All this pain

How can it all fit inside me while I'm feeling so small?

I've been crying so much today. Maybe yesterday? Saturday or Sunday? I don't remember. The last few days are a blur. I'm so stressed out, about stuff beyond my control. I can't relax. I sleep too much and I have rage outbursts and panic attacks and uncontrollable crying. My appetite is messed up. My body hurts, like I've been running for hours.

My mind is like a blender. My head feels like it's breaking. Cracking.

The stress makes me testy, annoyed, angry. The anger has a domino effect, it's explosive. I get so angry just because I'm angry. I have no reason for it and I get so angry at myself! And it just grows, way out of proportion, way beyond my control. I slam doors and scream. And I hate myself for it.

Inside me there is constant chaos. No rest. No respite. Constant fighting, running, reaching for the surface, for light, for air. No possibility to relax and catch my breath. Not once.

But last night I fell asleep with a smile, even though I woke up in a panic a couple of hours later. Running in my nightmares, never safe, never a moment of rest. I fell asleep again and returned to the nightmare, to the panic. When I woke up again I woke Chris up and made him talk to me. He talked about skateboarding.

I hope that I can get a shrink appointment soon.

Me forever

I'll always be me. I'll never get to be anyone else. I'll never get rid of my past. The things that have happened to me will always have happened. The person that I am will always keep being me. I'll never get rid of myself. I'll never be free from my memories. From the insane pain of all those betrayals.

I don't know how to move on, let go. I don't know how to handle my feelings. I don't know how to process my memories. I don't know how to live, how to find myself or get back out into the light.

People keep telling me that I'll get better but I have no idea how. It doesn't just pass by itself. It doesn't just get better. The memories don't go away.

I want to accept that but I don't know how to do that either. I'm stuck between hate and pain and I have no idea what to do about it.

I think that I'll be sad, angry, in pain for the rest of my life. I'm not okay with that. Maybe I should be? Maybe I should accept that this is what I am now? A broken down mess, a few jagged pieces of my former self. Maybe I should try to fight it? Put myself back together? Or build a new me? I don't know. I don't know what is right or wrong. Good or bad.

All I know is that I'm tired of all of it.

Why?

Sometimes there's a lot of anger, sometimes sadness. The feeling of being powerless.

But I'm always wondering why. What made him hate me so much? What made him want to hurt me so badly? What made him lie and steal and threaten and beat up my dad?

Why? How can a person want to be so mean?

If it was just my valuables and not my clothes and my teddy bear and the things I knitted I guess I could have understood that. I guess I would have thought that it was just about the money that he could get from selling my stuff. But it's so much more. He couldn't sell my underwear. He must have taken it only to hurt me. And to want to hurt someone so much, it's scary. It's sick.

I can't understand it. I can't understand why.

lost faith

I hate it when everything is great and someone turns it around for you. When someone you believe in just keeps on being... unbelievable. When you know that some things are just broken beyond all repair and there's just no reason to keep trying.

Listening to: Kristoffer's rage-playlist.

what I know and what I believe

I had a kinda shitty day today, in ways. I look a bit like Hulk Hogan from a kinda maybe not supergreat dye last night (redoing it in a couple of days though) and woke up when I was supposed to leave with a mad throatache. Everything went wrong all morning.

But work was extremely slow so I survived. Went to buy some food after and went home to cook it. Unfortunately I kinda failed the cooking! Me! The food wizard! Yes. Too bad. Shit happens. Joe smiled and said "It tasted great darling" and I don't believe him for a second but I do appreciate it and I like it so when he calls me darling.

At the same time this double feeling. Right underneath the happiness, worry, anger, sadness. Feels shitty.But I'll get over it, because I don't want this weight. I don't want that again. But the memory is clear as daylight, the memory of the pain. The anger is close. 

But I won't get angry. I'm unforgiving this once but I don't want to fall back into that darkness. Let you forget... Sure. Whatever. I'll forget.

Maybe I should forgive? For my own sanity's sake? Or maybe I should just try to not think about it? Because the more I do the angrier I become. Don't want that, don't need that, not now, not ever.

So how about I do the dishes now?

Listening to: Lykke Li - I'm Good, I'm Gone (spotify)

springtime

The sun is shining as if there was no tomorrow. As if it was in a hurry, to give all that is has before it is to late. White buildings gleam blindingly, every forgotten drop of rain is drying.

The sun is shining as if it was the first day in existence, as if some diety had just thought of light and the sun was an answer to that thought. Shining proudly, like it had just realized that it was the most important thing in the solar system.

The sun is shining so bright it might seem like wrath, it's sharp rays piercing through the filthy corrugated fibreglass roofing just outside the window, making it all the way in to touch my face, hidden from the sun for so long.

The sun is shining as though it was in love with this dirty old town. Shining on every secret, every hidden peice of filth, every memory, it's touch softer than a lover's, shining happily and free from judgement. Shining on everything, just as bright.

It's not going to stay this way. This is not the truth, this kind of burning love doesn't last. This isn't really spring. In this town, there is no spring, no winter, no summer. Just different states of autumn. But the sun shines on me for now.

Listening to: Great Lake Swimmers - Your Rocky Spine

silence

Silence all around me.

Everytime I think I might be close to release I loose grip. It always takes me a couple of days to regain focus, to get back on track. But I make it after a while, even though it's hard.

The problem is I just can't stop hoping, but still I can't let go. It's destroying me. I don't want this. I want my life to be about me. I want peace of mind. I want something else.

I don't want this emotional blackmail.

Everything I say is true.

We got paid today. I actually have a budget, or I've started making a budget and I'll finish it as well! I will. Today I bought some stuff but everything I buy for creative reasons feels okay. I got some stuff for making autumn decorations for the house and some acrylic paint for the clay figures I'm making and yarn for finishing my scarf and some other stuff. I have so much inspiration! I don't know where it all comes from! Amazing.

After this little shopping orgy at Vibes and Scribes me, Maria and Viola had fika at Tribes. (Vibes, scribes, tribes. The best thing rhyme.) The fika was tea and hot chocolate and needlepoint and knitting and wonderful Philly steak and cheese sandwiches with curly fries.

Tomorrow is halloween. Today we put up a million billion halloween thingys and tomorrow we're all going to dress up for work. I'm going to do makeup on everyone. Or everyone that wants makeup, that is.

On saturday it's IKEA all day long. We're leaving at five in the morning and driving for four or five hours to Belfast. In the evening Viola and Björn might throw a party. I guess the word has spread enough for people to show up at their house, wether they actually are throwing a party or not. There's a chance I might be a bit tired though. We'll see.

Next weekend we (or maybe mostly I) will be hosting a small dinner thing.

Apart from that I'm mostly planning for christmas. We're going to have a tree and my mom and dinner and stuff. Great stuff! It's going to be awesome.

Now I'm gonna take a bath. A bubbly bath. Let go of all of my thoughts.

Listening to: Cocteau Twins, the complete discography on shuffle. So damn good. Like perfume for my ears. Favourites right now are "Ivo" and "Hitherto".
Reading: Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay. Totally different from the TV-series.

fire

I might not feel angry in the morning. I'll wake up with a headache, yeah, tired and shit, but I might not be mad anymore.

I probably will though.

Just sent the angriest mail in my life, I think. Maybe I wont feel angry. Maybe I will still just feel... empty. Like I am now. Got it out of me I guess.

Yeah, you destroyed me. But don't feel sorry for anyone.