Pod, metaphors, Christmas, motherly love

Some news my beloved readers!

- I have, with my dear, dear friend Alexandra, started a podcast that you should listen to!

- On Saturday I'm metaphor wrestling for the fourth time (I think)! It's great fun! Come and watch it if you are in Skåne! Inkonst, eight o'clock, free entrance! I won't be catpuppy this time. I will channel the Amazing Grace! She is from America and she likes God and Freedom and Guns.

- I have baked ginger snaps, or "pepper cookies" (literal translation from swedish). This is one of my two Christmas traditions. The other is making and sending cards. Woop!

- My mother came by yesterday with a gift calendar! The advent calendar is a big deal in sweden. There are lots of different ones. There's even an official one from the free tv and radio thing. It's a socialist thing. Yay sweden! Anyway the gift calendars are a fun way to spend more money on small objects for your beloved ones. I am so happy for mine! Even though I won't be giving away anything for Christmas myself.

I think that's all the news. I've been feeling down the last few days and decided to quit alcohol for a few weeks. I painted a painting that turned out pretty horrible. I bought a new eye shadow. I watched all of the new season of Downton. I ate some chocolate. I decided to make a doll thing that I still haven't started making.

Hugs and kisses from your favorite bloggie <3

Red wine and ideas

I was out with my mom tonight! It was really nice. We came up with a lot of great ideas and now I feel so inspired that I don't want to go to sleep.

I've already been up about an hour or an hour and a half since I came home (and I walked home!) so I think it's about time to call it a night. Damn that irish coffee at nine...

Shitty shit

So today I found out that I won't be getting any money. I thought I was. The let down floored me and I went into some kind of suicidal stupor type of thing. I slept for five hours or so and woke up again around eight when my dad called.

Talking to him made me feel a little bit better and eventually I managed to eat some food and even make some hot chocolate. And I took a bath! And washed my hair! So living through this day and washing my hair and eating food; I must say that I'm impressed. Even though the thought of suicide was one of the things that got me through the day.

It's been a safety net for me for a few years now. When I have panic attacks or just feel insanely depressed I think about killing myself and I feel better. I don't know why but lately I've started being worried about how realistic those thoughts have become.

Ben has been kinda not awesome today but besides being a bit mad at him I just feel... well, nothing. I don't really care. I wish he would have been more present and supportive but he's not and I don't really care. My parents have been. And that's kinda surprising. I love them.

6

Reading online comics about trying to figure out stuff like sexual orientation and labels and self image and stuff like that, realizing I'm very very lucky to have a mother who never ever tried to pressure me into any sort of label or system or anything else. I don't have a definition of my sexuality and I don't want one. I feel uncomfortable trying to fit into any label, even "harmless" ones like bisexual.

I don't want any labels at all. I'm perfectly fine just being me.

If you feel like you absolutely have to, go with something like this:

• woman
• creative
• chaotic
• loving
• anarchist
• feminist
• beautiful
• young

Thanks mom, for giving me a solid trust in who I am. I can have problems with my looks, I can feel bad about my weight or my difficulty to handle economy, but I never felt any need to label myself for anyone else. I know that that stuff is 100% my own business.

SO yesterday I was gonna spend all day in the workshop but I ended up cleaning a lot and then going to systemet and having dinner with a friend.

I fell asleep around ten, fully dressed with my contacts in. 

But today is a brand new day and I moved my laptop to my desk again! First time in a couple of months actually. Since I started leaving my cam on over night. 

Six days. Exactly. Right now, in six days, I'll be kissing my boyfriend for the first time. It's the strangest thing. 

Now I'm going to make another cup of coffee, then go up to the design classroom for a short visit and then to the workshop where I will hopefully be staying all day. Might bring sandwiches? Hmm.

Six days.

jeans and happiness and soup

Today has been a most effective and good day. It started with me waking up after a million years of sleep, feeling funny and kind of thick they way you do after too much sleep. After waking I made myself some breakfast - chilli sandwiches - and painted. My latest painting is kinda coming along, looking less bad and strange and more like I have a good feeling of what I want it to look like.

Then I went to the gym with Hannah, which felt good, and then I went to Penneys and bought a pair of jeans, new gym-pants, a belt and a top. (And a hoodie but I'll return it.) I decided the days of feeling big and heavy and draping myself in ill-fitting big clothes to hide all the new kilos are over. Less comfortable, more nice looking. Less sugar, carbs and fat, more vegetables. With this in mind I thought of some food I would like to eat during the week and asked Joe to drive me to Tesco in Wilton which he did without complaining. So now I have three days of food at home and no reason to come home and find nothing to eat but pasta. It's a good thing.

For dinner I'm making a pretty simple cauliflower soup, just because I wanted to use up the cauliflower I had over from the curry I made yesterday. I think I'll post the recipe in my food blog if it's good. With pictures!

No other news from the week, or weekend, exept for my mom having the swine flu. She's not worried and I'm trying not to be either.

And also Spotify wont work since a couple of hours which makes me sad.

But apart from that I's been a good day and a good weekend and a good week and I feel happy.

Listening to: Dr John aka the Night Tripper - I Walk On Guilded Splinters, from the album Gris-Gris, 1968.

cookies!

Yes, I love cookies. Especially Swedish christmas-cookies; ginger snaps. And I do collect unusual cookiecutters. So thank you mom for the cookiecutters!!! Perfect!

Also I'm hoping that the christmas presents I've ordered from the internet actually gets here before christmas... 

Just saw the last episode of season three of Heroes! And... WOW! (Also POW and WOOSH and lot's of stuff like that.) 

We had a really big, long, weekend breakfast today, and it's great having my mom here, and the house is so christmassy and nice... Think I'm gonna eat some cookies now.

Listening to: Jackson 5 - Can You Feel It

wreck

Today has actually been a truly shitty day, apart from buying some yarn. And that was a five to ten minute experience. The last... four days have been shitty. No, five. I have been feeling physically and emotionally drained the whole week and I still do.

Everything feels wrong and awkward and off.

At least mom seems ok. I really hope she is.

All the time it seems like life is trying to show me that there is no way of knowing anything at all, ever. It is the only firm belief I have. That I know nothing. I know no one. Especially not myself.

"Know thyself" a famous doorway once said. But how?

The neighbours are fighting. The nice ones. In the street. It's friday night and it's late and I'm at home, sober. It's happened before. It must have happened before.

I feel empty.

go

Hello. We're back in business.

I try to go with the flow, keep on track, walk the line, keep it real, follow my heart, be true to myself and whatever, but I'm kinda down and it aint workin' too well for me right now. I feel feelings, and they are heavy, and I wish I could just put them down and rest for a while.

Today the taxi drivers had a protest. They drove around town honking their carhorns.

I feel kinda destructive. I don't know. There's so much different stuff going on, in my head and outside. I need a rest. Damn.

Well, if anyone has followed this blog, you might have guessed that I have a kinda complex relationship to guys. This is true. There are several that occur in the blog. To be kind to all of you I thought I might actually start to explain what's going on, so that the blog is interesting not only for people who know what's been going on in my life lately.

There's a guy I like, he lives in London, Iv'e known him for about seven months or something and I liked him all along. I guess he likes me as well. But we havn't been able to spend enough time together to actually... become something, something more than just two people who both do all they can to avoid every kind of recemblance to a relationship imaginable. But since I came here I've become so happy and mentally not-so-challenged as before, and I started to open up to the idea of maybe falling for someone. I am still extremely catious and it still mostly scares me shitless, but yeah, I dated. I never liked anyone more than that guy in London but I never thought he'd come around, so I dated, and most of the times it ended with bitterness, but not so hard, because I always had him on my mind.

Sometimes I thought that I was only using him as some kind of safety net, but I came to the conclusion that he would be a quite sucky net. He doesn't keep me safe, he doesn't catch me when I fall, but that's not why I like him either. I like him because of who he is, because of how he talks and because of his smile. And some other stuff, whatever. He knows about Ford Fairlane and Arizona Dream. He's really cool. Whatever.

I met someone else. A really charming guy. After seeing him for a few weeks I told the guy in London (let's call him Joe, for fun and simplicity) and his reaction was not really what I expected. (A funny thing is that both these guys are bartenders. One pours beer in Cork and think's that cocktail bartenders are stupid, and that there should be a penalty for spinning bottles, one spins bottles in London and thinks that pub bartenders are stupid and that pouring beer is the most boring thing in the world. I find this very amusing.) So this Joe person. He admits to feeling feelings. For me.

I was really happy, and let my contact with the other bartender die. I spent my nights awake, in front of my computer, talking to Joe on msn. After a while he came over. It was nice. We spent a lot of time in my room. He left me happy, full of hope.

When he came back to London he started a new job and I did'nt hear from him much at all. After some time, when I finally got to talk to him for a while, he told me about his plans, which included staying in London for a few months more, moving to Germany and then going to Asia for six months or something. This made me cry. I don't think he realized. The next day I explained to him that I really wished that he would choose me when I chose him. When he asked me to choose him. I think, maybe, he understood.

After that I didn't hear from him for a few days, untill today, when he sent me a short mail about the weather in London. I still don't really know how to react.

I miss him.

There is a heavy load of other stuff on me as well. My mom and Robin has been here, and left again. Johan/Afrika and Viola have both arrived and seem to be getting along with life and people and everything just peachy. The pub bartender and I are kinda getting in touch again. The seriousness of before is kinda gone though, after no contact at all for a few weeks.

So yeah, anyhow, I'm watching CSI, witch is fun, and commercials, witch are in Irish.

I'm frustrated, a bit angry, a bit sad. Not only because of the Irish commercials.

Saint Elsewhere

So yeah, anyways, I don’t know if I’m lost or free, or maybe both. Gone maybe. Gone and lost forever.

A twister came along and took me away from my old life, there’s no place like home? What is home? Me and the french guys found a simple and beautiful truth; home is where the mother is. But mine is moving away. If home is where the heart is my home has to be right here, because a little bit of my heart I still have, and spread all around the world as well, with all the people I love, and all the places. This sounds true. But can home be somewhere where you've never been? Or somewhere where you don't know anyone?

My house doesn't feel like a home. Cork isn't my home. And I don't think it will be. But I call it home. Will that make it home?

Home. Safety. I prefer freedom over safety, over control, over anything else in the world.

Exept maybe love, but I don't know for sure.

Is anything as lovely to me
as the truth in love?
I'll take it over freedom
any day
-David Eugene Edwards

I don't know much at all. There is one truth, one that I know and believe, and that is that control is a trap. Control is a good way of fooling yourself, nothing else. You cannot truly control anything at all.

Beauty and creativity and love can only come from chaos, never from control. Freedom lies in chaos, captivity in control and safety. Of everything I beleive, wich is a lot, this is the one thing I beleive in the most. This is what I know.

Parts of this text has also been published in my other blogthing/webdiary at Helgon.