24 hours

I've really tried not to count the hours but now it's so close! I'm so scared to hope too much and be disappointed. To disappoint. But sometimes it seems like hope is impossible to silence.

What a weekend

On Friday I think I partied for 11 or 12 straight hours which is unusual for me! At least the last few years. I was at a mingle event and met an old friend, ate amazing sushi at izakaya koi, drank wine and irish coffee and weird grogs at Kalle's place and went to a party where I met a lot of new and exciting people! Some of whom I later had a fantastic night with.

On Saturday I was pretty hung over but it was a good day anyway. Today is my mother's birthday and we went to a viking market with Robin, who bought me a necklace that I fell so madly in love with. It's made of black oak with a bronze bead. I can't really say what I love so much about it but I never want to take it off. I think I'm going to make it my turn around symbol. Years of pressure and hardship has made me stronger and wiser and better. Black oak is mostly reclaimed wood from old sunken ships. (Robin has a peice found in an old well, and one found deep underground while making the city tunnel in Malmö.) I recognized it immediately and the man who sold it said that I was the first who did. I wish I had asked where this particular wood is from.

Anyway; my turn around symbol because I am getting stronger and things are turning around. I feel better and better. When stuff is difficult I think that I'm one of billions of people on a small rock hurtling through space. And as such I have everything I need. So the black oak, from a tree that grew over hundreds of years and then, after that, was probably felled and made into something by someone, and then, after that, waited for hundreds of years more before coming to me, will remind me of a lot of things.

Everthing passes. Everthing has an end. Good and bad.
Life is amazing and filled with surprises and love and beauty.
I, too, am made stronger from my experiences.
My whole existence - from womb to tomb - is nothing compared to this tiny peice of wood, once a living thing. And THAT in turn is nothing compared to the silly little rock it once grew on. This silly beautiful rock hurtling through space.
Stuff is going to get better from now on.

I also bought a small pot of smoked salt and some other small trinkets. And I finally did the vacuuming.

Now I think I'll watch a horror movie before bed.

night in Stockholm

When you know what you want, when you're really sure, then it's not so hard. When you know what you're willing to give to get what you want.

Time, money. Anything.

I want one thing. I'm willing to wait for it. As long as it takes. I know it's worth it.

I'm at Irena's place, we're having a good time, watching movies, eating, chillaxing in general. It's great.

It's really nice seeing everyone again. And seeing some for the first time! Ylva is a sweet sweet baby girl and I had a great time at Emilia's. Now we're making applepancakes I think...

Last night was better than I had imagined.

And tomorrow I'm going south.

no words

I just... I don't know.

It takes me a while to realize things. Yesterday evening I realized something, after like hours. Today as well. It's like... Whatever happens during the day sinks in in the afternoon. After work. Probably because I do my best to deny it and then, after dinner, my resistance is weak. I fail denial and it slowly comes creeping.

The realization. The knowledge. I should not have gotten my hopes up. Why, why do I allow myself to dream about this?

Emotional extreme bungyjump - you don't know if you have a rope or not. And you jump blindfolded. And you don't know where you are, or what waits down there. Might be rocks, might be flames, might just keep falling and falling through darkness for ever, might land in... a big bed somewhere. Might open your eyes and realize your not falling at all, but flying.

Only I'm fucking scared.

Today we went to Leisureplex after work and played airhockey for a hundred years. Then we bought pizza, and Johan managed to order pizza with meat, and he got mad and went home, and I'm playing with my sucky bluetoothheadset that can't do any tricks at all, like, say, play music from my mobile phone. Noooo. Also transferring lots of new music to my mobile through my new cable. Which does exactly what it was meant to do. I also have a new water cleanser thingy. So water now tastes beautiful.

And today a call came in from New Zealand and the caller was a Swedish guy. Really cool.

And there's lots of concerts to see in Cork this summer! Tinariwen, Alabama 3, Hammell on Trial, José Gonzales...

Yeah, trying to focus on everything else but that thing that I keep thinking about, trying to seem happy. For everyone.

if you say run

Two songs on repeat in my mind right now, David Bowie's Lets Dance primarily. But Boys of Summer by Don Henley as well. (Don Henley from Eagles, yeah.) No particular reason (I always have Boys of Summer on my mind cause it's the best song ever, and Let's Dance is probably Dave's fault for having it as his MSN message).

Happiness comes creeping as well, not only sadness. Sometimes it's really easy to be happy. Sometimes that feeling is so strong, it fills me up and I can't find any words.

Today I got my new bluetooth headset from mytrendyphone, and it's really great! For listening to music on my computer. Thanks a lot. Turns out it's not 100% compatible with my mobile phone, so it works for making and receiving calls but not for listening to music, which is why I bought it. And it works for listening to music on the computer, but not for Skype, which is the second reason why I bought it. Talking on the phone and listening to music on the computer are pretty neat things, but hey. No fun.

Maria is waiting for Olof, who comes home from Sweden tonight, and I just cut Jojo's hair, and now I'm pretty tired, so I'm going to bed.

If I start hoping, really hoping, how can I stop? How can I get the thoughts out of my head? It's starting to feel so real and it's scary but it feels good... It feels so good.