Spent

God. In a city with a million "adult stores", who would have thought that finding a gagball would be this hard? Well, we succeeded at long last.

Birthdaypresents for Johan and Viola has been purchased and given, to general gladness.

The bartenders have both moved on with their lives, I guess.

We were out last night, me, Maria and Olof found a lot of new places and interesting people with long legs and short skirts. I've spent a lot of money today and now I'm tired from spending all that money, and lot's of time, in town. Looks like were going out tonight as well, maybe via some asian restaurant. Who knows. My neck hurts from a lot of headbanging at the damn Bróg last night.

It's summer, a lot of summer. I have summery blues. Sitting on the kitchen floor listening to the Prodigy. ("Keith Flint är en tunnelbana" - Johan) The thing is, I'm actually quite happy. Sometimes I'm really happy. Some people make me really happy. It's just that the same people (read person) that make the most happy are the ones (is the one) who make me sad.

I love living in this house though. I love it.

Nicolai left today. He's going back to Denmark to play poker. I'm really sad to see him go.

Memorable moments last night: wonderful team dinner, "Jesus f'***ing wept!", Viola at ZamZam's and jumping on Johan.

Get happy

I wish that I could stop being affected by this... situation. That it would'nt affect my mood. That I could keep feeling happy and relaxed. I have no power to change anything, I can't do anything, but I can't accept it. I can't let go.

Other people, other people's actions, moods and behaviour affects me. Certain other people. Damn. I hate moodswings.

Rollercoaster

Sometimes it feels like... it will never work. Whatever. There's nothing I can do and there's no use in even thinking about it. Sometimes it feels like there's nothing I can do and I can't breathe.



Do you remember that time when we walked out to the lake and there were swans and you kissed me and I said no, we can't kiss now, it would be to cliché with the lake and the swans and the spring and the sunset and I could almost hear violins and we laughed and we saw a swan with a crooked leg? Remember? I saw that swan today, the one with the screwed up leg, and it wasn't very painful to remember that day. Not... very painful. On our way back I told you secrets from my past, things I don't tell people very often. And it wasn't even hard to think about it or talk about it with you. It was a really good day.

Riot

It turned around. Like when you stay awake for a couple of days and stop being tired, you wake up again. The backup energy kicks in and you're wide awake. It's like that. I stopped feeling sad and angry and just accepted everything and laughed.

Or maybe I'm crazy.

My appetite does that thing, that thing that it does sometimes. Let's say it's resting a bit.

I'm not angry anymore. I can't stay mad at anyone for long.

I woke up this morning expecting to feel sad again, but it's still there. The calm.

preassure ||

Forgot to mention; lots of trouble with my apartment in Sweden and my insurance. And sweet lord candy Jesus my back hurts. And my head. And I'm hungry as well.

Nothing else to be said.

preassure

Today was a bad day. My mom's ex's mom died last night. They where together for a few years and we spent a few major holidays there. Mom and her were really close even after Mom broke up with Anders. She was a wonderful person.

Also I'm feeling kinda sad about other things. I don't fall so easy anymore, as I used to when I was younger, but it's no fun when it happens.

salt and sugar

Chips and olives for breakfast untill my mouth is numb from all the salt, three or four in the afternoon in front of the tv, drinking coffee and crying to the old american movie about doomed love, home alone. Writing long emails and short ones.

Wrestling in bed with my friends, tickling and hugging and eating more chips, loosing faith in the world after listening to Olof's stories from Palestine. Pancakes (Swedish ones) for dinner, very sweet with jam and whipped cream.

Downloaded Curse of Monkey Island. And Beethoven's first to ninth, and Ika i Rutan. (Ika in the screen, best children's tv show ever. Every episode.)

Remembering the past with Maria in the kitchen late at night, bringing back memories that hurt. Childhood.

Sunday. I am truly thankful for my friends.

Shake my ground

Life is more than just life. It's a situation.

Just tell me to stop hoping. Tell me it will never be. Tell me to stop wishing. Tell me to let go.

Yeah, dad, your right. Really. There is so much more to life than boys.

So: I cannot ******* believe Russia won the Eurovision. Sweden got one twelve and it was from Malta! Backstabbed by all of Scandinavia exept Denmark as well. It was fierce competition but Russia!?! That song blew! Why not Israel or France or even Spain!?! Or... Sweden? Even "Shady Lady" was better and I hated that song as well. Ukraine came in on second place second year in a row. How on earth could Sweden fall behind Iceland? And that insanely bad pirate song? Bosnia Herzegovina should have won. Or... Anything. But Russia. My god. Sweet lord candy jesus.

But for all my Swedish readers: the guy talking in Ireland (the equivalence of Pekka Heino that is) was insanely funny. Win.

Even Greece would have been better since I could imagine going to Greece (yes I do want to go to the final one day. It would be awesome). On the other hand, theres bound to be a huge party in Moscow.

In other news the local rugby team, Munster, won the Hieneken cup final against Toulouse tonight. The whole city has been hysterical about that. The Rebel Army and stuff.

I change my mind daily

Damn! I feel so unfocused. Sometimes everything is alright and sometimes it's not. Sometimes I'm very forgiving, sometimes I'm genuinely pissed off. I just realized something yesterday, something I told someone a while ago. Something like not wishing to return to what was. Not wishing to return to sporadic emails every now and then. Wishing to maintant a certain amount of contact. Some days (tha days that I actually get an email) it's ok. I forgive everything. Then, a few days later, it comes creeping. I miss him, and I feel dissapointed. Because what little contact we actually have now is less than we had when he had just moved to London and I was still in Sweden. Eventually I feel less irritated and just stop caring.

So I do my best to focus on the feelings I actually have for him. On how nice he is when we actually get to spend time together. That he cleans the coffee machine and brings me airport whiskey and how funny he can be. But it drifts of into the past, further off for every day. My focus shifts. I find new areas of interest. Even though I try as hard as I can not to.

Youre right, I do think too much. Way too much.

Strange land

Ireland. ”Summer”. Tricked. The sun was shining down on me so hard for a couple of weeks. Now; monsoon. Thanks a lot.

I'm feeling... Not great. I won't get my contacts, so I'll have to order them to my mom and ask her to mail them to me. Whatever, it probably wont take any more time than to order them here.

That kind of suits my mood though. What I want I can't have. It makes me sad. And generally a bit... moody. So if I'm not in a good mood, it's because of that. I'm not spoilt (not much anyways) but I just never get what I want. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Whatever it is, it just... doesn't work.

constant buzzing

Seriously. My brain. It never gives me a rest.

Life was so easy for a while. It's still pretty easy. It's mostly good.

It's only that I don't know where to focus. There are things that make me sad wherever I turn. For the first time in ages I'm feeling lonely. I still enjoy being alone, it's just that... Sometimes I wish I could sleep with someone that I really want to sleep with, someone that holds me all night. Someone I want to see when I wake up.

Honestly, It's not very often I can bring up enough interest to actually make the two minute walk down to the pub where the bartender works. He is a great guy, but he is not the bartender that I really want.

I'm really happy to live with people that I like so much. And I really hope my moodswings don't make them hate me. The weekend has been really relaxed, filled with Ben & Jerrys and movies. And the bleaching of Viola's hair.

Some pic's are coming up on pixbox today. At long last.

borderline

Too much! Too much in my head right now.

It seems like I might be seeing pubbartenderguy (the one here in Cork that is) again... At least texting a lot. Talked a bit to the one in London over msn. The thing is that he makes me feel used. I trusted him with my feelings and got really nothing at all. I mean, I know that he has stuff in his life right now, but so do I and he does'nt seem to know about that.

There is people around me who see every little change in my mood though. Ok, I have extreme moodswings, but I'm really not used to having people around me who care enough to see how I feel.

So yeah, extreme moodswings. Been in a really good mood the latest couple of days. It might have been that the alcoholpoisoned sleep all saturday was the rest that I really needed, or that the really nice saturday night just revived my spirits, or that it's so great to live with Maria and Viola and Johan (although we miss Sara of course) or anything, I dont know, but most of the time I'm doing great.

Then I have lows, and they suck. But I get back on my feet, safe and protected in a social network that feels like the nicest thing in a very long while. Safe and protected without feeling caught or trapped or anything. Safe but free. So nice. I love you guys, if you read this.

It's summer now. Unfortunately my favourite skirt broke today. The pink fluffy flowers have mostly fallen and the city is green. More green than I would have thought a few months ago. I bought flipflops today and we had a picnic in peace park after work.

Sleepy time.

nothing more than...

Feelings? Words? My head is spinning and I can't make it stop. I worry that I scared Joe LondonBartenderDude off with my latest email. Havn't heard from him in a few days.

The weekend has been a bit insane, insane partying, intense. Friday I was on a mission to become as drunk as humanly possible, and I succeeded! A winner is me. The feelings did'nt go away though.

Saturday I was very hungover, but I managed to make it to the bbq party after all. It was a really sweet party. Live music and wonderful people. Eventually we went out to the Crane Lane, and after that an afterparty at Björn's. With more beer that any human could ever drink. (That's what happens if you give a large amount of money to an insane norwegian guy telling him to get beer. He added some more money and got ten times more beer that anyone would ever want or need.)

I have to admit that I don't regret sharing my thoughts.

Summertime

Today I had a nice date, in the Irish rain. I like sitting outside when it's raining. As long as there's a roof. And there was. So it was nice. I also found out that a million bands I love will be playing here this summer and I will most likely miss them all since the tickets are already sold out. BRMC played tonight but that's alright. But Buena Vista Social Club, Massive Attack and Lou Reed are some names I would gladly ad to the list though. (Jay Z does not really feel important though.)

Apart from that, I feel that I'm kinda growing as a person, which I don't like. So no more cheese-based food for me for a while. More veggies. (That's easy... anything is more than nothing.)

So no real news about the dude in the UK. I think about him a lot. He would probably say that I think to much. Let me tell you something about myself. I really do think to much. But anyone who think's they've figured out what I think about is damn wrong.

Time to sleep. I also want to mention that my friends rock. They see if I'm in a bad mood immediately. I feel safe but not trapped, which might be a first.

the weather

It's warm here, like summer. Sun sometimes even. The water in the river changes quickly. I don't write this blog for anyone else but obviously people do read it.

Guys. They seem so confused. All of them. Often I know what I want. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

Guys mostly seem to want you if you want someone else. If you actually like them they find something else to be interested in. Anything else. Maybe if I became a nun I would get dinner and a movie? (I never had dinner and a movie. I wish someone would ask me out to dinner and a movie. Maybe give me flowers. It would be knda sweet. Okay, I wouldn't want to carry around flowers all night, but still. And okay, the last time I was dating we actually went to the theatre and to a concert and stuff. Which is good, I guess.)

Oh whatever. Today I received an email from Joe LondonBartender. He was confused and I was to for a while. And I was sad for a while. And a bit angry. And then I decided that I mostly just miss him a lot.

Yesterday I had a celeb customer. Today I had a stupid customer. The most stupid maybe. Ever. (Norwegian of course.)

Time for bed. The neighbours are having a loud party.

keeping secrets

Sometimes I just can't let go, like, I get a thought in my head and I can't stop repeating it, going over it from every angle, kinda... obsessing. I hate it. I hate myself when I can't just let go. I really try not to think about it, but it comes creeping into my mind as soon as I let my guard down.

I think I need a creative outlet. And I need to start working out. I'm going to start with capoeira again. And maybe start running. If I only could find a sportbra that would fit me... I've put on some kilos since I came here.

If I want to have any hope of getting into anyone else's pants I think I should make sure I get into my own first.

go

Hello. We're back in business.

I try to go with the flow, keep on track, walk the line, keep it real, follow my heart, be true to myself and whatever, but I'm kinda down and it aint workin' too well for me right now. I feel feelings, and they are heavy, and I wish I could just put them down and rest for a while.

Today the taxi drivers had a protest. They drove around town honking their carhorns.

I feel kinda destructive. I don't know. There's so much different stuff going on, in my head and outside. I need a rest. Damn.

Well, if anyone has followed this blog, you might have guessed that I have a kinda complex relationship to guys. This is true. There are several that occur in the blog. To be kind to all of you I thought I might actually start to explain what's going on, so that the blog is interesting not only for people who know what's been going on in my life lately.

There's a guy I like, he lives in London, Iv'e known him for about seven months or something and I liked him all along. I guess he likes me as well. But we havn't been able to spend enough time together to actually... become something, something more than just two people who both do all they can to avoid every kind of recemblance to a relationship imaginable. But since I came here I've become so happy and mentally not-so-challenged as before, and I started to open up to the idea of maybe falling for someone. I am still extremely catious and it still mostly scares me shitless, but yeah, I dated. I never liked anyone more than that guy in London but I never thought he'd come around, so I dated, and most of the times it ended with bitterness, but not so hard, because I always had him on my mind.

Sometimes I thought that I was only using him as some kind of safety net, but I came to the conclusion that he would be a quite sucky net. He doesn't keep me safe, he doesn't catch me when I fall, but that's not why I like him either. I like him because of who he is, because of how he talks and because of his smile. And some other stuff, whatever. He knows about Ford Fairlane and Arizona Dream. He's really cool. Whatever.

I met someone else. A really charming guy. After seeing him for a few weeks I told the guy in London (let's call him Joe, for fun and simplicity) and his reaction was not really what I expected. (A funny thing is that both these guys are bartenders. One pours beer in Cork and think's that cocktail bartenders are stupid, and that there should be a penalty for spinning bottles, one spins bottles in London and thinks that pub bartenders are stupid and that pouring beer is the most boring thing in the world. I find this very amusing.) So this Joe person. He admits to feeling feelings. For me.

I was really happy, and let my contact with the other bartender die. I spent my nights awake, in front of my computer, talking to Joe on msn. After a while he came over. It was nice. We spent a lot of time in my room. He left me happy, full of hope.

When he came back to London he started a new job and I did'nt hear from him much at all. After some time, when I finally got to talk to him for a while, he told me about his plans, which included staying in London for a few months more, moving to Germany and then going to Asia for six months or something. This made me cry. I don't think he realized. The next day I explained to him that I really wished that he would choose me when I chose him. When he asked me to choose him. I think, maybe, he understood.

After that I didn't hear from him for a few days, untill today, when he sent me a short mail about the weather in London. I still don't really know how to react.

I miss him.

There is a heavy load of other stuff on me as well. My mom and Robin has been here, and left again. Johan/Afrika and Viola have both arrived and seem to be getting along with life and people and everything just peachy. The pub bartender and I are kinda getting in touch again. The seriousness of before is kinda gone though, after no contact at all for a few weeks.

So yeah, anyhow, I'm watching CSI, witch is fun, and commercials, witch are in Irish.

I'm frustrated, a bit angry, a bit sad. Not only because of the Irish commercials.