What a weekend

On Friday I think I partied for 11 or 12 straight hours which is unusual for me! At least the last few years. I was at a mingle event and met an old friend, ate amazing sushi at izakaya koi, drank wine and irish coffee and weird grogs at Kalle's place and went to a party where I met a lot of new and exciting people! Some of whom I later had a fantastic night with.

On Saturday I was pretty hung over but it was a good day anyway. Today is my mother's birthday and we went to a viking market with Robin, who bought me a necklace that I fell so madly in love with. It's made of black oak with a bronze bead. I can't really say what I love so much about it but I never want to take it off. I think I'm going to make it my turn around symbol. Years of pressure and hardship has made me stronger and wiser and better. Black oak is mostly reclaimed wood from old sunken ships. (Robin has a peice found in an old well, and one found deep underground while making the city tunnel in Malmö.) I recognized it immediately and the man who sold it said that I was the first who did. I wish I had asked where this particular wood is from.

Anyway; my turn around symbol because I am getting stronger and things are turning around. I feel better and better. When stuff is difficult I think that I'm one of billions of people on a small rock hurtling through space. And as such I have everything I need. So the black oak, from a tree that grew over hundreds of years and then, after that, was probably felled and made into something by someone, and then, after that, waited for hundreds of years more before coming to me, will remind me of a lot of things.

Everthing passes. Everthing has an end. Good and bad.
Life is amazing and filled with surprises and love and beauty.
I, too, am made stronger from my experiences.
My whole existence - from womb to tomb - is nothing compared to this tiny peice of wood, once a living thing. And THAT in turn is nothing compared to the silly little rock it once grew on. This silly beautiful rock hurtling through space.
Stuff is going to get better from now on.

I also bought a small pot of smoked salt and some other small trinkets. And I finally did the vacuuming.

Now I think I'll watch a horror movie before bed.

Depression diary

Hello. The other day I wrote on Facebook that depression feels different at different times. I wrote that it felt like I was drowning in black slime.

Today I feel tired. Thoughts don't work. My head hurts really bad. I know I should be doing things but the pain makes me confused.

And a bit nauseated.

Spooky

Gjorde lite marängspöken idag! (Inspirerade av det här receptet.) Supersöta (till utseende och smak). Ska skicka med några med barnen till deras dagmamma imorrn och tänkte använda några till att toppa halloweenmuffins med!

Lyckades tyvärr inte föreviga min outfit igår. Hade jättestort, nyfärgat lockat hår, creepy clown makeup (lite messy, halvt inspirerat av Heath's joker) under en vit mask (gips, papier mache och vit färg), korsett och tutu.

Fick komplimanger för alltihop - hår, smink, mask, massor för mina ögon ("är det där dina riktiga ögon?!") korsetten och framförallt kjolen.

Alla kommentarer om mina bröst hade jag gärna sluppit. Jag vet att de är stora. Jag valde det dock inte och det är INTE okej att prata om/med dem! Otroligt trött på alla otroligt obehagliga snubbar som tror att bara för att de är stora så kan man säga vad som helst om dem! Får aldrig höra att de är fina - bara stora. Det är inte samma sak! Jag hade gärna haft väldigt mycket mindre bröst och sluppit dumma kommentarer, ryggproblem och att inte kunna ha några kläder som inte är stretchiga.

So dudes - om en tjej har stora bröst har hon förmodligen hört "vilka stora tuttar du har!!!" ganska många gånger. Jag vet att det finns tjejer som gillar att höra det men jag fattar inte varför. Hitta på en bättre komplimang och vänta med att säga nåt om brösten tills ni blivit tillsammans. Att höra "jag älskar dina bröst" från sin pojkvän är bara kul. Men på krogen från en vilt främmande person är det inte alls okej. "Vilken fin kjol", "vilka snygga skor", "häftig mask" "coolt hår" - alla mycket bättre alternativ.

Enough rant! Hade iaf väldigt roligt igår!

winter chocolate spice

Oh my, today has been quite a heavy day. I could go to sleep right away. Maybe I will?

First: here are some pictures of the decadent delicious winter chocolate spice cupcakes I made yesterday. Chocolate cupcakes with spices and chunks of spicy chocolate, with chocolate icing and a piece of spicy chocolate on top. Yum!

Listening to: Boney by Jack Shit from the album Rogues Gallery (and on my playlist) on Spotify.

cake day cake

Yeah, here's some pics of the cupckes I brought to work on friday - not good pics I'm afraid, but the cupcakes where very good.

They're made with strawberries and dark chocolate chips. Delicious and popular. I love cupcakes! I love making them and eating them and giving them to people who feed my ego by liking them too.

Listening to: My chill playlist on Spotify.

my room

My dad asked me to take some pictures of my house. So here's some pictures of my room!

for dad

bag art

bag!

Sara, do you recognize your old bag?

the wall

So here's a link to the album with my kitchen wall spring decorations. Enjoy!

the wall

Listening to: Scary sounds from Bioshock.

srsly

Okay so all the other Scando's (and, uhm, the Irish, and everyone else as well) are making fun of us - still - for going to IKEA in Belfast. Yes, we left home at five in the morning and got back at eleven at night. Yes, we spent arount ten hours in the car. Yes, we spent a lot of money. Yes, it was wonderful and totally worth it.

So here are some pics of Team Kamprad's adventure to Great Britain where they talk funny and pay in pounds and have strange ways of measuring things.








Sweet weather on the way up!








This is probably only funny if you're Swedish.

Go Ingvar!








View from the resturant. That's all for today.






Listening to: Gogol Bordello - Huliganjetta

tidy

Who would have thought?









In other news: msn chat history reading is sometimes a bit depressing. But it can be a bittersweet kind of thing.

Today was a pretty relaxed day at work but it seems like we have a growing chism-thing going on and I really don't like that. For someone who puts the well-being of the team before her own, egoism is really provocing.

Mom has arrived safely in Brighton.

I cut Marias hair and we're watching Buffy and Angel.

On saturday we're having a small dinner thing, if I did'nt mention that already, and we've been preparing a lot for that.

On friday it's my turn to bring cake to work.

Everything is so structured. Tidy. I keep busy. Keep my mind off... Just off.

A cow has four stomaches without knowing it, so what the hell do I know about life?

Listening to: a lot of Sabbath Hela Veckan, a little bit of Robbie Robertson

late again

Yeah, today I was sitting in my bed at ten, eating ice cream and playing wow, and I shut the game down and put the ice cream in the freezer and brushed my teeth, and thought "Oh! I will transfer pictures from my camera to Mr. Pink! That should only take a couple of minutes!" I was right about that. Then I remembered that I wanted to transfer some music to my mobile. Okay, I realized that would take a few minutes more. But I thought that it would be okay. And now here I am, blogging while files are being transfered, and it's half past eleven. Why you ask? Because my laptop could not live having my telephone connected to it. It totally freaked out and started... behaving. Now, about three reboots later, everything is fine. At least I feel tired. And waiting for the laptop to reboot had a few moments of pure wait, so more tidying! Hooray! The floor is now clearly visible!

I am really not as messy as you would think if you saw my floor a week ago, but the latest few months have been chaotic at best. Yes, months. Seriously months of chaos. It's shaping up now. I spend all my time at home, looking to myself and all my belongings, sorting them like the Swede I am. Organizing my things and my thoughts, yes. deciding what is important to me and what's not.

Well, I still have some time before all those files are finished transfering so I'll treat you to some pic's. Caroline, my boss, took her extremely cute baby daughter to work, and the little wonder just sat there and smiled, and was particularly interested in my hat, so I let her try it on. Here it is, my first hat!





And here it is on me, in Cork, wich is particularly beautiful in the sunset.

be exelent to each other

Just saw Bill and Ted's Exelent Adventure with Maia (and Dulce de Leche, best ice cream ever, well worth fifty crowns...) and it was great, of course. Going to watch Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey at some point as well. But not tonight, because tomorrow I'm going to Germany with Lars, Emmy and Lars' friend to buy lots of beer and alcohol for FFF.

Today was pretty calm. Chilled out. Had vacation. Then I went to town, had coffee with Hannah and Maia and went up to the FFF-office where I did some minor administrative stuff.

A pic from friday, when I was shopping with Kalle. Maia joined us for a beer later. Than me and Maia went out for dinner. Now her bangs are shorter because I cut them before the movie.

Goodnight!

differences

In Cork we go out a lot. I often think the service is bad, because waiters and waitresses often seem kind of distanced and not very service-minded. But if there is something wrong they are apologetic and do their best to fix it, most of the time. I have to say I prefer this before what I get here: the waiting staff is all smiles but they forget stuff, they are quite rude if you express discontent and they don't move a finger more than necesary. So... a overall good attitude would be preffered but Id'e rather have waiting staff that would do their best to make me happy than the kind that treat you great as long as youre a simple customer. And also, in Cork they seem to try to keep to the golden rule of assigning one waiter or waitress to a table; this feels more personal than having three or four different teenage girls run around and ask a million times what it was that you ordered.

So, If you're going out in Uppsala; do not go to Tzatziki. Although the place is quite scenic the service is a disgrace. The main course was alright, might have been slightly overpriced but a generous serving at least. The dessert was awful! We told one of our four waitresses who said she'd tell someone and left without doing anything about it exept for ignoring us for the rest of our stay. We told another one, who told someone else, who came and took the dessert away. We told yet another one of the waitresses. She went and talked to someone and came back and said that they had tried the dessert and that it tasted as it should. We said that we still did'nt feel like paying for something we got in, tasted and that got taken away again. She went and got her boss who told us we were totally crazy to think that we would get some kind of alternative to paying for the dessert we no longer had. We tried to explain that we did'nt really feel like paying for it since they took it away. He tried to explain that that was incredibly stupid of us.

If you're going out in Uppsala I don't know where you should go. We got lousy service everywhere. Jalla, where I had pizza for lunch, put stuff on my pizza that I asked them not to put on my pizza, and when I pointed this out the pizza-baker-man said "that does'nt matter!" Great stuff.

If you like going out, go to Cork instead. Go to Scoozi. Or Puccino's, or Captain America's. Anywhere. They can be stupid and confused and get stuff wrong but they correct it and they don't start to fight with you if you're not satisfied. They correct it. As they should. They apologize.

Well, I also saw a damn cathedral. Here are a couple of pics.



Ceiling, pillars. Also punk mom and her thai contact-kiddo.

hair

I shaved my mom's head today. She still has a mohawk though. This makes my mom one million times better than your mom. Seriously.

My hair is still on. Even though I was more than mildly tempted to follow in her footsteps, just this once.

Untill you can enjoy seeing me with no hair, here's a couple of pics of England from above.




Now I'm gonna head out for pizza. At last. Missed most of the summery day, but hey, I shaved my mom's head. And I talked to Maria on the phone for like thirty minutes. She was sitting on Arlanda. We decided that we should start making daytrips to airports because it's so much fun spending hours and hours and hours just sitting around, waiting, watching people.

in the morning when my soul's on fire

Another week, another weekend almost over. I love sundays. Not much you can do at all, town isn't closed but closes early, no party at night (if you don't feel like it)... Cleaning the house, relaxing, doing some dishes, eating some food, I like it.

Uploading pictures on my pixbox and on the house pixbox as well. Pics from before Sweden lost, pics from when Johan and Viola was living here, pics from the party on friday, pics of River Lee... Check them out.

Now I'm gonna book my tickets back to Ireland in the end of september. Then I just might get dressed and go out a while in the sunshine, who knows.

Thinking to much makes me crazy. I don't like being this crazy but I can't stop thinking. However I try to close my mind you keep on finding your way in. And it hurts.

keep your shades on

I just saw Blues Brothers with Johan and Sara. (Aka. Afrika and the Squirrel.) It was so insanely cool! It's a bit unbeliavable that I havent seen it before. Ice cream and music with soul. Very nice. (I want to add that Iv'e listened to the soundtrack a lot though.)

We went out in the rain to return the shoes I bought yesterday, (yes, the "minor" shopping evolved to major shopping) that broke last night. NOT good. The heel broke off. But today was a nice day. They gave me a new couple at the store and did'nt even ask for the receipt or anything, really nice.

Nice, nice, nice. Great midsummers eve-party last night! At Ida and Hannah's, of course. I even managed to get a couple of moscito bites. Strawberries, flowers, lots and lots of swedes, like they had some kind of midsummer party-radar or something. I drank a lot of rum and fell asleep on the couch. Woke up very very confused today, and was taken care of by my lovely hosts. After buying some food we watched MacGyver, and everyone fell asleep. Eventually I made my way home and Skype-talked to mom for more than an hour.

Now it's kinda late saturday evening, and I'm looking through pics from last night and the latest couple of weeks, uploading them to pixbox within a couple of days. Also I'm listening to Alabama 3 like a mad woman. So great!

Time to sleep now.

I aint lyin', no I aint lyin'.

home alone

I'm eating breakfast on the sofa, listening to eighties hits (I really hadn't listened to the lyrics of The Kink's Lola before) and alternative country. It's really nice. Eventually I'll do some washing, some cleaning, some showering and some going out. And some paying that damn bill of almost 300 euro.

I was looking at old photos. From last summer. Man, I was way cuter! Even after the accident! Even... the day after the accident!

Hm. I sould get out into the sunshine. Just got to finish my coffee...

constant buzzing

Seriously. My brain. It never gives me a rest.

Life was so easy for a while. It's still pretty easy. It's mostly good.

It's only that I don't know where to focus. There are things that make me sad wherever I turn. For the first time in ages I'm feeling lonely. I still enjoy being alone, it's just that... Sometimes I wish I could sleep with someone that I really want to sleep with, someone that holds me all night. Someone I want to see when I wake up.

Honestly, It's not very often I can bring up enough interest to actually make the two minute walk down to the pub where the bartender works. He is a great guy, but he is not the bartender that I really want.

I'm really happy to live with people that I like so much. And I really hope my moodswings don't make them hate me. The weekend has been really relaxed, filled with Ben & Jerrys and movies. And the bleaching of Viola's hair.

Some pic's are coming up on pixbox today. At long last.

just kidding

There was an easy-to-remeber adress to my pixbox, sorry. http://CookieKitten.pixbox.se.

further thoughts

It hit me that this thing with rejection is very much about feeling stupid for trusing someone. Feeling small and naive and a bit pathetic for believing. Believing in yourself for a little while.

Don't get me wrong now, I do believe in myself. But theres a cold shadow of a doubt, the doubt of a fourteen year old girl, a very naive girl, that stirrs inside upon the total rejection of a lover, actual or hoped.

I do reject as well, but never as harshly as the latest two times I have been rejected myself. Or at least I hope not. This is not about my feeling for the people who reject me, this is about my feeling about being rejected in general. I have to admit that if I'm down it's not because of this, and I'm not really down, its mostly philosophical ponderings.

Apart from stupid it makes me feel angry, most of all angry. What right do people have to make me feel for them and then turn their backs? What right to make me feel stupid? Then again. All of a sudden I realize I've rejected poor defenceless people worse than this. People who beleived in me. That makes me feel naive too though. Not powerful or respected.

With these thoughts I bid you goodnight, but first I want to encourage all my readers to check out my new picure-posting place, pixbox, where my photos will be posted from now on. Unfortunately without an easy-to-remember direct adress. But on the other hand accessible to people who are not part of the great machinery known as Facebook, the great monster of subtle copyright theft. Feel free to do the rss-thing. And remember - all my photos (as well as everything else I create) - are copylefted.