Hello. We're back in business.
I try to go with the flow, keep on track, walk the line, keep it real, follow my heart, be true to myself and whatever, but I'm kinda down and it aint workin' too well for me right now. I feel feelings, and they are heavy, and I wish I could just put them down and rest for a while.
Today the taxi drivers had a protest. They drove around town honking their carhorns.
I feel kinda destructive. I don't know. There's so much different stuff going on, in my head and outside. I need a rest. Damn.
Well, if anyone has followed this blog, you might have guessed that I have a kinda complex relationship to guys. This is true. There are several that occur in the blog. To be kind to all of you I thought I might actually start to explain what's going on, so that the blog is interesting not only for people who know what's been going on in my life lately.
There's a guy I like, he lives in London, Iv'e known him for about seven months or something and I liked him all along. I guess he likes me as well. But we havn't been able to spend enough time together to actually... become something, something more than just two people who both do all they can to avoid every kind of recemblance to a relationship imaginable. But since I came here I've become so happy and mentally not-so-challenged as before, and I started to open up to the idea of maybe falling for someone. I am still extremely catious and it still mostly scares me shitless, but yeah, I dated. I never liked anyone more than that guy in London but I never thought he'd come around, so I dated, and most of the times it ended with bitterness, but not so hard, because I always had him on my mind.
Sometimes I thought that I was only using him as some kind of safety net, but I came to the conclusion that he would be a quite sucky net. He doesn't keep me safe, he doesn't catch me when I fall, but that's not why I like him either. I like him because of who he is, because of how he talks and because of his smile. And some other stuff, whatever. He knows about Ford Fairlane and Arizona Dream. He's really cool. Whatever.
I met someone else. A really charming guy. After seeing him for a few weeks I told the guy in London (let's call him Joe, for fun and simplicity) and his reaction was not really what I expected. (A funny thing is that both these guys are bartenders. One pours beer in Cork and think's that cocktail bartenders are stupid, and that there should be a penalty for spinning bottles, one spins bottles in London and thinks that pub bartenders are stupid and that pouring beer is the most boring thing in the world. I find this very amusing.) So this Joe person. He admits to feeling feelings. For me.
I was really happy, and let my contact with the other bartender die. I spent my nights awake, in front of my computer, talking to Joe on msn. After a while he came over. It was nice. We spent a lot of time in my room. He left me happy, full of hope.
When he came back to London he started a new job and I did'nt hear from him much at all. After some time, when I finally got to talk to him for a while, he told me about his plans, which included staying in London for a few months more, moving to Germany and then going to Asia for six months or something. This made me cry. I don't think he realized. The next day I explained to him that I really wished that he would choose me when I chose him. When he asked me to choose him. I think, maybe, he understood.
After that I didn't hear from him for a few days, untill today, when he sent me a short mail about the weather in London. I still don't really know how to react.
I miss him.
There is a heavy load of other stuff on me as well. My mom and Robin has been here, and left again. Johan/Afrika and Viola have both arrived and seem to be getting along with life and people and everything just peachy. The pub bartender and I are kinda getting in touch again. The seriousness of before is kinda gone though, after no contact at all for a few weeks.
So yeah, anyhow, I'm watching CSI, witch is fun, and commercials, witch are in Irish.
I'm frustrated, a bit angry, a bit sad. Not only because of the Irish commercials.