Miracles

Today a stressful thing happened and I was hungry and I handled it. I was completely in chock. I would normally start shaking really bad, panic, cry, get angry, need to just put everything down and go sit down in another room and generally not handle it well at all. Today I swore loudly and then carried on with what I was doing, not realising until after a little while that I managed to handle the situation. The thing that happened was that the chord for the immersion blender slid onto the stove top because the kitchen counter was too cluttered, and it melted a tiny bit.

Anything to do with things breaking usually garners some hysterical tears at least. But I just finished making lunch like a boss! Even though it had already been a pretty long day with some major bad news concerning a close friend, and I had low blood sugar.

I feel so proud.

The last few days have been really good in general, and usually a few good days means that I get emotionally unstable and have a few bad days since I used up all my happy. This will probably still happen, but I'm impressed that it hasn't happened yet.

We did a pretty big cleanup on Sunday. On Monday I went to the dentist and got my temporary filling swapped for a permanent one and on Monday evening an old friend came to visit, and she stayed until this morning. Last night C's workmate came over and I made a large dinner for the four of us before we went to the board game night, and after that me and my friend went for a glass of wine (beer in her case) before returning home. So several quite intense days without running out of spoons!

Today in the evening I've felt like life is a little bit difficult but I did manage to make a really nice dinner (sweet potato/coconut/lime/ginger soup with roasted chickpeas)! So I still feel proud of myself. Everything counts. Every small bit of progress is worth being happy about.

Now I'm planning on a few days of proactive rest before C's family comes to visit and soon after that we go to Sweden for a wedding! So much stuff happening!

Whoa, it's almost three in the morning. Time for bed.

Thanks for reading  <3

All this pain

How can it all fit inside me while I'm feeling so small?

I've been crying so much today. Maybe yesterday? Saturday or Sunday? I don't remember. The last few days are a blur. I'm so stressed out, about stuff beyond my control. I can't relax. I sleep too much and I have rage outbursts and panic attacks and uncontrollable crying. My appetite is messed up. My body hurts, like I've been running for hours.

My mind is like a blender. My head feels like it's breaking. Cracking.

The stress makes me testy, annoyed, angry. The anger has a domino effect, it's explosive. I get so angry just because I'm angry. I have no reason for it and I get so angry at myself! And it just grows, way out of proportion, way beyond my control. I slam doors and scream. And I hate myself for it.

Inside me there is constant chaos. No rest. No respite. Constant fighting, running, reaching for the surface, for light, for air. No possibility to relax and catch my breath. Not once.

But last night I fell asleep with a smile, even though I woke up in a panic a couple of hours later. Running in my nightmares, never safe, never a moment of rest. I fell asleep again and returned to the nightmare, to the panic. When I woke up again I woke Chris up and made him talk to me. He talked about skateboarding.

I hope that I can get a shrink appointment soon.

Me forever

I'll always be me. I'll never get to be anyone else. I'll never get rid of my past. The things that have happened to me will always have happened. The person that I am will always keep being me. I'll never get rid of myself. I'll never be free from my memories. From the insane pain of all those betrayals.

I don't know how to move on, let go. I don't know how to handle my feelings. I don't know how to process my memories. I don't know how to live, how to find myself or get back out into the light.

People keep telling me that I'll get better but I have no idea how. It doesn't just pass by itself. It doesn't just get better. The memories don't go away.

I want to accept that but I don't know how to do that either. I'm stuck between hate and pain and I have no idea what to do about it.

I think that I'll be sad, angry, in pain for the rest of my life. I'm not okay with that. Maybe I should be? Maybe I should accept that this is what I am now? A broken down mess, a few jagged pieces of my former self. Maybe I should try to fight it? Put myself back together? Or build a new me? I don't know. I don't know what is right or wrong. Good or bad.

All I know is that I'm tired of all of it.

ARGH

I have the worst cold. I hate summer colds. I guess I've had too much stress lately, as soon as there's a couple of weeks down time my body just breaks down completely. I'm coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose and feeling sorry for myself. Had a lot of fever but at least that's ended now.

So I'm watching gravity falls and playing a lot of sims 4. Current sims things: basement pools. New update had dishwashers but a bug makes them impossible to put in houses. (Maybe just me doing something wrong. Should probably look into that.)

Current music: Poliça.

Current things I wish was over: all the moving! And my cold.

Moving is going okay I guess but I hate being in transit, waiting for everyday life to start making sense. Soon. Soon-ish.

?

I don't know. I write about how I feel, I vent. I want to do that now but I don't even know what I feel. I feel empty and tired. I miss my darling. I feel both okay and kinda down. Slightly restless but extremely tired. Very confused and very... what's the word, like I can't really see a good reason to do anything. I don't want to do anything.

The feeling that I feel most strongly is the one of "MEH" or possibly "nah".

Mingled with a kind of dull panic in the background?

I can't figure this out. I don't even know if it's positive or negative, but that's more and more common nowadays. Before I did so much destructive stuff, it was easy to tell that the stuff that I did was in fact destructive. Now I'm always second guessing. Do I want to stay in bed because I just want to escape from the world? Or do I need to rest? Have I been exhausting myself with meaningless thought traps or have I been trying to accept my emotions? Did I do the dishes? What should I eat? What time is it? Did I have something important to do today? Do I need to save my energy for later or should I try to stay active?

And always the anger and guilt. I should be happy. I wish I had some money. I wish I could get a job instead of being such a huge fucking failure.

I know that that's destructive thinking but I really want to be happy and normal again and not just be such a fucking nutcase! I want to have a job and an income so that I can buy things! Like shoes! All my shoes are broken! Aaaaaaah!

I'm going to bed. I have been really sleepy but now of course I feel so awake. Whatever. I'll just beat myself up over not painting for ages even though I want to (because I don't deserve it! So stupid) until I fall asleep as a way to escape from myself. This is common.

Much too much

It feels like I'm losing control, like the world is spinning too fast and existence is an illusion.

I don't know what I need or what I should do, don't know what's right or wrong, don't know anything at all except that it feels bad to go to bed alone after a few nights with him.

So much things spinning around in my head right now. Too much. Chaos fills me.

He left just a few hours ago and we skyped for two after he came home. And I still miss him so much. When we're together I get stressed out from feeling like I have to make every second count. I can't relax. When we're apart I just want to be with him. I feel stupid, like a stupid kid. He's just the most wonderful person, I can't even explain how good he is. He's so much better than me. He's so kind and loving and caring and I'm mostly a nervous wreck. I'm demanding and grumpy and rude and in general just a bitch. (To everyone! And if I'm not then I'm probably really tense. I don't have the energy to be nice.)

I don't deserve him and I know it's a cliché and I know I'm being stupid but he's so much better than me. He has the most beautiful personality. He's so funny and cuddly and warm.

I want to be close to him all the time. I'm scared that I'm being too ... obsessed.

Shrink tomorrow. And so much stuff happening the next few days that my stomach hurts just thinking about it.

I probably need to be alone for a couple of days. But I won't. To much to do. I hate everything a little.

Priorities

I've had a couple of intense days - weeks even - I can feel it affecting me. I feel empty. I have no will. Really, I want nothing. I get hungry and I go to the kitchen and stare into the frigde feeling completely uninterested in making something, putting it in my mouth, chewing, swallowing. I do it anyway.

I can't link thoughts together properly in my head. I get more forgetful.

I know that I need to take care of myself now. Take it easy today. But I feel bad about it. What gives me the right to put my own interests ahead of others? Why should I not try to be there for the people I care about? The are people who have it worse than me.

But thinking like that doesn't help me. It'll just make me more tired.

I try to do what others want me to do instead of what I want to do myself because I think that what I want is wrong. So what others tell me must be right. There's zero logic in that.

But saying no is really hard. I feel like shit. When someone wants to see me I should be thankful and do whatever is asked of me. I should feel honored. I do. I feel chosen when someone says they want to hang out with me. I feel like I should want it. If I don't want it I feel spoiled, arrogant. Who am I to say what's fun and not? Who am I to prefer the company of one person above another?

On Tuesday I went to the shrink. On Wednesday I went with a friend to a doctors appointment. Today I need to go to the library - and I also want to.

But I have a friend who wants to see me. I want to see her too but she lives about a 30 minute train ride away. I can't afford it but I can borrow her husband's train card while he's at work. Then I need to return before he quits to give it back. I love this friend and I love hanging out with her but the thought of going through this process has the following effects:
A dull pain in my neck and the back of my head
Slight loss of sight in the corners of my field of vision
A feeling like static buzzing in the background of my thoughts

And this should be enough to not feel bad about saying no.

(It's not. I feel horrible. I'm a bad friend and a bad person and and arrogant fuck and I should be ashamed for being so selfish.)

Constantly since I saw my shrink on Tuesday I've had the thought of making a failed suicide attempt to prove that I'm depressed. Because they don't seem to think that I am, since I never tried to kill myself. (Deciding to kill myself, preparing for it, that doesn't count. Only trying counts. Without trying, how can you be depressed? You can't.) If I tried to kill myself I would succeed. I've done a lot of research, I know the classic mistakes, I know the stats, I know what works and what doesn't.

I hate the whole "failed suicide attempts are a call for help but an actual call for help isn't" thing. Failed suicide attempts seem to be some kind of ritual, a passage into being taken seriously. I thought that committing myself and spending five weeks in a mental ward would do the trick but that was a year ago and my doctor seems to think that I'm cured by four years of being ignored. I'm not depressed anymore.

I'm worried that they would make me start taking meds again. I don't want more pills. I want help.

It's no use. I will never get any real help. The cbt is what I get. Four years of fighting, constantly, for my life and I get something else than what I need. I don't think they would get a cancer patient heart meds, or an amputee glasses, but depressed people should just shut up and take what's given. They should be thankful. For getting anything at all.

I think they want us to kill ourselves. We cost less dead. We take up less precious time.

I hate the health care system and I hate my depression and I hate this society with no space for the weak. I'm trying so hard to fight the destructive side of my illness and no one even sees it, no one says "wow that's pretty awesome, now sit down and relax for a few minutes" - instead they think that since I can still fight there must not be enough of a burden on me.

Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm just lazy and not depressed at all. Maybe I'm imagining everything.

24 hours

I've really tried not to count the hours but now it's so close! I'm so scared to hope too much and be disappointed. To disappoint. But sometimes it seems like hope is impossible to silence.

Howwww

How can I feel so shitty one second and then a few moments later feel like a teenager?

I think it could be related. The excitement causes adrenaline. The adrenaline makes me feel sick. I feel nauseated, dizzy, my stomach hurts. There's fear, fear that he'll realize that I'm just a weirdo, that I'm not pretty or fun or anything good. 

I know those thoughts are wrong. I know I'm smart and funny and stuff. I know I'm worth ... what he gives me.

The fear that I'll mess up.

The physical stuff is worse. The nausea, the shivers, that I can't kill with logic. The physical reaction to the adrenaline.

I guess I can try to do something about it. Something else than just thoughts, breathing exercises or something, like J used to help me do when I had panic attacks all the time when I still lived in Stockholm.

I do feel like a teenager tho. Like soda bubbles fill my body.

mush

The last few posts has been written while falling asleep, so if they're incomprehensible that is the reason.

Now I am smartphone-less so now I'm writing on my laptop, still awake. But posting before bedtime is my thing now obviously so I felt like doing it today too.

I have silly, giggly, mushy feelings. They took me by surprise, snuck by my defenses, where suddenly just there. I didn't invite them and I felt pissed off and betrayed by my own feelings, but then I thought about it really hard for a few hours and decided that they weren't projections, not based on sexual frustration, not even imagined. They make me smile and it feels like ice running down my back from blinding fear. It's a confusing state of mind. But even if it never becomes anything real, if it dies before it's really come to life, it might be worth it.

I'm bloody terrified. I've had mushy feelings before and it always ends badly. I know it. If it ends tomorrow I'll be sad, and every day that passes will make that potential sadness stronger.

But he has this smile like you wouldn't believe. Stupid, stupid feelings. Drowning out my perfectly logical fear.

I really need to know what I'm missing before I decide to miss it I guess. I need to know if this is something. Maybe it is. Maybe it is something really good.

IN OTHER NEWS:

• I got a library card today. Yay me!
• I borrowed like five books. Sylvia Plath! Margaret Cavendish! Woo!
• The librarian actually purchased books that I wanted to read from the internet like it wasn't no thing.
• I watched Bee and Puppycat!
• I watched a couple of episodes of Utopia!
• I .. uhm... I thought this list was going to be longer. It felt like I did a lot of stuff today. I did do a lot of thinking inside my head so I guess that's a thing.
• Thoughts! Feelings! Wow!

Now it is supah late and stuff.

Heehee.

good news everyone

It's ten thirty and I'm feeling tired.

Feeling tired is pretty unusual for me and feeling tired before midnight... I can't remember the last time that happened. I can't explain how good it feels to quit my meds. I'm not saying anyone else should but being medicated has not really been helpful for me lately. Since three years or so I've been super depressed and super medicated. I have no idea how this will play out, but this completely unexpected tiredness is nice. I also don't feel scared of going to bed, which I usually do. (Because of the anxiety you know? Lying in bed, in the dark, trying to turn off the chaos inside, trying to ignore the black sticky tentacles around my neck, trying not to think, not to feel...)

I'm pretty sure it should be the other way around, placebo or not. I wonder if Iv'e been nocebo-ing the negative effects of the medication, just as I might now be placebo-ing the positive effects of not being medicated? I still feel a little bit of abstinence dizziness and stuff from the old meds, the new ones probably didn't have time to start working properly. But I've taken so many different pills and I really need to know how I work without them. My life has changed dramatically many times since I started taking them... (checks back in the blog archive) since march 2011 I think? Or was it later? April?

That's not three years. That's four. I might have been saying "three years" without actually counting for almost a year. Huh.

Gods it's depressing to check my blog archive. I was so hopeful. Everything was dark and horrible but I honestly believed that it was passing, waiting for it to pass, believing that every day that was not horrible was the start of getting better. Every time.

I still do. I wonder if this insane, unfounded optimism is the core of my problem?

Det blir inte bättre. Varför blir det inte bättre? Varför mår jag sämre och sämre? Det skulle ju bli bättre? Alla lovade att det skulle bli bättre?

"It doesn't get better. Why isn't it getting better? Why am I feeling worse and worse? It was supposed to get better? Everyone promised that it would get better?" - june 2011

Okay. I started taking anti anxiety meds in july 2011. After months of waiting to even see a doctor. I didn't get any regular contact with any doctor, I didn't get any therapy, I didn't get SHIT until... Today? Maybe? I had my second meeting with my new shrink today and the first one doesn't count so yeah, I crashed in march 2011, got medicated after four months of pure fucking horror and since then there's been a whole lot of pure fucking horror.

I've always been sensitive. I pressed myself beyond my limits back then. I tried to be a good girlfriend and boss and those things are probably - maybe - possible to be but it's hard to be a good girlfriend to someone who hates you and a good boss when your own bosses expect you to do impossible things just because they can't be assed to handle the sales department... It's a long story, feel free to go back in the blog archives to around june 2008, or actually even further, to august 2007. That's when a very strange night ended in broken bones. There was two nights, almost a year apart, that still affect my life. I used to joke about tequila shaping my life but I don't really do that anymore...

If it hadn't been for that broken collar bone, if it hadn't been for not being able to work, if it hadn't been for what I did instead and who I met, if it hadn't been for the job I got and the person who inspired me to leave Sweden, if it hadn't been for Ireland, if it hadn't been for that party at my house in Cork, if it hadn't been for that t-shirt, if it hadn't been for that night and all the insane stuff it lead to later, if it hadn't been for those stolen moments in the elevator at work and all the lies, if it hadn't been for that empty year, if it hadn't been for that unexpected email, if it hadn't been for my hopeless optimism and trusting nature, if it hadn't been for the economic collapse and what it meant to me professionally, if it hadn't been for so many small, separately meaningless details coming together and making my bad decisions seem so right... If it hadn't been for everything going to hell at once! And then just never getting better. Then... I don't know. If one of those things had been a little bit different. Then maybe my life would be too. If he had left the party early. If I had remembered my bike. If...

Iv'e been down this road so many times. Too many times.

Now it's an hour since I started writing this and I'm even more tired. I don't feel bitter. Everything that happened happened. No reason, no fate. It just happened. And now I'm here, back where I started, broke in the south of Sweden. But older and in a really nice apartment where I get to paint a landscape on my wall.

With a lot of important people still in my life. And a lot of new important people also in my life. And I have no idea how I feel or who I am anymore.

Whatever. I'm pretty sure no one has the time or energy to read all of my insanely long rants from the last few weeks and this is definitely one of them. So I'm writing for myself now. I must be going through stuff or whatever. Ugh. Who cares.

I think it's time for bed.

Can't sleep

My meds make me really... strange. It's hard to know if they turn me off or make ne feel better. At the moment I don't really feel anything.

I'm tired and I can't sleep.
I'm happy that sweden made it to the final of the eurovision.
I miss my camera.
I'm thinking that maybe I'll get a piercing or two. Before summer comes along for real.

But mostly I don't really feel anything.

Is it good or bad? Is it just the absence of pain or is it actually the absence of feelings? Did I do the right thing when I broke up with both of my boyfriends?

I think so. Maybe I'm getting better. Maybe that is what this is. I don't know.

I should try to sleep.

tasty chaos

When my life seems to just spin out of control again I make dinner for my friends. I stand in the kitchen and for a little while I can do something. I have it under control. I know what's going on. I know what I want and how to do stuff. I'm doing three things at once without problem. I'm frying and mixing and cutting and spicing and stirring and the results make people happy. I've done something tangible that people like. I put a little bit of my love in there and it comes out wonderful.

I do something that I feel confident about and it's easy and the results are great.

There is probably nothing like it.

Yeah there is! Hah! I do lots of great stuff. There's a few things - grownup things, important things - that's difficult for me, but I do a lot of things well too.

I feel pretty good about that.

Gifts in disguise

Losing a bad, energy draining person isn't a loss. Losing things is inconvenient but life goes on.

What I got out of it is priceless. New friends. Real ones. A new home. A nice one. And proof of the wonderful support my family gives me. I miss my teddy bear (and my underwear) but the mother that gave me that teddy bear is an amazing person that I still have in my life and who loves me. And I'll buy new underwear eventually. Until then I'll have to do laundry twice a week but that's a small price to pay for all the love and support I've been given.

I've been angry for a couple of days but it's already passing and it feels so good. It leaves room for love.

I think I am getting what I deserve. Love.

On my feet again

I'm managing. I'm doing okay. I don't want to be dead.

I try to keep busy enough to not have time to think too much but not so busy that I become an emotional cripple from stress. So I do one or two things every day.

Yesterday I met my mom for coffee, and managed to only cry a little bit. And I went on a date! With a guy from OkCupid. It was a lot of fun. I guess we clicked. Had so much to talk about that the hours just flew by.

Dating while in a relationship is a bit confusing, but when your boyfriend is amazing and also a wonderful friend it's not that bad. I don't want to break up with him. Not even after meeting other people who I really like being with.

I spent the night in Copenhagen which was fun and felt like an adventure. Having a different country 20 minutes away is funny. I'm hoping on having at least one night out in Copenhagen some time soon.

Dina came by and visited today and that was also great. Again time passed quickly which I think is a good sign. When I feel very sad time moves really slowly, whatever I'm doing.

Tomorrow I'm meeting an old friend for coffee at 11 so it's time I went to sleep. It's 02:00!

A good feeling

I don't know what it is that I feel, accomplishment maybe? I usually have a lot of projects going on and some of them never get finished. Finishing one thing every day is great so far, even if it's just a few days. I feel proud and I want to finish stuff. All my ideas and projects make me feel happy instead of sad. Sometimes my creativity makes me sad. When I can't make things.

It's hard to explain. I'll try again when it's not super late.

I'm also going to go running tomorrow! I'm going to do it! Maybe it will just be that one time, and that's okay.

Tomorrow I'll also post pictures of the finished bag! And a couple of bonus projects.

Today I watched waayyyy too many episodes of orphan black and it was awesome but now it's super late!

Medicated feelings

I'm okay.

My feelings are muted. They're there and I can feel them but I don't really know what they want?

I have a new roommate and there's a woman in the ward who gets electric shock therapy.

I'm tired. I sleep a lot.

Feels

Normally I get to bed pretty late but today I'm pretty tired. So I'm going to bed super early in stead.

Miss my darling. Miss him so much. All the time.

We're working out the issues that arise in polygamous relationships. It's going well. But I worry, because I am a human. I want to have a full life even though I love someone who is very far away from me. I want hugs and cuddles and stuff.

Also the last episode I watched of Fringe was so sad.

Otherwise it's been a good day. Done dishes and vacuuming and some tidying up. Talked to people I like.

Now I'm just really cold. Ugh.

He loves me

And spring is here. The sun comforts my restless, worried heart.
I talked to my contact person today, and managed to work out at least one of the issues that have been worrying me. About that sweet man. I can't really explain it now though. It seems distant and strange now.
I paid my bills. I talked to people about stuff. I got some important info. I feel good about myself.
I like my contact. She's good.
I love my boyfriend. I'm gonna kiss him. On his face. I love his face.
I don't hate myself today. He makes me happy, and as scary as that is it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It has to be okay. He is sweet and kind and he loves me. Me. How can that not make me happy? How can that not be totally awesome?
(It is.)

Strange days

After lunch today I fell asleep. I was still feeling shaky and weak and sad. I woke up around three and went down to the workshop. I worked past nine and then went home and made a kind of spicy egg-bean-mushroom stir-fry-thing. Tasty.
Oh and I re-watched season four of sons of anarchy and realized that I might not have seen the last episodes. And I didn't even HAVE the very last one.
I miss my man. I think about him a lot. He's wonderful.