Chachachachaaaanges

Changes are so stressful! I've had a ... not good, but not very bad summer. I've felt lonely and isolated. I've missed Sweden. I've dealt with psychiatrists that did not give a flying flunk about me, my feelings, my experiences and my thoughts. I've mostly been indoors. But I've been with my darling. I've been in love. I've been carefully dreaming a little about the future instead of only trying to shut all thoughts up. I've been feeling hopefull. Now fall is here and it brings storms of change, good change but still stressful because it's change.

It's difficult when you have a lot to do and remember, and your brain just sort of shuts down. I get to keep some functions. I can cook, even though I get really stressed if there's anything that doesn't go according to plan. I can worry about stuff. I can make stuff even though I also make a mess. I've been patching my infinity skirt the last couple of days, at the moment I'm on patch number 20 for this specific round and there's still a ways to go. It makes my back ache but I want to get it done. I've been making some cards and spinning some yarn and carving some stamps.

And I've started thinking about Christmas! Mmmm Christmas. I still love Christmas. Even though I've experienced some shitty ones.

More specifically I've started to think about what I should get for Chris. He's a super tricky guy to shop for.

And of course having several panic or anxiety attacks every day! Woop! Fun stuff!

Anyway, I'm going to bed.

New year

Same old lactose intolerance. Note to self; don't buy the cheapest cheese. Because it is not naturally lactose free like most cheeses that have been aged like a month or something.

On the other hand I got some super awesome gifts this Christmas! Me and Chris spent it with his family in England, vegetating on sofas for most part of a three week vacation. It was wonderful.

And it's equally wonderful to be back home. Where clothes are optional. And where tap water is drinkable (if slightly more rich in lime (not the fruit) than I thought was even possible).

We finished season three of x files and I watched season one and two of black sails. We're watching parks and rec (we're at the end of season four I think).

We started a couple of art projects together.

Life is pretty good.

Christmas cards!

It's the second advent (even tho it's technically Monday the seventh now) and I just finished all the Christmas cards! I think I made around 30 this year, my record probably! I'll put up some photos of them after Christmas maybe. If I remember.

We're leaving on the 11th, just five more sleeps! I'm exited! I haven't finished all the Christmas knitting yet, hopefully I will before Christmas. I have the days between the 11th and the 24th of course but time flies when you're travelling. Now if only I haven't run out of yarn...

hey it's christmas soon

Here's my wishlist if you feel like buying me stuff!

What do you want for Christmas?

Pod, metaphors, Christmas, motherly love

Some news my beloved readers!

- I have, with my dear, dear friend Alexandra, started a podcast that you should listen to!

- On Saturday I'm metaphor wrestling for the fourth time (I think)! It's great fun! Come and watch it if you are in Skåne! Inkonst, eight o'clock, free entrance! I won't be catpuppy this time. I will channel the Amazing Grace! She is from America and she likes God and Freedom and Guns.

- I have baked ginger snaps, or "pepper cookies" (literal translation from swedish). This is one of my two Christmas traditions. The other is making and sending cards. Woop!

- My mother came by yesterday with a gift calendar! The advent calendar is a big deal in sweden. There are lots of different ones. There's even an official one from the free tv and radio thing. It's a socialist thing. Yay sweden! Anyway the gift calendars are a fun way to spend more money on small objects for your beloved ones. I am so happy for mine! Even though I won't be giving away anything for Christmas myself.

I think that's all the news. I've been feeling down the last few days and decided to quit alcohol for a few weeks. I painted a painting that turned out pretty horrible. I bought a new eye shadow. I watched all of the new season of Downton. I ate some chocolate. I decided to make a doll thing that I still haven't started making.

Hugs and kisses from your favorite bloggie <3

Survivor

So I did the Christmas thing yesterday and I survived. Today I'm tired.

I got some awesome presents though.

Silent night

Listening to music. Enjoying it thoroughly. A friend of mine gifted me a month of spotify premium and I'm listening to radio based on a wardruna song. Gothy and a bit of black metal and folk. Yummmm.

Very "winter is coming"-feel. Painting my nails again. The last time it failed.

Skyped with Maria for a bit, a long bit, it was lovely.

Dark plum purple this time. I like it. Smoking my e-cigarette.

Tomorrow I'm having lunch with my mom and then I'm going to buy some glögg, swedish spiced mulled wine, and some nice cheese and gingerbread dough and having a very nice evening.

Just december

Not really Christmas. I'm sitting in my bed at the ward, listening to music and crocheting. Feeling strange and empty. Lonely. But I don't want to be with anyone.

I can smell hospital food. There's minus eighty three crowns on my account. It's raining outside.

rich

I got everything really. I can't think of anything better than spending the evening with a couple of good friends (Johan and Olof), watching a very very good movie (Romero's Diary of the Dead), eating my favourite food (peking duck from Eva House of course) and my favourite ice cream (B&J's Caramel Chew Chew). 

Spending a couple of hours listening to music and talking shit about nothing at all is also great stuff. 

And oh! I made someone happy today! Maybe the best thing ever. "Best christmas present in 27 years" could be the best review I've ever got. 

My first day working "for real" (not that I had a clue what I was doing or anything) went rather well. Everyone was very helpful and nice. 

Also I've decided what I'm going to do with all my stuff in Sweden. Since it doesn't look like I'm going back I'll get rid of most of it. Give it away probably, maybe sell some, throw some away. So; if you're in Lund this spring, and you want free stuff (and trust me, I've got some nice stuff) just let me know. If you want to buy stuff that's okay too. 

Less than one week to Maria's birthday now. 21 - internationally all grown up. I've got five days to find a perfect perfect gift, since that's what she always get's me. 

Shit.

Well. Going to get myself a couple of gifts too. T-Shirt Hell is closing down.

Just wish the nightmares would give me a break. Seriously. So much death and pain and stuff going wrong and everything is absurd. Things breaking. 

Listening to: Party Ben bootleg mashups. Like Drop It Like It's A Whole Lotta Love.

truth and dreams

I had a dream about a man who could change the colour of his eyes. His hair was long and he was very rich.

Christmas has been christmas, food and wine and mild chaos. I'm tired now.

!

Merry Christmas! 

cookies!

Yes, I love cookies. Especially Swedish christmas-cookies; ginger snaps. And I do collect unusual cookiecutters. So thank you mom for the cookiecutters!!! Perfect!

Also I'm hoping that the christmas presents I've ordered from the internet actually gets here before christmas... 

Just saw the last episode of season three of Heroes! And... WOW! (Also POW and WOOSH and lot's of stuff like that.) 

We had a really big, long, weekend breakfast today, and it's great having my mom here, and the house is so christmassy and nice... Think I'm gonna eat some cookies now.

Listening to: Jackson 5 - Can You Feel It

no, this is madness

Been very stuck on this flashgame the last couple of days. It drives me nuts. I get to question 92, where I always die.

Apart from that training is going well I guess, I took my first call yesterday, or, well, made my first call actually. It was no biggie though, only a password reset. But still.

Last night me and Ida where out with a couple of guys from the Swedish headquarters of our department. Great fun. Quite tired today.

Today we had Luciafika and Helen's sister had made us the best cake ever (DELICIOUS CAKE) and we had lussekatter and glögg and pepparkakor.

And after work I went down the pub for one. And then went home. Incredible!

And now it's ten and there is not a chance that I will be able to stay awake much longer. Slept for four hours or so last night and I've got a lot of christmas shopping to do tomorrow! Watched the first two episodes of season three of Heroes and had a snack box from Hillbilly's and now I'm almost dislocating my jaw from yawning so keep all yours fingers crossed that the weather tomorrow will be splendid!  

Good night!

stand tall

So I reach my limit and I break down and I'm lost in darkness and I loose all hope and I fight through it and go insane and start laughing at the pain and shake it off and go back to normal.

Normal in ths situation being shutting up about how I feel until I reach my limit and it repeats.

I can't really talk about it. I am surrounded by people who care about me and who I care about but I don't tell them anything and I feel kinda bad shutting them out but I don't have a choice.

But I'm cool. I hold it together. I have a stable ground of happiness to build myself on.

It's strange, to be happy and still hurt so much.

And I'm sorry but it does really hurt. Of course it hurts. I can't think of anything but you.

Today work was kinda slow. I got a really nice email saying that my support was great and stuff. I was a bit insane and funny and it's really easy to be happy in my workplace. It's so nice to have Ida and Hannah back. And me and Maria ate taco fries for dinner, and gingerbread (peppercookie!) dough for dessert while watching Buffy and Angel. I'm almost done knitting a baby hat for Carolines baby again since the first one I did was to small. After that I'm going to finish three christmas presents, and then I'll have to take it easy with the knitting for a while if I want to finish all the christmas cards and stuff...

And I'm dreaming about going to America, or getting lazer eye surgery. But I get my new glasses on friday and they are so gorgeous that I might want to keep my bad eye sight. So I'll probably just keep paying debts untill they're payed.

Tomorrow I'm making gingerbread dough, not the kind I ate today, which is prefab, but the real real kind, that's tricky to make without a machine. But I'll give it my best. And hopefully I'll make it. And maybe have a beer with Ida later. On friday, exept for getting my glasses, we have a team dinner, which will probably be awesome, as they tend to be.

There. Back to normal.

Listening to: Tracy Chapman - Collection

november sun

I've been way to tired to post anything the last few days. I guess stuff has been going on that would be interesting to read about if you find my life interesting, like a really fun team dinner, juntameets, extremely good fish soup with saffron and chilli and orange and carrots and red lentils and salmon and haddock and guess if it had lovely colours?

Yes it had. Tasted good too.

Apart from that I've cleaned a little and planned a lot more cleaning, coloured Maria's hair, made lasagna, been tired and actually not so much more. Today is thursday and this week has swooshed by as in a haze.

Well anyhow christmas is here!

silence

Silence all around me.

Everytime I think I might be close to release I loose grip. It always takes me a couple of days to regain focus, to get back on track. But I make it after a while, even though it's hard.

The problem is I just can't stop hoping, but still I can't let go. It's destroying me. I don't want this. I want my life to be about me. I want peace of mind. I want something else.

I don't want this emotional blackmail.

Everything I say is true.

We got paid today. I actually have a budget, or I've started making a budget and I'll finish it as well! I will. Today I bought some stuff but everything I buy for creative reasons feels okay. I got some stuff for making autumn decorations for the house and some acrylic paint for the clay figures I'm making and yarn for finishing my scarf and some other stuff. I have so much inspiration! I don't know where it all comes from! Amazing.

After this little shopping orgy at Vibes and Scribes me, Maria and Viola had fika at Tribes. (Vibes, scribes, tribes. The best thing rhyme.) The fika was tea and hot chocolate and needlepoint and knitting and wonderful Philly steak and cheese sandwiches with curly fries.

Tomorrow is halloween. Today we put up a million billion halloween thingys and tomorrow we're all going to dress up for work. I'm going to do makeup on everyone. Or everyone that wants makeup, that is.

On saturday it's IKEA all day long. We're leaving at five in the morning and driving for four or five hours to Belfast. In the evening Viola and Björn might throw a party. I guess the word has spread enough for people to show up at their house, wether they actually are throwing a party or not. There's a chance I might be a bit tired though. We'll see.

Next weekend we (or maybe mostly I) will be hosting a small dinner thing.

Apart from that I'm mostly planning for christmas. We're going to have a tree and my mom and dinner and stuff. Great stuff! It's going to be awesome.

Now I'm gonna take a bath. A bubbly bath. Let go of all of my thoughts.

Listening to: Cocteau Twins, the complete discography on shuffle. So damn good. Like perfume for my ears. Favourites right now are "Ivo" and "Hitherto".
Reading: Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay. Totally different from the TV-series.

good intentions

Although I had intended to be a good girl and go to bed at ten last night, I of course started cleaning my room and blogging and being just generally awake. So I think I went to bed around twelve. And of course I did not wake up when my alarm started ringing, at 05.40, and I still fell a bit icky and flu-ish, so I decided to take it a bit easy and not go running. Also I realized that the sun goes up when I go to work so all running would be running in darkness. A bit scary but I think I would be alright. I might not live in the safest area but just before dawn I think the bad guys are asleep. And most of the bad guys I've met are not guys so much as fourteen year old girls who had a little bit too much to drink. So I'll be fine.

And well yeah, of course I spent maybe half an hour or so this morning on cleaning my room...

I'm very much looking forward to christmas. My mom is coming here and I'm goint to force her to make me liver stew. And I'm going to make her chocolate pie. And It will be so nice.

It's really never happened before but all of a sudden I want snow for christmas. Me and Nils and Astrid (my brother and sister) are thinking of going skiing in the alps some time this winter. I'm not sure I'll be able to, bu oh how I want it!

In other news the "fish of the week" has come to an end. It started 21 weeks ago as a weekly email that I sent out within the team, and it still is. Only that the team has changed. Well, anyhow, from next week on a new era will start, and I plan to start posting stuff here as well.

The first and the last is the same.

Friday/tired

Ah well. Office is cold. I have a cold. Head hurts. No coffee. Headset broken, new, stolen headset uncomfortable. Slept to long, breakfast at work.

Tired of christmas ornaments all over my computer.

One call in one hour. My least favourite kind of call. Can't get in to mailserver. Nothing to do. But it's ok.

Saw a bad movie last night. The Bridge to Terrabithia. Really lousy film. Indescribably worthless. But with a couple of pretty cool effects.

Want... coffee...

Tonight I'm gonna buy some stuff, and then movies at Dave's.

Happy holidays

I see my own distorted reflection in a thousand brightly coloured spheres. Lights are constantly flashing around me, changing colours, moving, making me feel slightly nauseous. The soothing darkness is pierced by the faint shine from metre upon metre of tinsel in every imaginable colour.

Having a hangover at christmas is very bad. I think the only solution is to keep drinking.

Tell me what you see

No actionmovie yesterday, horrormovie instead. The second movie I've seen since I came here, almost a month ago. Black Christmas. One of the worst movies I have ever seen. In my life. No plot, no nothing, not even nakednes enough to make up for it, even though all of the characters where sororitygirls. Don't see it, see Texas Chainsaw instead, if you need blood and gore. Texas Chainsaw is a good film.

The traffic system in this city is completely insane, bordering to anarchistic. When they designed the infrastructure here they tried to make it difficult to drive here so that people would'nt. But they do anyways. The big street in the citycenter, Patrick (wich is, of course, short for St. Patrick's street) is a big, heavily trafficated three lane road, arcing trough the city like a big poisonous snake. The only way to get anywhere is to run, death defyingly, across large streets full of swiftly moving cars. If you're lucky, you'll live.

Im slowly learning to drink the water, but only if I hold my breath and think of something else. There was quite a lot of lemons left after the party on friday, and with lots of lemon and ice the water is drinkable. Otherwise I mostly drink the water from the watercoolers at work, or I buy water, even though it's expensive. I just hate the chlorine taste. I don't even like brushing my teeth in it. I can smell it when I'm showering and when I do the dishes. It smells poisonous and sharp. In Sweden I did'nt even like swimming in pools.

Since it's almost christmas, they feed us sweets every day. It's insane. I am so full all the time.

Our pay is late. It should have come in today, but it did'nt.