Reality hits you hard bro

And then when you're down it kicks you in the kidney and laughs.

Every now and then if I don't watch out the thought sneaks up on me, "I wish I was dead". But I try to block it out. Sometimes it's really really difficult.

I think about my mom. Mostly my mom. About science, that there is so much going on now, the future is here. That I want to see what's going to happen. Will we ever have hoverboards? Will we conquer world hunger?

I think about my two boyfriends. I think about Maria. I think about Kristoffer and my dad and my siblings.

I think about Tindra and her kids.

No one really needs me but some people would be extremely sad. People that I love. I can't break my promises to them. I can't hurt them. That stuff is bigger than me. I have to stay alive.

And now spring is here and I want to die in the winter so I guess I'll have to stay alive at least until next winter. (I do this to trick myself when it's really bad. Make up reasons to wait. It is a big decision after all and I would probably stay dead forever so I shouldn't rush it.)

Sometimes I think that eventually I'll die either way and after that it will be over. Wether it's been horrible for 3 or 30 years won't really matter after that.

Sometimes I look at a pigeon courting another pigeon and think that "at least that's one thing today that didn't make me want to vomit from pain".

Pain

Life is constant pain. I wish I was dead. I wish people would stop forcing me to stay alive. Death is the only thing that I can think about that doesn't hurt. Life is the silent scream inside, death is the calm after. The relief, the release.

But I won't do it, the only thing I want, the only comforting thought I have. I'll go on, I'll keep wallowing in misery. For the people who "care". I'm starting to hate them for making me promise, for asking me, for crying at me.

Is it really that impossible for you to just let go of one single person that you never call or see anyways? Is it so important to you that I go through this miserable repulsive life just so that you don't need to think about me? So that you don't need to feel bad after? Can't you just let me kill myself?

I'm homeless again

I'm very tired of being alive. I don't hate myself but others easily do it seems. I'm very tired of being hated. I don't hate myself but I wish I didn't have to go on living. 

I'll try though. For the people who don't hate me. 

Emo bitch

I wish I had killed myself already. Two years ago, when I started wanting to. I would have spared so many people so much pain and bullshit. I wish the last few years of my life could just not have happened.

I can't deal with this. I can't. It hurts so much.

I'm a miserable worthless piece of shit. I bring nothing but suffering to others. I hate myself.

Hello from the ward

So I've not told very many, close friends and my parents, but I committed myself to a psyche ward. Because of the suicide thing. Or, because I wanted to do it, I had a plan. I had sleeping pills and I was gonna get some booze and a knife and get in a hot bath. Make sure it was gonna work. Make sure I was alone.

I didn't do it though. I came here and I've been here a week now.

It helps me. I feel better. I still cry and ask the nurses why it's so important that I stay alive, I've been alive for almost thirty years, can't that be enough? If I don't want to live, why do I have to? Why?

But today me and a couple of the other patients played scrabble and talked about literature and poetry and movies and cigarettes and a lot of other things and it feels good to be with people who also feel like shit. We can laugh about it.

Zero percent

That's how much I know about the world. There is no way for me to foresee the effects of my death. So I'm not going to kill myself.

I just don't want to be alive.

Shitty shit

So today I found out that I won't be getting any money. I thought I was. The let down floored me and I went into some kind of suicidal stupor type of thing. I slept for five hours or so and woke up again around eight when my dad called.

Talking to him made me feel a little bit better and eventually I managed to eat some food and even make some hot chocolate. And I took a bath! And washed my hair! So living through this day and washing my hair and eating food; I must say that I'm impressed. Even though the thought of suicide was one of the things that got me through the day.

It's been a safety net for me for a few years now. When I have panic attacks or just feel insanely depressed I think about killing myself and I feel better. I don't know why but lately I've started being worried about how realistic those thoughts have become.

Ben has been kinda not awesome today but besides being a bit mad at him I just feel... well, nothing. I don't really care. I wish he would have been more present and supportive but he's not and I don't really care. My parents have been. And that's kinda surprising. I love them.

First day!

So! Today I started working. Cant say much about it 'cause we only went through safetyprocedures and bookingprocedures and contracts and stuff. But it was nice. It seemed nice. I missed most of the afternoon because I had to try and fix a pps-number. (A kind of social securitynumber I think.) So I have not learned everything I need to know about manual handling. (Lifting boxes.)

Last night I saw a kid trying to jump of a bridge. Or kid, I dont know his age but around sixteen? The Irish all look very young, he might have been twenty for all I know. A kid all the same. The police grabbed him as he was just about to go over.

I also learned last night (sunday, that is), that Pearl Jam played here Saturday night. I feel bitter.

This city has a kind of mean magic about it; it changes shape and size all the time. Cant trust the maps. I navigate by gutfeeling at all times or I get totally lost.

In Cork you can find Murphy's. It's the only place. It's worth to come here just for the Murphy's, I swear. The Murphy's you can buy in other countries is good, the red one, but it's black here. Don't know why. But so good.

Thinking about London.