good news everyone

It's ten thirty and I'm feeling tired.

Feeling tired is pretty unusual for me and feeling tired before midnight... I can't remember the last time that happened. I can't explain how good it feels to quit my meds. I'm not saying anyone else should but being medicated has not really been helpful for me lately. Since three years or so I've been super depressed and super medicated. I have no idea how this will play out, but this completely unexpected tiredness is nice. I also don't feel scared of going to bed, which I usually do. (Because of the anxiety you know? Lying in bed, in the dark, trying to turn off the chaos inside, trying to ignore the black sticky tentacles around my neck, trying not to think, not to feel...)

I'm pretty sure it should be the other way around, placebo or not. I wonder if Iv'e been nocebo-ing the negative effects of the medication, just as I might now be placebo-ing the positive effects of not being medicated? I still feel a little bit of abstinence dizziness and stuff from the old meds, the new ones probably didn't have time to start working properly. But I've taken so many different pills and I really need to know how I work without them. My life has changed dramatically many times since I started taking them... (checks back in the blog archive) since march 2011 I think? Or was it later? April?

That's not three years. That's four. I might have been saying "three years" without actually counting for almost a year. Huh.

Gods it's depressing to check my blog archive. I was so hopeful. Everything was dark and horrible but I honestly believed that it was passing, waiting for it to pass, believing that every day that was not horrible was the start of getting better. Every time.

I still do. I wonder if this insane, unfounded optimism is the core of my problem?

Det blir inte bättre. Varför blir det inte bättre? Varför mår jag sämre och sämre? Det skulle ju bli bättre? Alla lovade att det skulle bli bättre?

"It doesn't get better. Why isn't it getting better? Why am I feeling worse and worse? It was supposed to get better? Everyone promised that it would get better?" - june 2011

Okay. I started taking anti anxiety meds in july 2011. After months of waiting to even see a doctor. I didn't get any regular contact with any doctor, I didn't get any therapy, I didn't get SHIT until... Today? Maybe? I had my second meeting with my new shrink today and the first one doesn't count so yeah, I crashed in march 2011, got medicated after four months of pure fucking horror and since then there's been a whole lot of pure fucking horror.

I've always been sensitive. I pressed myself beyond my limits back then. I tried to be a good girlfriend and boss and those things are probably - maybe - possible to be but it's hard to be a good girlfriend to someone who hates you and a good boss when your own bosses expect you to do impossible things just because they can't be assed to handle the sales department... It's a long story, feel free to go back in the blog archives to around june 2008, or actually even further, to august 2007. That's when a very strange night ended in broken bones. There was two nights, almost a year apart, that still affect my life. I used to joke about tequila shaping my life but I don't really do that anymore...

If it hadn't been for that broken collar bone, if it hadn't been for not being able to work, if it hadn't been for what I did instead and who I met, if it hadn't been for the job I got and the person who inspired me to leave Sweden, if it hadn't been for Ireland, if it hadn't been for that party at my house in Cork, if it hadn't been for that t-shirt, if it hadn't been for that night and all the insane stuff it lead to later, if it hadn't been for those stolen moments in the elevator at work and all the lies, if it hadn't been for that empty year, if it hadn't been for that unexpected email, if it hadn't been for my hopeless optimism and trusting nature, if it hadn't been for the economic collapse and what it meant to me professionally, if it hadn't been for so many small, separately meaningless details coming together and making my bad decisions seem so right... If it hadn't been for everything going to hell at once! And then just never getting better. Then... I don't know. If one of those things had been a little bit different. Then maybe my life would be too. If he had left the party early. If I had remembered my bike. If...

Iv'e been down this road so many times. Too many times.

Now it's an hour since I started writing this and I'm even more tired. I don't feel bitter. Everything that happened happened. No reason, no fate. It just happened. And now I'm here, back where I started, broke in the south of Sweden. But older and in a really nice apartment where I get to paint a landscape on my wall.

With a lot of important people still in my life. And a lot of new important people also in my life. And I have no idea how I feel or who I am anymore.

Whatever. I'm pretty sure no one has the time or energy to read all of my insanely long rants from the last few weeks and this is definitely one of them. So I'm writing for myself now. I must be going through stuff or whatever. Ugh. Who cares.

I think it's time for bed.

God help me

Man kan lära sig något av alla situationer som uppstår. Man kan lära sig något av alla människor man träffar. Jag lärde mig en av de viktigaste sakerna jag någonsin lärt mig av en människa som jag träffat tre gånger. Vi kom inte varandra nära, vi hade inget intressant utbyte av åsikter, vi har bara träffats sporadiskt. Men den människan sa något eller frågade något som gjorde en sanning uppenbar för mig som jag aldrig sett förut och sedan dess har mitt liv förändrats. Verkligen!

Förändringen började nog natten mellan den trettonde och den fjortonde augusti. För er som inte orkar leta er bakåt i min blogg för att hitta nämnda datum: "olyckan" som jag så dramatiskt refererar till den som. Jag ramlade med cykeln. Men det var en olycka och jag var invalid i ungefär en månad efteråt. Efter det så började i alla fall saker förändras. Jag blev sjukskriven och det var FFF och jag träffade nya människor och mitt liv kändes lite mer meningsfullt. En mycket loj sommar gick mot sitt slut.

Jag kan fortfarande känna hur sjukt ont det gjorde att ta av slingan som höll tillbaka axlarna. Jag trodde att jag skulle dö. Jag trodde att jag aldrig någonsin skulle läka. Jag undrar fortfarande för nu har det gått ett bra tag och jag har fortfarande jätteont i nyckelbenet till och från och mitt ansikte gör också ont.

I alla fall; tillbaka till ämnet. Jag har lärt mig mina viktigaste läxor av människor. Jag har lärt mig att inte ge någon annan för mycket makt över mig. Jag har lärt mig att trivas väldigt bra i ensamhet. Nästan bättre än i sällskap. I alla fall just nu.

Jag har lärt mig att sluta vara rädd.

Jag har lärt mig att smärta är vad vi vill att det ska vara. Att gränsen mellan känsel och smärta är där man själv sätter den. Att jag inte behöver frysa bara för att det är kallt, att jag inte behöver ha ont inuti mig bara för att jag saknar någon.

Alla motgångar är välsignelser. Alla svåra perioder, allt hemskt som händer. Det är välsignelser och jag är tacksam för dem.




Lyssnar på: lyssnar inte. Har på mig hörlurarna och spelar musik i dem för att slippa höra.
Läser: Tillbaka till Den Vidunderliga Kärlekens Historia. Passionen var oerhört bra. Läste ut den igår.
Annat: Idag ska jag bli intervjuad över telefon av ett företag på Irland och ikväll ska jag se 1408 med Ks.