Silence all around me.
Everytime I think I might be close to release I loose grip. It always takes me a couple of days to regain focus, to get back on track. But I make it after a while, even though it's hard.
The problem is I just can't stop hoping, but still I can't let go. It's destroying me. I don't want this. I want my life to be about me. I want peace of mind. I want something else.
I don't want this emotional blackmail.
Everything I say is true.
We got paid today. I actually have a budget, or I've started making a budget and I'll finish it as well! I will. Today I bought some stuff but everything I buy for creative reasons feels okay. I got some stuff for making autumn decorations for the house and some acrylic paint for the clay figures I'm making and yarn for finishing my scarf and some other stuff. I have so much inspiration! I don't know where it all comes from! Amazing.
After this little shopping orgy at Vibes and Scribes me, Maria and Viola had fika at Tribes. (Vibes, scribes, tribes. The best thing rhyme.) The fika was tea and hot chocolate and needlepoint and knitting and wonderful Philly steak and cheese sandwiches with curly fries.
Tomorrow is halloween. Today we put up a million billion halloween thingys and tomorrow we're all going to dress up for work. I'm going to do makeup on everyone. Or everyone that wants makeup, that is.
On saturday it's IKEA all day long. We're leaving at five in the morning and driving for four or five hours to Belfast. In the evening Viola and Björn might throw a party. I guess the word has spread enough for people to show up at their house, wether they actually are throwing a party or not. There's a chance I might be a bit tired though. We'll see.
Next weekend we (or maybe mostly I) will be hosting a small dinner thing.
Apart from that I'm mostly planning for christmas. We're going to have a tree and my mom and dinner and stuff. Great stuff! It's going to be awesome.
Now I'm gonna take a bath. A bubbly bath. Let go of all of my thoughts.
Listening to: Cocteau Twins, the complete discography on shuffle. So damn good. Like perfume for my ears. Favourites right now are "Ivo" and "Hitherto".
Reading: Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay. Totally different from the TV-series.