Prep stress

So much stuff coming up! SO. MUCH. I'm so exited but also - even more - stressed out. Travel used to be one of my favourite things, but now I'm obsessing on details, building anxiety over dumb stuff.

Miracles

Today a stressful thing happened and I was hungry and I handled it. I was completely in chock. I would normally start shaking really bad, panic, cry, get angry, need to just put everything down and go sit down in another room and generally not handle it well at all. Today I swore loudly and then carried on with what I was doing, not realising until after a little while that I managed to handle the situation. The thing that happened was that the chord for the immersion blender slid onto the stove top because the kitchen counter was too cluttered, and it melted a tiny bit.

Anything to do with things breaking usually garners some hysterical tears at least. But I just finished making lunch like a boss! Even though it had already been a pretty long day with some major bad news concerning a close friend, and I had low blood sugar.

I feel so proud.

The last few days have been really good in general, and usually a few good days means that I get emotionally unstable and have a few bad days since I used up all my happy. This will probably still happen, but I'm impressed that it hasn't happened yet.

We did a pretty big cleanup on Sunday. On Monday I went to the dentist and got my temporary filling swapped for a permanent one and on Monday evening an old friend came to visit, and she stayed until this morning. Last night C's workmate came over and I made a large dinner for the four of us before we went to the board game night, and after that me and my friend went for a glass of wine (beer in her case) before returning home. So several quite intense days without running out of spoons!

Today in the evening I've felt like life is a little bit difficult but I did manage to make a really nice dinner (sweet potato/coconut/lime/ginger soup with roasted chickpeas)! So I still feel proud of myself. Everything counts. Every small bit of progress is worth being happy about.

Now I'm planning on a few days of proactive rest before C's family comes to visit and soon after that we go to Sweden for a wedding! So much stuff happening!

Whoa, it's almost three in the morning. Time for bed.

Thanks for reading  <3

One year

A couple of days ago me and my lovely darling had our one year anniversary, we celebrated by being ill! Yay! Now it's the weekend and we're still both pretty crappy. But we love each other and take care of each other and cuddle extra much, as usual.

Being physically weak always makes me super sensitive and moody, and I end up thinking too much about small trivial things from my past. I think my shrink would have told me to be okay with thinking about difficult stuff but I really don't want to! So I end up listening to audio books, watching movies and TV shows and playing tons of games (especially the super cute Seabeard!) to drown out my thoughts.

While listening to books (the Joona Linna-books by Kepler and Mists of Avalon By Marion Zimmer Bradley) I've been knitting on a brioche scarf and matching mittens for a friend (who asked AGES ago), spinning yarn (as always) and drawing a LOT! And trying (again) to learn some Photoshop! Very rewarding and fun. Definitely balances up my sadness and moodiness a bit.

In a couple of weeks it's time for me to finally fix my tooth, an anesthesiologist has been booked and I will be in a drug-induced sleep during the procedure. It's super expensive so all of march will be in super-saving-mode. No excesses. But in a couple of months we're going to Stockholm! I'm so incredibly exited, it's not completely final yet but we're pretty sure we can make it. That means I might get to see my friend's play about Ayn Rand AND the Vivian Maier exhibition! And of course hug some of my favourite people on the planet! Yay!

hey now

Well this just won't do now will it? No it won't. I have been writing about lot's of different things in this blog but now I'm not writing anything at all. This is because I don't do much mostly. And what I do isn't very interesting.

But I miss blogging and I have so much interesting thoughts in my head now!

So I'll start sharing some inspirations and ideas instead of stories from my life. I have lots of ideas but not so much life. Haha. (Okay to be honest I'm playing a lot of world of warcraft. I'm level 27!)

I have done something though, on sunday! I went to dinner at my grandparents and it was so great! My uncle and aunt and cousins where there and we had really good chicken casserole and it was lovely meeting them all! I was very happy!

I'm happy otherwise too.

Soon I'll start sharing all my crafty projects, baking, knitting and so on. And pictures. And ideas and dreams and plans and inspirations. Now I guess I have to get back to work.

Oh first, my old friend Tom is in town!! It's gonna be great to see him! Oh and last night I cut my hair again. Now it's just like it was this spring. I'll try to get a picture.

need

Youre like a drug to me. I need you to be happy.

I guess it was true (I've been here so many times now) then, but it's not the truth now and I should totally let go let go let go!

I'm feeling better, the sun is shining, Jupiter (who seems to be so in tune with me that he gets really low when I'm not well) is also up and running again and I'm in a creative mood, watching mostly good stuff and not so much crap, painting, writing, reading about interesting stuff on wiki. I realized that if the end really came, if some kind of apocalypse wiped out electricity and civilisation and everything, the internet would go away. My internet. It would cease to exist. All the servers of the world would go down and probably stay there. The mere thought makes me want to cry. Really. And I think I can say easily what I would miss most. Wikipedia and Google. I spent more time on wiki than I did reading books last couple of years. 

I don't play online games, I don't have online friends, I don't hang in chatrooms or whatever, I just want to have all the information I could ever possibly want at my fingertips. I want to be able to find out what kind of disease I have when the doctor says "Tonsilitis", I want to know how many kinds of melons exist, I want to have the possibility to learn that rats are metacognitious, I want to be able to learn what that means, I want to learn exactly what Durga is the godess of, I want to be able to choose my favourites from hundreds of pictures of albino peacocks, I want to download Marvin Gaye and the Starship Titanic-novel as a pdf and obscure anime and japanese action movies that never ever made it to DVD and I want to know exactly what a specific car model looks like when mentioned in some book and so on. And oh yeah. IMDB. ("Uhm... what's that actors name... you know, he starred in... uuuhm... that movie with that guy that was also in Stand by Me?" Lets see... Stand by Me - River Phoenix - My Own Private Idaho - Keanu Reeves! Man, I never remeber his name. Or, I do, sometimes. But mostly not. And as I also suck at film titles IMDB is something I totally rely on on an everyday basis.) 

So... I got stuck in a forum (with it's own wiki) called Zombie Squad, as I might have mentioned. Im good at getting stuck in stuff like that. Nerdpoints for me. Anyways I totally had to make one of these.  But I preffer reffering to it as an ICE-bag; In Case of Emergency. I am that kind of person for real, I want to be prepared if something shitty happens. Like war or earthquake or if Maria would have an allergic attack due to fish poisoning. We have a list of important phone numbers in the kitchen, I have several ICE-numbers in by phone, the first page of my Filofax has information about who to call if something would happen to me. Several numbers. I am that kind of person, really, I don't want to stand there like an idiot if something happens and not know what to do. I want a plan. 

Anyways. I started making this BOB or ICE-bag on thursday. That night I had terrible nightmares, all night. This could be because my ear infection made me dizzy wich in turn lead to nausea, as mentioned, but the fact that my nightmares where all about a zombie apocalypse, all night, as soon as I fell asleep, does not necessarily have to be because of that. So no more bagplanning for me. Especially since I in the dreams where I did not die realized I had brought the wrong stuff. My survival will not depend on if I have a bag of dry socks and batteries and bandaids, it will depend upon me. I don't really expect an apocalypse, not really, but I do find the thought interesting - but when it comes - if it comes - I will not survive by having a damn bag ready. So I decided that when the end comes, if I still live, I'll just throw all my paint and brushes and pens and pencils and papers and everything in a bag (any bag) and try to make the best out of the situation. Maybe try to make what's possibly left of the world a little prettier. In my dream I realized what I really needed whas the same things I need now - my basket of crafty stuff. Peices of string and rolls of copperthread and different kinds of colour and small stickers. And a basic range of acrylic colours (exept blue, I have like five different blue, my favourite being prussian). So yeah. That was a very calming revelation. 

Today I have spent way to much time thinking about my past and way to little time being outside in the sun. So time for a shower.

Listening to: All of my music on shuffle. At the moment Deep Forest - Sweet Lullaby (apollo Mix) and before I had finished writing that it swtched to Lamb - Little Things (Klute Mix) wich I don't like very much so I skipped on to Vybz Kartel - Ni ni ni. 

between the past and the future

Looking back and looking ahead.

There are things I want to feel. I want to be close, feel the touch of skin. I want to know.

I think I might be ready to start letting go though.

I think about that time. That first time, in the dark, that last time. (That other time, all those other times.)

Things are what they are, whatever I want or do. Sometimes I can't do anything about that. Right now I think I might be ready to start accepting reality. My not so firm grip on reality might be getting better. Who knows. Baby steps.

A physiotherapist has told me to stop running. My hips are to screwed up.

I kinda feel... not so lost, right now.

I'm at Emilias. It is a good place to be.

getting somewhere

We took the bus to Mahon Point today, and spent all day at the mall. I was all like "wtb [bra] give gold plz?" and Maria was like "ok np" and I was like "kthx!" So now I have a sports bra and I will start working out. This has actually been impossible until now. Feels great.

I am going to get myself in better shape and that thought makes me happy. Maria seriously doubts that I will be able to both work out and play World Of Warcraft, but I think I'll manage. And knit. No problem.

Yes. I have set up a WOW-account.

Tonight we're making meat burger thingies with wedges and bearnaise (made from powder, the Swedish way!) (yes, Swedish powder) and watching Star Wars. This has been planned for ages. Because I have actually not seen Star Wars before. Go ahead, laugh. It's true. But soon! Soon all you have to laugh at is the fact that I did'nt see them until I was 24.

I feel better today. Both mentally and physically. Still a bit tired and half-flu-ish, but it's ok. And I have been thinking a lot, and talking a lot with Maria and Olof about the future. Our plans and our house and everything. So I'm staying in Cork, but I allready knew that. I just... decided to, more officially. Decicions can be so hard to do. And they can go wrong. But a thought hit me today.

It is only human. Making mistakes and bad decicions is a part of life. I can forgive myself, eventually, whatever happens. I'm sure of that.

another year older...

But actually not deeper in debt this time. I'm getting somewhere. My life is actually changing, I think. Pretty soon I will be free, and I will start saving money. And maybe buy a pc. Or go to America. Or both.

I won't stop hoping though.

Thanks everyone for thinking about me and congratulating me and giving me stuff. All my presents rock so far.

My plans and yours

My plan is this: 8.8.8. A number to remember. The eighth of august two thousand and eight, that is. The day when the party happens. Mine and Ida's party. We turn 48 (or we both turn 24, choose for yourself) and we're having a huge party.

Your plans should be this: be there. And bring presents. I want T-shirthell-t-shirts. And a mocha... thingy. To make espresso in. A big fuckoff machine or just the little pot-kind. (I have no idea where I would put the machine though. My room maybe.)

go

Hello. We're back in business.

I try to go with the flow, keep on track, walk the line, keep it real, follow my heart, be true to myself and whatever, but I'm kinda down and it aint workin' too well for me right now. I feel feelings, and they are heavy, and I wish I could just put them down and rest for a while.

Today the taxi drivers had a protest. They drove around town honking their carhorns.

I feel kinda destructive. I don't know. There's so much different stuff going on, in my head and outside. I need a rest. Damn.

Well, if anyone has followed this blog, you might have guessed that I have a kinda complex relationship to guys. This is true. There are several that occur in the blog. To be kind to all of you I thought I might actually start to explain what's going on, so that the blog is interesting not only for people who know what's been going on in my life lately.

There's a guy I like, he lives in London, Iv'e known him for about seven months or something and I liked him all along. I guess he likes me as well. But we havn't been able to spend enough time together to actually... become something, something more than just two people who both do all they can to avoid every kind of recemblance to a relationship imaginable. But since I came here I've become so happy and mentally not-so-challenged as before, and I started to open up to the idea of maybe falling for someone. I am still extremely catious and it still mostly scares me shitless, but yeah, I dated. I never liked anyone more than that guy in London but I never thought he'd come around, so I dated, and most of the times it ended with bitterness, but not so hard, because I always had him on my mind.

Sometimes I thought that I was only using him as some kind of safety net, but I came to the conclusion that he would be a quite sucky net. He doesn't keep me safe, he doesn't catch me when I fall, but that's not why I like him either. I like him because of who he is, because of how he talks and because of his smile. And some other stuff, whatever. He knows about Ford Fairlane and Arizona Dream. He's really cool. Whatever.

I met someone else. A really charming guy. After seeing him for a few weeks I told the guy in London (let's call him Joe, for fun and simplicity) and his reaction was not really what I expected. (A funny thing is that both these guys are bartenders. One pours beer in Cork and think's that cocktail bartenders are stupid, and that there should be a penalty for spinning bottles, one spins bottles in London and thinks that pub bartenders are stupid and that pouring beer is the most boring thing in the world. I find this very amusing.) So this Joe person. He admits to feeling feelings. For me.

I was really happy, and let my contact with the other bartender die. I spent my nights awake, in front of my computer, talking to Joe on msn. After a while he came over. It was nice. We spent a lot of time in my room. He left me happy, full of hope.

When he came back to London he started a new job and I did'nt hear from him much at all. After some time, when I finally got to talk to him for a while, he told me about his plans, which included staying in London for a few months more, moving to Germany and then going to Asia for six months or something. This made me cry. I don't think he realized. The next day I explained to him that I really wished that he would choose me when I chose him. When he asked me to choose him. I think, maybe, he understood.

After that I didn't hear from him for a few days, untill today, when he sent me a short mail about the weather in London. I still don't really know how to react.

I miss him.

There is a heavy load of other stuff on me as well. My mom and Robin has been here, and left again. Johan/Afrika and Viola have both arrived and seem to be getting along with life and people and everything just peachy. The pub bartender and I are kinda getting in touch again. The seriousness of before is kinda gone though, after no contact at all for a few weeks.

So yeah, anyhow, I'm watching CSI, witch is fun, and commercials, witch are in Irish.

I'm frustrated, a bit angry, a bit sad. Not only because of the Irish commercials.