And then when you're down it kicks you in the kidney and laughs.
Every now and then if I don't watch out the thought sneaks up on me, "I wish I was dead". But I try to block it out. Sometimes it's really really difficult.
I think about my mom. Mostly my mom. About science, that there is so much going on now, the future is here. That I want to see what's going to happen. Will we ever have hoverboards? Will we conquer world hunger?
I think about my two boyfriends. I think about Maria. I think about Kristoffer and my dad and my siblings.
I think about Tindra and her kids.
No one really needs me but some people would be extremely sad. People that I love. I can't break my promises to them. I can't hurt them. That stuff is bigger than me. I have to stay alive.
And now spring is here and I want to die in the winter so I guess I'll have to stay alive at least until next winter. (I do this to trick myself when it's really bad. Make up reasons to wait. It is a big decision after all and I would probably stay dead forever so I shouldn't rush it.)
Sometimes I think that eventually I'll die either way and after that it will be over. Wether it's been horrible for 3 or 30 years won't really matter after that.
Sometimes I look at a pigeon courting another pigeon and think that "at least that's one thing today that didn't make me want to vomit from pain".