All mine

I belong to myself, I am my own and I have the right and the responsibility for my life and my body and my actions.

Monogamy is hard for me to understand. Why is romantic love seen as something measurable and finite that can only be given to one person, while all other kinds of love are viewed so differently?

If I belong only to myself then the physical and romantic attention that I pay to someone else is mine to give and should be perceived as a gift, not something that can be expected or demanded. Not something that can only be given to one person. How can it be special and meaningful if it's expected? If I was to "belong" to someone else, then how is the love I give to that person worth anything? If I belong to someone else then I'm an object to be used. If I belong to myself then my affection is something I can give because I choose to. It should be equally valuable whether I give it to one person exclusively or to several people.

Having romantic emotions for one person does not mean that I can't have romantic emotions for another. I don't work that way. There isn't a simple scale of romantic emotion, friendly love, affection for family members, the end. I love everyone differently. I have different feelings for everyone. I love all of my siblings but they're different people so my love for each one of them is different from the love I have for the others. I love my friends, some of them I'm also attracted to, others I adore, others I just want to hang out with all the time, others I can talk to about anything, others I can pick up a conversation with after months out of touch.

I love my lovers differently. 

I'm in love with people in different ways. Sometimes at the same time.

good night?

Today's been weird. I ate a cream based soup, once again forgetting about my lactose intolerance. My BFF turned 26 but had a kinda sad ending to her day. I drank coffee late in the evening and went almost hyper.

Now it's late and I feel lonely. I feel bad about feeling lonely. I miss my boyfriends. Both of them. Even though I love being in a polygamous situation it's still really new to me and I haven't really learned to navigate the waters yet. Like how much should or can I talk about one of them with the other? I'm scared of hurting them.

I feel lonely and cold. I love spending time with Maria though. It's wonderful to be here but sweet baby buddha it's cold!

Bedtime now. I have a bear hat and I wear it constantly. Tomorrow I'm going to DO THINGS. Go places. Eat stuff.

Goodnight.


Listening to: The Decemberists

manx mists

So I'm still at IoM and I'm feeling better both mentally and physically. Being sick always makes me sad. But yesterday Maria and I went to like three different towns and bought some yarn and a new hat and some other small things that I could almost afford so I feel a bit giddy over my new hat and... yeah! Stuff! Owning physical things induce happiness! Scary but true. 

Another thing that makes me really happy is this whole new "two boyfriends" deal. It's pretty frackin awesome, let me tell you. I can see what people might think, that it's wrong or not as special or whatever but these two relationships are extremely different and might also not function without each other. I love two dudes. And I love a whole bunch of other people too. But these two dudes I love more than just like friends and they both love me back. I can't not smile when I think about it. And they both love me enough to be okay with me having the other. That's pretty much love from pretty open minded and amazing people. 

The fact that one of them lives in Denmark and the other in Texas definitely makes it easier. I live in Sweden. But the Danish one lives like an hour away. So the intimacy I miss from having a long distance relationship isn't a problem anymore and the stability that I want I still have. None of these relationships really lack anything - not more than any other relationship does - but when I have both I have everything I could possibly want, more than one relationship could possibly provide.

I feel very lucky.