Out and about

Travel is so much fun and so much stress and so much overwhelming. I have a problem with big, noisy, crowded places, except for one. Gröna Lund in Stockholm is a place where I feel happy, even though I'm constantly surrounded by screaming people and massive crowds and huge, noisy structures and bright colours and bad music and in general a lot of stuff that would normally trigger a panic attack. My inner child looks at it all with starry eyed wonder. And I manage to keep it together. And. Yesterday my friend T won TWO KILOS OF TOBLERONE.

A marvellous day. I also went on three different roller coasters (and the fun house) and it was a lot of fun!

So far this trip (although it's intense) has been really good. I'm away from home for a long time but it's still hectic and I feel like I don't have time to see anyone.

One year

A couple of days ago me and my lovely darling had our one year anniversary, we celebrated by being ill! Yay! Now it's the weekend and we're still both pretty crappy. But we love each other and take care of each other and cuddle extra much, as usual.

Being physically weak always makes me super sensitive and moody, and I end up thinking too much about small trivial things from my past. I think my shrink would have told me to be okay with thinking about difficult stuff but I really don't want to! So I end up listening to audio books, watching movies and TV shows and playing tons of games (especially the super cute Seabeard!) to drown out my thoughts.

While listening to books (the Joona Linna-books by Kepler and Mists of Avalon By Marion Zimmer Bradley) I've been knitting on a brioche scarf and matching mittens for a friend (who asked AGES ago), spinning yarn (as always) and drawing a LOT! And trying (again) to learn some Photoshop! Very rewarding and fun. Definitely balances up my sadness and moodiness a bit.

In a couple of weeks it's time for me to finally fix my tooth, an anesthesiologist has been booked and I will be in a drug-induced sleep during the procedure. It's super expensive so all of march will be in super-saving-mode. No excesses. But in a couple of months we're going to Stockholm! I'm so incredibly exited, it's not completely final yet but we're pretty sure we can make it. That means I might get to see my friend's play about Ayn Rand AND the Vivian Maier exhibition! And of course hug some of my favourite people on the planet! Yay!

New year

Same old lactose intolerance. Note to self; don't buy the cheapest cheese. Because it is not naturally lactose free like most cheeses that have been aged like a month or something.

On the other hand I got some super awesome gifts this Christmas! Me and Chris spent it with his family in England, vegetating on sofas for most part of a three week vacation. It was wonderful.

And it's equally wonderful to be back home. Where clothes are optional. And where tap water is drinkable (if slightly more rich in lime (not the fruit) than I thought was even possible).

We finished season three of x files and I watched season one and two of black sails. We're watching parks and rec (we're at the end of season four I think).

We started a couple of art projects together.

Life is pretty good.

Trippin and coughin

So I did bake that thing, I wasn't very pleased with it unfortunately.

I went to Sweden to get the last of my stuff, and I'm happy to have it all in one place even though the stress from traveling and moving killed my immune system and I was sick for about a week after.

By now the complete chaos is subsiding. There's still a few boxes standing around and some things that don't really have a home yet but most stuff is sorted.

My curling iron wasn't there, and a few other things that I thought I'd get back, but there was a lot of stuff that I'd missed and that I'm really happy to be reunited with! And a lot of stuff that I'm giving to welfare.

I've started knitting christmas gifts! And today I went to the doctor for the first time since I moved over. I hope to be able to get a therapist here but it might be tricky and take time. I feel worried and sad about that. Even though we're surrounded by large cities here - Gothenburg is right to the East, North of here is Oslo, and Denmark is small so Copenhagen is just a 40 minute flight away - it feels like we're close to stuff! But we're in North Jylland (jutland?) and there's not much of anything here. (Except students and bars.) Doctors and psychologists are thin on the ground, unfortunately. We're pretty much in the countryside.

---EDIT---

Uhmmmm my curling iron was one of the first things I did unpack. Depression forgetfulness is SO MUCH FUN.

Airport air

The smell, like plastic, or an old vacuum machine. My feet hurt and it's warm and sticky in here. Thousands of sweaty people scurrying around, everyone bordering between rude and a forced politeness.

I'm tired of flying. I'm tired of this sweaty airport. I'm tired of security and walking half an hour to get to the right gate only to have it changed and having to walk again.

good night?

Today's been weird. I ate a cream based soup, once again forgetting about my lactose intolerance. My BFF turned 26 but had a kinda sad ending to her day. I drank coffee late in the evening and went almost hyper.

Now it's late and I feel lonely. I feel bad about feeling lonely. I miss my boyfriends. Both of them. Even though I love being in a polygamous situation it's still really new to me and I haven't really learned to navigate the waters yet. Like how much should or can I talk about one of them with the other? I'm scared of hurting them.

I feel lonely and cold. I love spending time with Maria though. It's wonderful to be here but sweet baby buddha it's cold!

Bedtime now. I have a bear hat and I wear it constantly. Tomorrow I'm going to DO THINGS. Go places. Eat stuff.

Goodnight.


Listening to: The Decemberists

manx mists

So I'm still at IoM and I'm feeling better both mentally and physically. Being sick always makes me sad. But yesterday Maria and I went to like three different towns and bought some yarn and a new hat and some other small things that I could almost afford so I feel a bit giddy over my new hat and... yeah! Stuff! Owning physical things induce happiness! Scary but true. 

Another thing that makes me really happy is this whole new "two boyfriends" deal. It's pretty frackin awesome, let me tell you. I can see what people might think, that it's wrong or not as special or whatever but these two relationships are extremely different and might also not function without each other. I love two dudes. And I love a whole bunch of other people too. But these two dudes I love more than just like friends and they both love me back. I can't not smile when I think about it. And they both love me enough to be okay with me having the other. That's pretty much love from pretty open minded and amazing people. 

The fact that one of them lives in Denmark and the other in Texas definitely makes it easier. I live in Sweden. But the Danish one lives like an hour away. So the intimacy I miss from having a long distance relationship isn't a problem anymore and the stability that I want I still have. None of these relationships really lack anything - not more than any other relationship does - but when I have both I have everything I could possibly want, more than one relationship could possibly provide.

I feel very lucky.

sick and self doubting on the isle of man

My BFF Maria invited me to her tiny kingdom/magical fairyland/island/home for a visit and the first thing I do is get a fever. I came here on friday and it's monday now and I feel so shitty for being sick. I know it's stupid but my feelings are stupid sometimes.

I'm wrestling a huge monstrosity of self doubt. I feel like I wouldn't have an original idea if my life was on the line. I'm a hack. I have no education and no goals and nothing. I fail at everything and I have these vain dreams that mean nothing at all. I'm never going to be anything.

Hopelessness wraps itself around me like a wet, cold woolen blanket. Why do I think I can be something? Why do I fool myself?

Ugh.

In other news I have two boyfriends now. Double loved but still self loathing. So stupid.

Adventures! Travel! Emotions!

You like that stuff right! All the good stuff. Yeah.
So today was GREAT. I stayed awake all day. I went to the workshop. I went to Rättvik with Kajsa and bought some yarn. (Not really needed perhaps but pretty. A very nice linen cotton something (rayon? No. Viscose maybe) blend that I'm gonna make a lace scarf of. My first real lace project! Scary and exiting.
I had tasty wonderful pizza, maybe for the last time in a long time, and I bought SO much vegetables! Oh my gosh. All the vegetables.
Gonna be healthy.
Getting sleepy now.
Talked to the best boyfriend ever for a while and played computer games and talked to friends and watched YouTube stuff and trailers for coming movies.
Uh. Almost sleeping now. Goodnight bots. I love you bots.

New York, New York

So somehow everything I read at the moment seems to be about New York. Comics, books. I feel like I'm half there, in the city that has everything. Big and small lives in a tangle.

Rules of Civility by Amor Towles is a wonderful story set in 1938. It's shimmering like dusty diamonds, ice and cigarette smoke. Vibrant and gripping.

Octopus Pie by Meredith Gran is a funny and harsh comic about a group of people. I can't really say much more but there's a lot. Magical adventures, drunken mistakes, worries about love and money and drugs and cats.

Johnny Wander is another comic, by Ananth Panagariya and Yuko Ota. It's a biography-comic I guess? They make it about their life. It has cats and coffee and everyday stuff. It's very sweet and well made.

I love travelling and I dream about it all the time but NY is a city I never really found fascinating. It seems to have a magical magnetism but it never really gripped me. It seems too large and noisy and, well... I don't know. Not interesting? I dream about New Orleans and San Fransisco and ... Canada. I want to go back to Hawaii. Or... I don't know. The last year or so all travel has been so stressful that I hardly want to leave my room. I want to be here. I want to be here until june and then I want to get on a plane and go to Houston. And try to not totally freak out.

adventure!

Today is tuesday amazingly, feels like... wednesday maybe. Yesterday I was so tired after work I had to have a nap and I didn't make any dinner, had chinese with Joe instead, and watched The Wire at his place, and had a white russian.

Today I went to the gym after work, worked out pretty hard wich felt great and got so much energy! Then I went home and made the best stew ever by simply pouring about a decilitre of Sherry in it. It was awesome. Awesome. I think I might post the recipe at some point.

And when I had finished dinner it was like eight and I had time to clean the upstairs bathroom! Great! And in ten minutes Joe is picking me up and we're going to see Mesrine: Killer Instinct. Seeing the trailer yesterday made me almost frantic ("Oh my god oh my god Vincent Cassel and a lot of guns look at all the guns oh my god I have to see it let's go see it Joe let's see it!") and I've been reading about Vincent Cassel and also his insanely beautiful wife Monica Bellucci all day.

But anyway, today's biggest news is probably not that I got perfume in my eye but that I'll be going to Stockholm for a couple of days next week. Really just a couple of days, but I'm really looking forward to it! Going to see my poor mom before she turns into a pig, gonna hug my crazy cats before they're somebody else's, see some friends before I see them again and that's pretty much all I have time for.

Now: Vincent Cassel and a lot of guns!

Listening to: My Playlist

home, boys, home

So in twenty minutes - at eleven - I leave work and take a cab to the airport, where I will be flying home to Sweden! Woop!

Also I'm in love. In love with a house.

news or something

So I'll be coming to Sweden in ten days - the eighteenth of june. With my boyfriend. (Getting used to the word a bit. Even more, feeling very happy about it. He is amazing. Enough cheesiness!)

Anyways there will be giveaways of stuff, as I have mentioned, and I want to see everyone and get drunk every night and go to the beach and have bbq's and whatnot, but it's mostly gonna be sorting stuff. So yeah, now I've said that.

Bought Pride and Prejudice and Zombies today and now I'm gonna read it.

Working nine to six this week and it's SWEET.

Listening to: Richard Cheese on Spotify.

travel

On the road again, pretty soon. But I'm just going to Lund. Or it's not so just, but I wont be going anywhere else. And woop! Joe is coming with me for a few days! We'll be arriving in Lund on the eighteenth and we'll be staying in my apartment. It feels great but I think it's gonna feel weird going back with no Ida here. She left today and I was crying most of the morning.

Been keeping busy reading webcomics like Girls with Slingshots and Hark, a Vagrant. I realized that there's a chance I like female comic artists better. I pretty much love comics, and there are lot's of male comic artists on my list of favourites, but the very very best ones often turn out to be women.

And then there's a crazy amount of crap. That's the nice thing about the internets. The crap. The unbelievable amounts of crap. And other stuff. I love finding pearls of niceness in the ocean of random bad and/or boring stuff. Haha.

Well, from the nineteenth this month and about a week forward I'll be giving away stuff, hugs, books, furniture, teacups, cd's, clothes, ducks, more stuff and some other stuff and accepting drinks, hugs and hangouts. You can't have my skiis though. I want to keep them. And a couple of other things. But apart from that, lot's of free stuff for pretty much anyone who shows up and grabs it! Yay! (Also you can spy on my handsome boyfriend.)

Also yeah not really getting used to that concept holy cow boyfriend? Wow. It's scary and awesome but mostly we have lot's and lot's of fun. Like the other day when we went to the beach and I hurt my foot. Uhm. Crappy anecdote yeah but it was a really good day. My foot still hurts.

Yeah scary stuff, boyfriends.


Listening to: Rachid Taha - Ida (by coincidence!)

still got so very far to go

I get so mad at myself when I'm late for work. I'm going to start waking up an hour earlier. Really. From now on. So yeah, that's five o'clock. In the morning.

But I'm not going to be late anymore.

I had a really bad day today, but then I took a walk with Hannah at lunch and talked a lot about everything that made me mad and now I feel a lot better. That's a great thing. That I can talk about stuff and then feel better about them. I'm happy about that.

So me and Tall&Handsome cancelled the Dingle-plans, we're going to the film festival instead. It seems great! Yay!

Been scribbling a lot, trying to come up with some kind of childrens book character. So far i think I could call that book "stranger danger" 'cause all of the characters I draw look bloody scary.

If I had a scanner I would scan them for the world to see. Yes indeed.

Back to work.

better, better, better

First: bacon is amazing. 

I worked today and it was alright. Fell asleep the moment i came home. Woke up after a couple of hours, vacuumed, made some not great food. Spent a couple of hours chillin, talking to mom, talking to Sandra, talking to Tall&Handsome over the phone about our trip this weekend, booking bnb, deleting stuff from my mp3-player, watched youtube-videos, read stuff, ate the not so great food, blah blah. I'm in a generally good mood. I won over the flu, I survived work, I'm going away with Tall&Handsome this weekend. Good stuff.

He got double points yesterday for dropping by and watching a movie with me. Men of the world: you think your flu's are horrible, but so are ours! We might not need taking care of (I don't anyways... Not from any guy. Maria takes care of me.) but company and hugs are allways appreciated.

Well, we're going to Dingle, or to a short film festival, if we can get tickets. Seems like the weather will be a bit crappy so it might be a good idea.

Damn... Now it's almost ten o'clock. To late to wash the floors. I'll have to do it tomorrow. Damn.

Listening to: Laleh. Like four or five tracks on repeat. *love*

summary of tuesday

Did you know that Jack Nicholson has a pretty good singing voice? He does a pretty special version of La Vie en Rose. Parts of it in french. Oh yes.

Today has not been good or bad. Work was alright, Maria was home with some kind of flu or such (don't think it was the same one as I had but who knows the ways of flus) but we were'nt really flooded with calls, no two hour router calls, nothing bad.

I came home and played some wow, had dinner, played some more. Kind of half hearted. Mostly ran around feeling clueless. Now I'm really tired, wich is a very good thing since I've had some problems making myself go to bed at night, as returning readers might have already understood. Now it's ten thirty and I'm gonna go brush my teeth.

Feels really good that I made out this morning and I have high hopes I'll make it again tomorrow.

I want to travel. I want to go to Iceland. Or steal a car and go to Scotland. Or go to America. Or anywhere.

space... cowboy... pirates!

When I landed in Ängelholm today my hair was still wet since the shower I had in Stockholm... Weird feeling. But everything went really smooth and I got my money by now and all.

So I'm my dad's. All five kids where here for a while. It was great. My baby sister is extremely sweet. And my grandma was here for dinner. I really have to say I love my family, and I love being with them. It was wonderful seing mom and it's wonderful being here.

We had lamb for dinner, which I love. I've been driving some and it's lot's of fun, it's been a good while. Going tomorrow to buy a laptop. I'm absolutely thrilled. Apart from that I'm going to try to fix all the FFF-stuff I hav'nt had a chance to do. I really hope I have time tomorrow.

And yes! Space-cowboy-pirates! Can you think of anything better? No. No you can't. Firefly beats just about anything. It's great. Gorram great.

"Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing."

Now is bedtime. Big day tomorrow.

Still think about you all the time. (Now how's that for an ego-boost?)

night in Stockholm

When you know what you want, when you're really sure, then it's not so hard. When you know what you're willing to give to get what you want.

Time, money. Anything.

I want one thing. I'm willing to wait for it. As long as it takes. I know it's worth it.

I'm at Irena's place, we're having a good time, watching movies, eating, chillaxing in general. It's great.

It's really nice seeing everyone again. And seeing some for the first time! Ylva is a sweet sweet baby girl and I had a great time at Emilia's. Now we're making applepancakes I think...

Last night was better than I had imagined.

And tomorrow I'm going south.

Uppsala

So after eleven hours of travelling I am now at my mom's place in Uppsala. Woke up at five, kinda hungover after 99 calls, one bottle of wine and four hours of sleep, the taxi picked me up at six, plane left at eight-ish... Or it should have, but it was kinda late. Spent the flight talking to a french girl named Chloé. A couple of hours at Stansted, a croissont, another flight, and I landed in Västerås, smallest airport ever. The bus - the only bus - for Uppsala left without me (and a plastic surgeon named Marcus from England who liked Kevin Smith) but luckily it turned around to pick us up.

Me and mom had the mushroom and fish dish that I love and watched Montalbano which I also love and now I'm super duper tired.

Tomorrow my single goal is a pizza.