County picture show
And wasn't I talkin' to him after church last Sunday night?
"I'll have another piece of apple pie, you know it don't seem right"
"I saw him at the sawmill yesterday on Choctaw Ridge"
"And now you tell me Billie Joe's jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge"

And Mama said to me "Child, what's happened to your appetite?"
"I've been cookin' all morning and you haven't touched a single bite"
"That nice young preacher, Brother Taylor, dropped by today"
"Said he'd be pleased to have dinner on Sunday, oh, by the way"
"He said he saw a girl that looked a lot like you up on Choctaw Ridge"
"And she and Billy Joe was throwing somethin' off the Tallahatchie Bridge"

A year has come 'n' gone since we heard the news 'bout Billy Joe
And Brother married Becky Thompson, they bought a store in Tupelo
There was a virus going 'round, Papa caught it and he died last Spring
And now Mama doesn't seem to wanna do much of anything
And me, I spend a lot of time pickin' flowers up on Choctaw Ridge

And drop them into the muddy water off the Tallahatchie Bridge


Aw man it gives me goosebumps. And her voice is beautiful and the dream was wonderful and I met old friends and dyed my hair in purple and black and pink using henna.

Today I beat my highscore in Tetris; 335268 points. Back to work.