One year

A couple of days ago me and my lovely darling had our one year anniversary, we celebrated by being ill! Yay! Now it's the weekend and we're still both pretty crappy. But we love each other and take care of each other and cuddle extra much, as usual.

Being physically weak always makes me super sensitive and moody, and I end up thinking too much about small trivial things from my past. I think my shrink would have told me to be okay with thinking about difficult stuff but I really don't want to! So I end up listening to audio books, watching movies and TV shows and playing tons of games (especially the super cute Seabeard!) to drown out my thoughts.

While listening to books (the Joona Linna-books by Kepler and Mists of Avalon By Marion Zimmer Bradley) I've been knitting on a brioche scarf and matching mittens for a friend (who asked AGES ago), spinning yarn (as always) and drawing a LOT! And trying (again) to learn some Photoshop! Very rewarding and fun. Definitely balances up my sadness and moodiness a bit.

In a couple of weeks it's time for me to finally fix my tooth, an anesthesiologist has been booked and I will be in a drug-induced sleep during the procedure. It's super expensive so all of march will be in super-saving-mode. No excesses. But in a couple of months we're going to Stockholm! I'm so incredibly exited, it's not completely final yet but we're pretty sure we can make it. That means I might get to see my friend's play about Ayn Rand AND the Vivian Maier exhibition! And of course hug some of my favourite people on the planet! Yay!

Trippin and coughin

So I did bake that thing, I wasn't very pleased with it unfortunately.

I went to Sweden to get the last of my stuff, and I'm happy to have it all in one place even though the stress from traveling and moving killed my immune system and I was sick for about a week after.

By now the complete chaos is subsiding. There's still a few boxes standing around and some things that don't really have a home yet but most stuff is sorted.

My curling iron wasn't there, and a few other things that I thought I'd get back, but there was a lot of stuff that I'd missed and that I'm really happy to be reunited with! And a lot of stuff that I'm giving to welfare.

I've started knitting christmas gifts! And today I went to the doctor for the first time since I moved over. I hope to be able to get a therapist here but it might be tricky and take time. I feel worried and sad about that. Even though we're surrounded by large cities here - Gothenburg is right to the East, North of here is Oslo, and Denmark is small so Copenhagen is just a 40 minute flight away - it feels like we're close to stuff! But we're in North Jylland (jutland?) and there's not much of anything here. (Except students and bars.) Doctors and psychologists are thin on the ground, unfortunately. We're pretty much in the countryside.

---EDIT---

Uhmmmm my curling iron was one of the first things I did unpack. Depression forgetfulness is SO MUCH FUN.

ARGH

I have the worst cold. I hate summer colds. I guess I've had too much stress lately, as soon as there's a couple of weeks down time my body just breaks down completely. I'm coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose and feeling sorry for myself. Had a lot of fever but at least that's ended now.

So I'm watching gravity falls and playing a lot of sims 4. Current sims things: basement pools. New update had dishwashers but a bug makes them impossible to put in houses. (Maybe just me doing something wrong. Should probably look into that.)

Current music: Poliça.

Current things I wish was over: all the moving! And my cold.

Moving is going okay I guess but I hate being in transit, waiting for everyday life to start making sense. Soon. Soon-ish.

Summertime cold

Right before I turn 30 is NOT the moment when I want the flu. Thanks but no thanks. I'm sneezing. My eyes are tearing up. And of course I'm super restless and can't sleep.

Ugh!

sick and self doubting on the isle of man

My BFF Maria invited me to her tiny kingdom/magical fairyland/island/home for a visit and the first thing I do is get a fever. I came here on friday and it's monday now and I feel so shitty for being sick. I know it's stupid but my feelings are stupid sometimes.

I'm wrestling a huge monstrosity of self doubt. I feel like I wouldn't have an original idea if my life was on the line. I'm a hack. I have no education and no goals and nothing. I fail at everything and I have these vain dreams that mean nothing at all. I'm never going to be anything.

Hopelessness wraps itself around me like a wet, cold woolen blanket. Why do I think I can be something? Why do I fool myself?

Ugh.

In other news I have two boyfriends now. Double loved but still self loathing. So stupid.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

What happened? I am crawling out of my own skin. I am drowning, exploding. I am out of balance, spinning too quickly, wavering. I can’t focus. White noise fills my head.

I am not inside my body. I am not in contact with my head. I am a storm of inspiration and angst and I need to get it out of me, it crawls out of my fingers, my eyes, it makes me shudder, it makes me nauseous.

I feel like I am trapped inside myself without being able to control myself. I am watching the world through my own eyes. I am writhing in pain inside myself, I am watching myself writhe in pain, I feel non-human.

I want to go home.

deep breaths

My eyes are hurting and breathing is difficult cause my nose is stuffy and I'm so so tired... And I'm afraid and confused and I feel like a small peice of dirt sometimes.

But mostly I'm happy and I when I fall asleep at night I think about this one beautiful thing; he loves me.

Listening to: not Spotify as it is not functioning at work anymore. Oh my brain. It is also not very much functioning.

piglet

So I have the Swine Flu (please give me this) but I'm still... the happiest person in the world. Can't leave the house untill tuesday. And I'm already tired of being here. Although I am still sick. But still, SO HAPPY.

In other news; Soupy Norman!

Listening to: love songs (and other songs) on my playlist.

what I know and what I believe

I had a kinda shitty day today, in ways. I look a bit like Hulk Hogan from a kinda maybe not supergreat dye last night (redoing it in a couple of days though) and woke up when I was supposed to leave with a mad throatache. Everything went wrong all morning.

But work was extremely slow so I survived. Went to buy some food after and went home to cook it. Unfortunately I kinda failed the cooking! Me! The food wizard! Yes. Too bad. Shit happens. Joe smiled and said "It tasted great darling" and I don't believe him for a second but I do appreciate it and I like it so when he calls me darling.

At the same time this double feeling. Right underneath the happiness, worry, anger, sadness. Feels shitty.But I'll get over it, because I don't want this weight. I don't want that again. But the memory is clear as daylight, the memory of the pain. The anger is close. 

But I won't get angry. I'm unforgiving this once but I don't want to fall back into that darkness. Let you forget... Sure. Whatever. I'll forget.

Maybe I should forgive? For my own sanity's sake? Or maybe I should just try to not think about it? Because the more I do the angrier I become. Don't want that, don't need that, not now, not ever.

So how about I do the dishes now?

Listening to: Lykke Li - I'm Good, I'm Gone (spotify)

better, better, better

First: bacon is amazing. 

I worked today and it was alright. Fell asleep the moment i came home. Woke up after a couple of hours, vacuumed, made some not great food. Spent a couple of hours chillin, talking to mom, talking to Sandra, talking to Tall&Handsome over the phone about our trip this weekend, booking bnb, deleting stuff from my mp3-player, watched youtube-videos, read stuff, ate the not so great food, blah blah. I'm in a generally good mood. I won over the flu, I survived work, I'm going away with Tall&Handsome this weekend. Good stuff.

He got double points yesterday for dropping by and watching a movie with me. Men of the world: you think your flu's are horrible, but so are ours! We might not need taking care of (I don't anyways... Not from any guy. Maria takes care of me.) but company and hugs are allways appreciated.

Well, we're going to Dingle, or to a short film festival, if we can get tickets. Seems like the weather will be a bit crappy so it might be a good idea.

Damn... Now it's almost ten o'clock. To late to wash the floors. I'll have to do it tomorrow. Damn.

Listening to: Laleh. Like four or five tracks on repeat. *love*

in bed

Left work after sneezing so much I couldn't concentrate on the calls anymore... Also feeling a bit feverish and dizzy. And yeah, generally cold. 

Just saw the season finale of Dollhouse and man do I wish they'll make a second season! Yesterday I saw Star Trek with Tall&Handsome and it was great! Totally loved it! Spent the evening with Ida watching Good Will Hunting... And today I am, as mentioned, home, in bed, with lemsip.

Should try to make myself some lunch.

Listening to: Beck - Everybody's gotta learn sometimes

whoa

Like... So much good stuff all at once. 

So still in bed, watching movies and eating raisins and playing Heroes of Might and Magic and feeling a bit sorry for myself. But resting is good for me. Physically as well as mentally. And even though last night sonded like enormous amounts of fun and something that I really would have wanted to experience (three people's last day-beer-thingy) I think that taking it easy is very good for me, in so many ways. Economic as well as the before mentioned.

Crossroads was completely wonderful, and Punch-Drunk love was as far from "an Adam Sandler-movie" you can possibly come while still having Adam Sandler in the movie... Sweet and romantic and touching and not at all the usual idiotic crap he usually acts in. I can't stand that stuff, really, but Punch-Drunk Love is something else. Watch it. Do it now. You will not regret it. Watch it! I'm serious! It has wonderful Emily Watson in it as well.

Time for pills! And probably some painting! And then the third episode of Dollhouse!

Listening to: Deep Forest (complete discography on shuffle)

home again

Home... Which in this case means "home from work" and also "not down at the pub". Tonsilitis and an ear infection made that happen.

Another angle: I feel more like a stranger than ever at the moment.

So I realized something, anyways. I got basically everything I need. There is a bunch of stuff i want but nothing I can't do without. So that feels kinda good. New attidude. 

This week has been mainly pain, art and anime. And Ghormenghast. Painting for the first time in years and man I like acrylics better than oil! Mostly staying in bed though. Ear infection equals dizzyness equals nausea. Sucks.

Found a new webcomic that I like; The Zombie Hunters. Also been listening a lot to Jan Garbarek and Deep Forest, great stuff to paint to. 

Wish canvas was cheaper. 

Watching: Crossroads, from '86 (not the one with Britney, the one with the blues! It's great!)

spontaneous massive existence failure

"Your voice is much smaller now than it used to be"

Maybe I'm not really stronger. Or maybe I am, but I can't really feel it, since everything is so much heavier now than before. So even if I'm stronger everything is harder. Nothing feels... right.

Time moves so quickly and nothing happens at all but everything is changing and I feel so meaningless that I don't want to get out of bed in the morning and I feel so lonely that I don't want to go to bed in the evening.

On top of that I think I'm getting sick again. My throat hurts like hell.

So I don't know exactly why my voice is so much smaller than before. If it is because I'm tired, because of the almost-cold, because I had a pretty rough weekend, because I feel like shit, because I feel like the most meaningless creature in existence or just a lack of confidence.

Listening to: Preferably 16 Horsepower - Secret South, but also some Be Good Tanyas, Cowboy Junkies, Great Lake Swimmers and a bit Kings of Leon.

illest

Yesterday I took my first calls at my new desk! And today my old desk was moved. All my frieds are now sitting over with the Spanish people. Which is just weird. Weird that I'm not moving with them. We're shattered. People aren't very happy about it.

In other news I have a mean flu. Drinking lot's of lemsip but still really sleepy and my throat is really sore and my head is hurting a lot.

Last night me, Sandra and Rob watched "Lost Boys", 'cause Sandra needed to see a vampire flick that wasn't scary. It went quite well. She only jumped a couple of times.

Today my order of t-shirts from Threadless arrived!!! Six of them! And four for mom. Joy!

Listening to: The aircon. And sometimes calls.

getting somewhere

We took the bus to Mahon Point today, and spent all day at the mall. I was all like "wtb [bra] give gold plz?" and Maria was like "ok np" and I was like "kthx!" So now I have a sports bra and I will start working out. This has actually been impossible until now. Feels great.

I am going to get myself in better shape and that thought makes me happy. Maria seriously doubts that I will be able to both work out and play World Of Warcraft, but I think I'll manage. And knit. No problem.

Yes. I have set up a WOW-account.

Tonight we're making meat burger thingies with wedges and bearnaise (made from powder, the Swedish way!) (yes, Swedish powder) and watching Star Wars. This has been planned for ages. Because I have actually not seen Star Wars before. Go ahead, laugh. It's true. But soon! Soon all you have to laugh at is the fact that I did'nt see them until I was 24.

I feel better today. Both mentally and physically. Still a bit tired and half-flu-ish, but it's ok. And I have been thinking a lot, and talking a lot with Maria and Olof about the future. Our plans and our house and everything. So I'm staying in Cork, but I allready knew that. I just... decided to, more officially. Decicions can be so hard to do. And they can go wrong. But a thought hit me today.

It is only human. Making mistakes and bad decicions is a part of life. I can forgive myself, eventually, whatever happens. I'm sure of that.

day two almost over

Working tomorrow. Definitely. As great as it's been watching the entire first season of Big Bang Theory in one day and knitting a hat I cannot sit still another day.

Okay, I sit still at work too. But I walk there in the morning.

My first hat is done! I am very proud.

Also I'm downloading Melrose Place.

home

Not at work today. Feeling dizzy even though I'm lying down. Everything hurts. I'd rather break a leg than have the flu. I intensely hate being sick.

The dreams that I dream feel real.

I hear your voice

Well then! A last post before I fall asleep. Today I:

• Worked
• felt shitty
• got my big big bag in the post. THANKS MARTIN!
• bought boots. THANKS MOM! I love them. Haven't wore them yet but I'm sure I'll keep loving them once I do.
• made the worst food ever. Me and Olof made wok. It was like disgusting porridge. With vegetables in it. I felt sick.
• ate icecream
• knitted a bit
• talked on skype for ages
• payed the rent
• payed my phonebill

Great stuff! Tomorrow we're having pancakes with Hannah after work. If I'm well enough to go to work, that is. But seriously, I can't abandon my workmates at a time like this. This is the most chaotic and stressfull work has been in quite some time. Or... It feels that way at least. Maybe because I feel so shitty. I don't know.

For quite some time now, since week 20 or 21 (now is week 41) I've had a project called "Fish of the Week". I think it's time for something new pretty soon. Fish are fun and interesting but you can get tired of even them. So we'll see...

Ginger! Thank you too. You mean so much to me. In so many ways.

ill

Yeah the nice nightly walk to Blackpool made me ill. I have a cough and I feel a fever coming on. I hate being ill. I hate it.

Arrr!