mush

The last few posts has been written while falling asleep, so if they're incomprehensible that is the reason.

Now I am smartphone-less so now I'm writing on my laptop, still awake. But posting before bedtime is my thing now obviously so I felt like doing it today too.

I have silly, giggly, mushy feelings. They took me by surprise, snuck by my defenses, where suddenly just there. I didn't invite them and I felt pissed off and betrayed by my own feelings, but then I thought about it really hard for a few hours and decided that they weren't projections, not based on sexual frustration, not even imagined. They make me smile and it feels like ice running down my back from blinding fear. It's a confusing state of mind. But even if it never becomes anything real, if it dies before it's really come to life, it might be worth it.

I'm bloody terrified. I've had mushy feelings before and it always ends badly. I know it. If it ends tomorrow I'll be sad, and every day that passes will make that potential sadness stronger.

But he has this smile like you wouldn't believe. Stupid, stupid feelings. Drowning out my perfectly logical fear.

I really need to know what I'm missing before I decide to miss it I guess. I need to know if this is something. Maybe it is. Maybe it is something really good.

IN OTHER NEWS:

• I got a library card today. Yay me!
• I borrowed like five books. Sylvia Plath! Margaret Cavendish! Woo!
• The librarian actually purchased books that I wanted to read from the internet like it wasn't no thing.
• I watched Bee and Puppycat!
• I watched a couple of episodes of Utopia!
• I .. uhm... I thought this list was going to be longer. It felt like I did a lot of stuff today. I did do a lot of thinking inside my head so I guess that's a thing.
• Thoughts! Feelings! Wow!

Now it is supah late and stuff.

Heehee.

the weather

It's warm here, like summer. Sun sometimes even. The water in the river changes quickly. I don't write this blog for anyone else but obviously people do read it.

Guys. They seem so confused. All of them. Often I know what I want. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

Guys mostly seem to want you if you want someone else. If you actually like them they find something else to be interested in. Anything else. Maybe if I became a nun I would get dinner and a movie? (I never had dinner and a movie. I wish someone would ask me out to dinner and a movie. Maybe give me flowers. It would be knda sweet. Okay, I wouldn't want to carry around flowers all night, but still. And okay, the last time I was dating we actually went to the theatre and to a concert and stuff. Which is good, I guess.)

Oh whatever. Today I received an email from Joe LondonBartender. He was confused and I was to for a while. And I was sad for a while. And a bit angry. And then I decided that I mostly just miss him a lot.

Yesterday I had a celeb customer. Today I had a stupid customer. The most stupid maybe. Ever. (Norwegian of course.)

Time for bed. The neighbours are having a loud party.