Now I am smartphone-less so now I'm writing on my laptop, still awake. But posting before bedtime is my thing now obviously so I felt like doing it today too.
I have silly, giggly, mushy feelings. They took me by surprise, snuck by my defenses, where suddenly just there. I didn't invite them and I felt pissed off and betrayed by my own feelings, but then I thought about it really hard for a few hours and decided that they weren't projections, not based on sexual frustration, not even imagined. They make me smile and it feels like ice running down my back from blinding fear. It's a confusing state of mind. But even if it never becomes anything real, if it dies before it's really come to life, it might be worth it.
I'm bloody terrified. I've had mushy feelings before and it always ends badly. I know it. If it ends tomorrow I'll be sad, and every day that passes will make that potential sadness stronger.
But he has this smile like you wouldn't believe. Stupid, stupid feelings. Drowning out my perfectly logical fear.
I really need to know what I'm missing before I decide to miss it I guess. I need to know if this is something. Maybe it is. Maybe it is something really good.
IN OTHER NEWS:
- I got a library card today. Yay me!
- I borrowed like five books. Sylvia Plath! Margaret Cavendish! Woo!
- The librarian actually purchased books that I wanted to read from the internet like it wasn't no thing.
- I watched Bee and Puppycat!
- I watched a couple of episodes of Utopia!
- I .. uhm... I thought this list was going to be longer. It felt like I did a lot of stuff today. I did do a lot of thinking inside my head so I guess that's a thing.
- Thoughts! Feelings! Wow!
Now it is supah late and stuff.