Obsession with the past

I was looking at my Facebook memories (as I do every day) and realized that nine years ago today I woke up next to someone else's partner. I made some fucked up choices after drinking tequila at a party in the house I shared with two amazing ladies in Cork, Ireland. Those choices changed my life. I have no idea how my life would look today if it wasn't for that night. I don't know what made me feel drawn to that dude, why I made the choice to go to bed with him. I don't remember much of the party, or what happened in my bed (more because of the nine years since it happened than because of the tequila I think, but I'm sure both had an effect). I remember the song that was playing on repeat inside, I remember that we were standing outside, smoking, and everyone else went inside. I remember one of my housemates asking me the next day why that guys shoes where in the hallway when she woke up early in the morning. (Or maybe went to bed early in the morning?)

I fell for him, a very stupid "love", a toxic relationship without future or reason or logic. We were drawn to each other by some kind of undeniable force and we let it happen, we hurt each other and others, everything was dramatic and serious and stupid and... ugh. It drained the happiness from my life.

He moved to Sweden. He got married. And he kept writing to me, "refusing to become a memory" as he said. The idea of being adored was just too sweet. I tried to move on, I don't think I answered his emails but I don't know. Maybe I did. I don't remember. I knew even then that he was using me to feel special, more than anything else. I knew on some level. But unfortunately it didn't help, I still wanted nothing as much as I wanted him.

He and his wife separated. He contacted me and wanted to see me. I came running. So stupid. We became a real couple, finally, after years of stupid f*cking drama. I moved back to Stockholm and we lived together. It was never good. He never wanted it to become real, everyday, ordinary. That was all I wanted. I never really got it. It was a couple of years wasted. Terrible f*cking years. He was mean, and manipulative, and he didn't love me. Not at all. I think he wanted to keep me around because it was comfortable, I cooked and cleaned and payed for most of our food and furniture and clothes for his kids, so that he could spend his own money on fun stuff.

I loved his kids so much. So much that when I knew I should have left long ago I couldn't. I couldn't leave them. I couldn't leave them with him.

Then he started isolating me from them, cutting me off from them. And there was no reason for me to stay at all anymore.

Surprisingly the kids' mother contacted me when we broke up. I had not been allowed to talk to her. (!) We became friends. And I could see the kids. I still love those kids so much. And I love their mom. But I don't really think about their dad anymore.

Me and the kids' mom started comparing things that he had told us and very soon realized that there was a huge discrepancy. He had been lying, about everything, all the time. Everything. I didn't actually know anything about him at all.

Breaking up from someone who has spent years breaking you down is a pretty big deal. At the same time I had a lot of stress at work - a LOT of stress. A recipe for success, if by success you mean burnout and a depression that had been building up since that one night, nine years ago. That depression is still present in my life but at least that dude is not! The kids and their mom are though. And I'm happy about that. When I told her that her ex husband had been cheating on her with me she just hugged me. I was crying a lot. I love her. And I love her kids. And now I'm living in a different county again, and I miss them, but I'm so happy they are in my life.

I wonder where my life would have taken me if that night never happened. Who I would have been.

Relieved

So yesterday my new boss (since like two days) called me and asked me to come in, even though I have a sinus inflammation or something.

I knew he was going to fire me, and he did! But it feels okay. The company are letting approximately 10% of the workforce go, so it wasn't a big surprise. They pay me WAY too much for not doing very much at all to justify keeping me there. And I was really tired of it! So two months with full payment plus another shitload of money feels like much more fun.

Got other news last night that didn't make me happy at all.

Listening to: Meshuggah

Night lost

Augh I'm so very tired. Went to bed too late and didn't go to sleep until even later. On the subway now, not so very late! I'm proud of myself!

Today I got my spring jacket from the closet and my winter one will hopefully take it's place rather soon.

I need coffee.

Ah at least it's Friday.

Listening to: Kyuss

deep breaths

My eyes are hurting and breathing is difficult cause my nose is stuffy and I'm so so tired... And I'm afraid and confused and I feel like a small peice of dirt sometimes.

But mostly I'm happy and I when I fall asleep at night I think about this one beautiful thing; he loves me.

Listening to: not Spotify as it is not functioning at work anymore. Oh my brain. It is also not very much functioning.

oh my

Uhm, what? Oh! Hi! I didn't forget you, I promise, I just had to much going on to stop and tell you about it.

So uhm yeah... I've been in Sweden for two and a half weeks now! And I love it. I love it so much. I miss English Market and Maria and Eva House and Hannah and... Vibes and Scribes and... Cork Coffee Roasters maybe... Not so much more though.

I don't have much to tell about the last couple of weeks though, even if I've been really busy. Been moving in to a new tiny apartment with a view over the whole world. Been hanging out with some cool people (of wich two are very short). Been working at my new job! I like it!

Been very happy. Wish I could tell you more.

Listening to: Gwen Stefani on Spotify

serious bizznizz

So! I feel that it's time to tell the world!

I have a new job, I'm moving to Sweden in 18 days. I have an apartment and my flight tickets and everything. I have said it before but this is the official post about it.

I have so much to be happy for right now. My life is really awesome.

And I keep on pressing 4.

a plea (and other stuff)

Oh I have been so active today! I was going to go to the gym but as I was trying to convince myself that I really should do the dishes I realized that however good it is to go to the gym, when you would rather do dishes... well, it's not that important. I don't want to take the joy out of it.

So I went home and did all the dishes, sorted the washing, cleaned up my room lots, finished a painting, started a new one that I've been thinking about for ages and listened to Neil Gaiman reading The Graveyard Book for a couple of hours and I love it. And I ate Peking Duck.

If, or when, I leave Ireland I will miss Eva House. I'll have to come back now and then to eat Peking Duck here.

So yeah that brings me to the other point: I am looking for jobs in Sweden and I'm hoping (um, obviously) to move home. At some point. If I can find a job and place to stay. In Ireland you can find a place to rent in an afternoon and move in the next day. I'll miss that too.

And I'll miss how the hairs on Joe's arms are almost invisible untill the sun shines on them and they light up like fiery copper. It's very pretty.

Anyway if any of you Swedish people who say that youre going to visit me actually do, that would be great, because you could do me a huge favour: (and this is the plea) come over and bring stuff back. I have so much stuff. I won't bring it all home but there's so much that I really don't want to leave. I've had a life here for soon two years. That means a lot of stuff. (Of course the same things work for people in Ireland, if you want to come and visit me in Sweden, but you guys are like... three. So yeah, not getting my hopes up there.)

I'll have to leave my very comfortable desk chair, Moses, that I bought in Belfast. I'll miss that. (I once had a cat named Moses, he was huge and black and he would look at you like you where insanely inferior to him. And a little annoying.)

Listening to: My Playlist on Spotify - Everything from The Aposte of Hustle to Howlin' Wolf, aw yeah.

news or something

So I'll be coming to Sweden in ten days - the eighteenth of june. With my boyfriend. (Getting used to the word a bit. Even more, feeling very happy about it. He is amazing. Enough cheesiness!)

Anyways there will be giveaways of stuff, as I have mentioned, and I want to see everyone and get drunk every night and go to the beach and have bbq's and whatnot, but it's mostly gonna be sorting stuff. So yeah, now I've said that.

Bought Pride and Prejudice and Zombies today and now I'm gonna read it.

Working nine to six this week and it's SWEET.

Listening to: Richard Cheese on Spotify.

still got so very far to go

I get so mad at myself when I'm late for work. I'm going to start waking up an hour earlier. Really. From now on. So yeah, that's five o'clock. In the morning.

But I'm not going to be late anymore.

I had a really bad day today, but then I took a walk with Hannah at lunch and talked a lot about everything that made me mad and now I feel a lot better. That's a great thing. That I can talk about stuff and then feel better about them. I'm happy about that.

So me and Tall&Handsome cancelled the Dingle-plans, we're going to the film festival instead. It seems great! Yay!

Been scribbling a lot, trying to come up with some kind of childrens book character. So far i think I could call that book "stranger danger" 'cause all of the characters I draw look bloody scary.

If I had a scanner I would scan them for the world to see. Yes indeed.

Back to work.

recovery

This past week could have been the worst of my life. Yes. Really. Everything has been awful. Working six to three and everything has f***ed up at work. There has been a constant qeue of calls all the time. New problems every day. On thursday I managed to stay awake and see Milk, which was a very very good film, but apart from that I've mostly been sleeping when I'm not working. Between friday and saturday around twelve hours. Saturday me and Maria went shopping a bit and then we went to Dan's b-day party at night. We didn't stay for long which felt a bit bad but we were both insanely tired. Today; painting.

Also I had a lot of strange dreams tonight. I dreamt of a talking monkey and a crow flying backwards in the sunrise. And lot's of other things. 

Listening to: Dråparen (A Maze of Death) by Philip K Dick on audio book.

spontaneous massive existence failure

"Your voice is much smaller now than it used to be"

Maybe I'm not really stronger. Or maybe I am, but I can't really feel it, since everything is so much heavier now than before. So even if I'm stronger everything is harder. Nothing feels... right.

Time moves so quickly and nothing happens at all but everything is changing and I feel so meaningless that I don't want to get out of bed in the morning and I feel so lonely that I don't want to go to bed in the evening.

On top of that I think I'm getting sick again. My throat hurts like hell.

So I don't know exactly why my voice is so much smaller than before. If it is because I'm tired, because of the almost-cold, because I had a pretty rough weekend, because I feel like shit, because I feel like the most meaningless creature in existence or just a lack of confidence.

Listening to: Preferably 16 Horsepower - Secret South, but also some Be Good Tanyas, Cowboy Junkies, Great Lake Swimmers and a bit Kings of Leon.

beautiful thoughts

As mentioned, once you get in to the more bacon-themed parts of the blogosphere, there is so very very much to read. I am bewildered.

Also thinking about making spinach and bacon soup for dinner. But Maria is sceptical.

Anyway due to economical... not greatness, I decided not to get the perm I dream of. I want big, fluffy curls. Or rather, bigger, fluffier curls. But priced around 70 - 100 euros it's out of my leauge, for now. Later maybe. So I'm going for the other alternative: becoming even blonder. And maybe throwing in some funny colours.

Other thing's I'll be prioritizing away is a new MP3-player with bluetooth, sewing machine, a new bra, food... Uhm... Failing with the positive attitude. Not in a great mood.

I got my vacation approved, but mentioned economical situation hinders me from booking tickets... Also I very very much want to meet my dad and sisters and brothers and dad's lady friend and more importantly the mother of Kajsa, my little walking sister, Ulrika, and since my dad doesn't answer my emails asking when he will be home I had to go ahead and book the bloody vacation anyways and now it looks like he's working for the whole time... Whoa, long sentence there. The point is; my family is very much my priority. And if it turns out I cant see them I'll be very sad.

My other family, on mom's side, seems to be more managable, which is great. Looking forward to meeting all my new-found relatives so much!

At the moment I'm looking forward to leaving work in eight minutes, and then going for fika with Sandra. She's leaving soon which really sucks. Seldom has so much greatness and funsies been able to fit in to such a very small person.

Well now. I'm tired enough to fall asleep right here but I'll try to keep awake untill I get home, at least.

want

Random surfing is dangerous. I want - no, need! - this hoodie. Or... I really do need a hoodie, and that one is just so... cool, and gorgeous!

Aw, and look! This one is a men's hoddie, but still... And this one is great as well. Or this. Or this. I could even imagine a white one. Or an outrageous one. Or how about a pricey, bamboo one?

Well.

Today I started taking calls. And now I'm going home.

in case of zombies

I might spend to much time planning for the coming* Zombie apocalypse. Today I came to the conclusion that our beloved home would be way to hard to protect. But I thought of someting: Tesco. It has all we would need to survive, and it would be protectable, as long as we could barricade off the entrance (all the way up to where free sushi-guy is standing, across from the candle shop). 

On the other hand, I think that spending to much time planning for the coming Zombie apocalypse is impossible. 

Three things are vital: weapons, some kind of hiding place (easily protected, food, shelter etc.) and knowledge of how the Zombies function. Primary sences, easiest ways of killing them, re-animationing functions, etc. Guns are hard to come by, and I don't know how to use them. I would go for an axe, or a shovel.

In case of vampires: go "Oh sparkly!" and have some sexual tension and you'll be fine... (Sure, sure, I'll admit. I am a huge Twilight fan. Read all four books in five days or so. And then bought them. Sure, sure.) (Go Team Jacob!)

In case of Supervillains: Call for Captain Hammer! 

Next saturday I'm having a party. A masquerade. I was really happy about it but lot's of people just go "Oh, c'mon, annoying, I hate maquerades, that sucks" so I'm kinda really doing my best to keep up the feeling of YAY... Pretty hard. So far only three people are leaving town though. 

If they don't want to, why cant they just shut the **** up about it and not come? Why are people so inconsiderate? 

Whatever, nevermind. I'm getting drunk in funny makeup. Even if I'm doing it on my own. (I'm not though, there are some people in this town who appreciate a party, even though they have to think a little...)

Pretty good day today, all in all. I moved, at work, for the last time, and now I am in my final seat. (Not in the dying way, I'm just not moving around anymore.) Worked one hour overtime. Ate chicken for dinner. 

Listening to: Shashkin (Hefner remix) - Omar Faruk Tekbilek (From the album Back to mine: The Voodoo Sessions)

*Indeed.

not sleepy enough

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of next week, and I will be starting work an hour earlier, which is pretty good since I get off work an hour early as well... Just hope I can sleep, and wake up in time.

Tonight I was dreaming a lot, just as stressful as usual. The only thing I remember is buildings, and that I could fly. 

The weekend has been short but nice, A few beers at Shel on friday, Maria's birthday on saturday, with a nice lunch at Luigi Malones and a nice dinner at Casanovas (filled the quota of eating out for this month in one day). Today me and Ida had chinese and watched Disney movies, Alice in Wonderland being the strangest movie ever, probably... No real storyline, totally psychedelic, strange, nightmarish and quite scary. Very strange. If I ever would get the idea to do acid, I would watch that movie. Or... I wouldn't have to do acid if I watched it. Seriously. Extremely well made, though, great artwork, superb animation. Lot's of beautiful detalis. But yeah. Psychedelic.

Now it's past my bedtime, as usual. I wonder why I always get the urge to start writing when I should go to bed?

Listening to: Cocteau Twins - Five Ten Fiftyfold

rich

I got everything really. I can't think of anything better than spending the evening with a couple of good friends (Johan and Olof), watching a very very good movie (Romero's Diary of the Dead), eating my favourite food (peking duck from Eva House of course) and my favourite ice cream (B&J's Caramel Chew Chew). 

Spending a couple of hours listening to music and talking shit about nothing at all is also great stuff. 

And oh! I made someone happy today! Maybe the best thing ever. "Best christmas present in 27 years" could be the best review I've ever got. 

My first day working "for real" (not that I had a clue what I was doing or anything) went rather well. Everyone was very helpful and nice. 

Also I've decided what I'm going to do with all my stuff in Sweden. Since it doesn't look like I'm going back I'll get rid of most of it. Give it away probably, maybe sell some, throw some away. So; if you're in Lund this spring, and you want free stuff (and trust me, I've got some nice stuff) just let me know. If you want to buy stuff that's okay too. 

Less than one week to Maria's birthday now. 21 - internationally all grown up. I've got five days to find a perfect perfect gift, since that's what she always get's me. 

Shit.

Well. Going to get myself a couple of gifts too. T-Shirt Hell is closing down.

Just wish the nightmares would give me a break. Seriously. So much death and pain and stuff going wrong and everything is absurd. Things breaking. 

Listening to: Party Ben bootleg mashups. Like Drop It Like It's A Whole Lotta Love.

illest

Yesterday I took my first calls at my new desk! And today my old desk was moved. All my frieds are now sitting over with the Spanish people. Which is just weird. Weird that I'm not moving with them. We're shattered. People aren't very happy about it.

In other news I have a mean flu. Drinking lot's of lemsip but still really sleepy and my throat is really sore and my head is hurting a lot.

Last night me, Sandra and Rob watched "Lost Boys", 'cause Sandra needed to see a vampire flick that wasn't scary. It went quite well. She only jumped a couple of times.

Today my order of t-shirts from Threadless arrived!!! Six of them! And four for mom. Joy!

Listening to: The aircon. And sometimes calls.

home

...is where the heart is.

I've spent eight hours a day, every weekday, in the same place for a little more than a year now. I could imagine moving, although I really don't want to, but I cannot imagine quitting here. Seriously. I'm moving to another department - sooner than expected, even - but in reality it's not many metres away. Five, maybe. The same room, the same co-workers, a different job.

But as I leave my old department, it will shut down.

It feels nothing less than strange. It has been my base since I came here. It's a releif to understand why things have been the way they have lately, but... I really don't want the people that I have been working with untill now to leave. Many will be transferring to other accounts I'm sure. All of them I hope. With all my heart.

Change is life. That does noot mean that it always feels good.

stand tall

So I reach my limit and I break down and I'm lost in darkness and I loose all hope and I fight through it and go insane and start laughing at the pain and shake it off and go back to normal.

Normal in ths situation being shutting up about how I feel until I reach my limit and it repeats.

I can't really talk about it. I am surrounded by people who care about me and who I care about but I don't tell them anything and I feel kinda bad shutting them out but I don't have a choice.

But I'm cool. I hold it together. I have a stable ground of happiness to build myself on.

It's strange, to be happy and still hurt so much.

And I'm sorry but it does really hurt. Of course it hurts. I can't think of anything but you.

Today work was kinda slow. I got a really nice email saying that my support was great and stuff. I was a bit insane and funny and it's really easy to be happy in my workplace. It's so nice to have Ida and Hannah back. And me and Maria ate taco fries for dinner, and gingerbread (peppercookie!) dough for dessert while watching Buffy and Angel. I'm almost done knitting a baby hat for Carolines baby again since the first one I did was to small. After that I'm going to finish three christmas presents, and then I'll have to take it easy with the knitting for a while if I want to finish all the christmas cards and stuff...

And I'm dreaming about going to America, or getting lazer eye surgery. But I get my new glasses on friday and they are so gorgeous that I might want to keep my bad eye sight. So I'll probably just keep paying debts untill they're payed.

Tomorrow I'm making gingerbread dough, not the kind I ate today, which is prefab, but the real real kind, that's tricky to make without a machine. But I'll give it my best. And hopefully I'll make it. And maybe have a beer with Ida later. On friday, exept for getting my glasses, we have a team dinner, which will probably be awesome, as they tend to be.

There. Back to normal.

Listening to: Tracy Chapman - Collection

overload

There has really been to much going on in my head this week. It's impossible to write when I'm thinking this much. It's been a lot of drama and mixed emotions and shit, honestly. On so many levels.

I feel that I can safely share that this weekend is christmas cleaning weekend. And that I had a sight test today. And that I payed a debt.

When I catch up with reality I'll write about all the stuff that's going on, which is mostly work stuff.

And also... just so much. Nowhere to start.

Exausted I sleep instead