Obsession with the past

I was looking at my Facebook memories (as I do every day) and realized that nine years ago today I woke up next to someone else's partner. I made some fucked up choices after drinking tequila at a party in the house I shared with two amazing ladies in Cork, Ireland. Those choices changed my life. I have no idea how my life would look today if it wasn't for that night. I don't know what made me feel drawn to that dude, why I made the choice to go to bed with him. I don't remember much of the party, or what happened in my bed (more because of the nine years since it happened than because of the tequila I think, but I'm sure both had an effect). I remember the song that was playing on repeat inside, I remember that we were standing outside, smoking, and everyone else went inside. I remember one of my housemates asking me the next day why that guys shoes where in the hallway when she woke up early in the morning. (Or maybe went to bed early in the morning?)

I fell for him, a very stupid "love", a toxic relationship without future or reason or logic. We were drawn to each other by some kind of undeniable force and we let it happen, we hurt each other and others, everything was dramatic and serious and stupid and... ugh. It drained the happiness from my life.

He moved to Sweden. He got married. And he kept writing to me, "refusing to become a memory" as he said. The idea of being adored was just too sweet. I tried to move on, I don't think I answered his emails but I don't know. Maybe I did. I don't remember. I knew even then that he was using me to feel special, more than anything else. I knew on some level. But unfortunately it didn't help, I still wanted nothing as much as I wanted him.

He and his wife separated. He contacted me and wanted to see me. I came running. So stupid. We became a real couple, finally, after years of stupid f*cking drama. I moved back to Stockholm and we lived together. It was never good. He never wanted it to become real, everyday, ordinary. That was all I wanted. I never really got it. It was a couple of years wasted. Terrible f*cking years. He was mean, and manipulative, and he didn't love me. Not at all. I think he wanted to keep me around because it was comfortable, I cooked and cleaned and payed for most of our food and furniture and clothes for his kids, so that he could spend his own money on fun stuff.

I loved his kids so much. So much that when I knew I should have left long ago I couldn't. I couldn't leave them. I couldn't leave them with him.

Then he started isolating me from them, cutting me off from them. And there was no reason for me to stay at all anymore.

Surprisingly the kids' mother contacted me when we broke up. I had not been allowed to talk to her. (!) We became friends. And I could see the kids. I still love those kids so much. And I love their mom. But I don't really think about their dad anymore.

Me and the kids' mom started comparing things that he had told us and very soon realized that there was a huge discrepancy. He had been lying, about everything, all the time. Everything. I didn't actually know anything about him at all.

Breaking up from someone who has spent years breaking you down is a pretty big deal. At the same time I had a lot of stress at work - a LOT of stress. A recipe for success, if by success you mean burnout and a depression that had been building up since that one night, nine years ago. That depression is still present in my life but at least that dude is not! The kids and their mom are though. And I'm happy about that. When I told her that her ex husband had been cheating on her with me she just hugged me. I was crying a lot. I love her. And I love her kids. And now I'm living in a different county again, and I miss them, but I'm so happy they are in my life.

I wonder where my life would have taken me if that night never happened. Who I would have been.

a plea (and other stuff)

Oh I have been so active today! I was going to go to the gym but as I was trying to convince myself that I really should do the dishes I realized that however good it is to go to the gym, when you would rather do dishes... well, it's not that important. I don't want to take the joy out of it.

So I went home and did all the dishes, sorted the washing, cleaned up my room lots, finished a painting, started a new one that I've been thinking about for ages and listened to Neil Gaiman reading The Graveyard Book for a couple of hours and I love it. And I ate Peking Duck.

If, or when, I leave Ireland I will miss Eva House. I'll have to come back now and then to eat Peking Duck here.

So yeah that brings me to the other point: I am looking for jobs in Sweden and I'm hoping (um, obviously) to move home. At some point. If I can find a job and place to stay. In Ireland you can find a place to rent in an afternoon and move in the next day. I'll miss that too.

And I'll miss how the hairs on Joe's arms are almost invisible untill the sun shines on them and they light up like fiery copper. It's very pretty.

Anyway if any of you Swedish people who say that youre going to visit me actually do, that would be great, because you could do me a huge favour: (and this is the plea) come over and bring stuff back. I have so much stuff. I won't bring it all home but there's so much that I really don't want to leave. I've had a life here for soon two years. That means a lot of stuff. (Of course the same things work for people in Ireland, if you want to come and visit me in Sweden, but you guys are like... three. So yeah, not getting my hopes up there.)

I'll have to leave my very comfortable desk chair, Moses, that I bought in Belfast. I'll miss that. (I once had a cat named Moses, he was huge and black and he would look at you like you where insanely inferior to him. And a little annoying.)

Listening to: My Playlist on Spotify - Everything from The Aposte of Hustle to Howlin' Wolf, aw yeah.

springtime

The sun is shining as if there was no tomorrow. As if it was in a hurry, to give all that is has before it is to late. White buildings gleam blindingly, every forgotten drop of rain is drying.

The sun is shining as if it was the first day in existence, as if some diety had just thought of light and the sun was an answer to that thought. Shining proudly, like it had just realized that it was the most important thing in the solar system.

The sun is shining so bright it might seem like wrath, it's sharp rays piercing through the filthy corrugated fibreglass roofing just outside the window, making it all the way in to touch my face, hidden from the sun for so long.

The sun is shining as though it was in love with this dirty old town. Shining on every secret, every hidden peice of filth, every memory, it's touch softer than a lover's, shining happily and free from judgement. Shining on everything, just as bright.

It's not going to stay this way. This is not the truth, this kind of burning love doesn't last. This isn't really spring. In this town, there is no spring, no winter, no summer. Just different states of autumn. But the sun shines on me for now.

Listening to: Great Lake Swimmers - Your Rocky Spine

meat

I got a couple of emails saying I shouldn't eat pork. I don't like pork but it is quite hard to avoid here, but seriously, you dont have to worry. 

Even if I wanted to I couldn't. 

ghosts

Second floor.

So I'm back and getting settled in the me I am here. People are really happy that I'm back and they smile at me and say nice things and I was picked up at the airport and today they've started forgetting I was ever gone. Things are very different but also the same, of course. There's two new Swedish girls (and a couple of Danish boys and a Swedish guy) and they are supernice. It feels so wierd though. Everything, still.

Things have really changed, I have really changed. Maybe not during the vacation but well... A combination of moving here and going back again.

No regrets.

You are always there. All the time. Haunting me. I was wishing and hoping but now I feel like it would be so much easier if I could just talk to you sometimes. I don't know if I can stop hoping but it hurts to much to wish. I try not to think of you. It's hard.

I feel good though.

Strange land

Ireland. ”Summer”. Tricked. The sun was shining down on me so hard for a couple of weeks. Now; monsoon. Thanks a lot.

I'm feeling... Not great. I won't get my contacts, so I'll have to order them to my mom and ask her to mail them to me. Whatever, it probably wont take any more time than to order them here.

That kind of suits my mood though. What I want I can't have. It makes me sad. And generally a bit... moody. So if I'm not in a good mood, it's because of that. I'm not spoilt (not much anyways) but I just never get what I want. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Whatever it is, it just... doesn't work.