Evening

Why do I keep this bloody blog? My whole audience consists of bots.
I've gone to bed again. I've been so tired today. But now I can't sleep, only cry. (Partly because I watched grave of the fireflies and it was crazy sad. Didn't even really like it much. Partly because I feel so extremely alone.)
Everything feels meaningless. This new life is starting to feel like the old one minus coffee and smokes. Which I liked.
My jaw feels better.
Maybe tomorrow I'll... Nah. Who am I kidding. Tomorrow I'll be apathetic and sad. Like today. And all other days.
I'm not getting stronger, I'm getting ready for a mental institution. Fuck.

earth beneath the clouds

It's strange. I have mood swings. Most of the time I'm really happy (happy happy, not just generally in some kind of pleasant mood but actually smiling and having fun-happy) but then all of a sudden, when I start to get a bit tired at night, it hits me, just for a while.

I have lot's of energy and creativity, really a lot. I feel good, strong, calm.

And then it hits me.

Today me, Sandra and Viola had a junta-meeting at my place, making clay figures (insects and animals) and autumn decorations and stuff. It was really fun.

Now I should take a shower but I honestly think I might wait til' the morning because I'm so very tired.

We don't want to be memories, we don't want to be dreams. Play me soft songs in the middle of the night, tell me secrets, make me a part of you.

Listening to: Lilium - Short stories

porcelain

I am taken by surprise by myself every day. Things are different than I remember. People are different.

I react totally different to meeting people than I anticipate.

Like she is so much more beautiful then I remembered... And I remembered her like very beautiful. And I am caught behind my own eyes. Mesmerized.

And people react differently to me than I expect them to. It seems like they really want to see me. And like they really enjoy spending time with me. And I spend all my time working. And I leave in thirteen days and I don't think I have many hours left that are not filled with plans.

I am happier. Now. I got some distance. Don't know why, but life feels a little bit easier right now than it did earlier today.

Maybe because I was sceming with Maria about the glorious nerd I will become as soon as I come back home. Or because I talked to my mom a lot. Or because I met my good friend Sandra. Or because I came up on the attic, at last, and got some kind of picture of how much work there is to be done. I don't know. Maybe it's just how tolerant Maia is when I'm in a crappy mood.

Or something else. Something that looks a bit like a fairy.

Meeting old friends is really good. Friends are what define you, right? The people you choose to have in your life. I have made a lot of good choises.

I have a lot of FFF work left to do but it will have to wait. Tomorrow. Sleep now.

words

I wish there was a way.

So much I want to say and no way in hell to say it. So many words, written and erased again. All these words. And their big meanings.

Listening to a lot of Prodigy.

Thanks mom! The box arrived, packed with great stuff from Sweden. Salt for Johan, spices, hair and skin care products, contacts (!), Kalles, a new top, loads of great stuff. Wonderful.

So... Work is alright.... Should be on Irish line full time but so far I'm only higher priority, and still taking as many Swedish, Norwegian and Danish calls as before. So hell of a lot of calls but it's better than to be on only Irish.

Guess I'm kinda happy/sad. Or happy/annoyed. Or something. Getting a bit tired... It will probably feel better in the morning, I guess. I hope. I don't know. Today has been a good day, and still, lots of calls, kinda annoyed. Been in a good mood though. Not as tired as I thought I would be. (I am now though.)

Wierd doublemood! Wierd!

Get happy

I wish that I could stop being affected by this... situation. That it would'nt affect my mood. That I could keep feeling happy and relaxed. I have no power to change anything, I can't do anything, but I can't accept it. I can't let go.

Other people, other people's actions, moods and behaviour affects me. Certain other people. Damn. I hate moodswings.

borderline

Too much! Too much in my head right now.

It seems like I might be seeing pubbartenderguy (the one here in Cork that is) again... At least texting a lot. Talked a bit to the one in London over msn. The thing is that he makes me feel used. I trusted him with my feelings and got really nothing at all. I mean, I know that he has stuff in his life right now, but so do I and he does'nt seem to know about that.

There is people around me who see every little change in my mood though. Ok, I have extreme moodswings, but I'm really not used to having people around me who care enough to see how I feel.

So yeah, extreme moodswings. Been in a really good mood the latest couple of days. It might have been that the alcoholpoisoned sleep all saturday was the rest that I really needed, or that the really nice saturday night just revived my spirits, or that it's so great to live with Maria and Viola and Johan (although we miss Sara of course) or anything, I dont know, but most of the time I'm doing great.

Then I have lows, and they suck. But I get back on my feet, safe and protected in a social network that feels like the nicest thing in a very long while. Safe and protected without feeling caught or trapped or anything. Safe but free. So nice. I love you guys, if you read this.

It's summer now. Unfortunately my favourite skirt broke today. The pink fluffy flowers have mostly fallen and the city is green. More green than I would have thought a few months ago. I bought flipflops today and we had a picnic in peace park after work.

Sleepy time.

Let the music play

Still at home, in my bed. No appetite, feeling nauseous, head hurting. (Stomach aching, throat so swollen I can hardly swallow, etcetera.)

The worst part is that my mood is always affected by being ill. I'm extremely moody and easely affected by any little thing. So this means small things can make me happy, but equally small thing can send me raging.

So let's focus on good stuff. Yesterday I, as mentioned, spent a big part of the day talking to Afrika/Johan on msn. He enlightened me with some great music! For instance Jill Scott. Thanks! So yeah, music. (Natasja, Mr. Vegas, Boss Hoss and The Grouch as well.)

Apart from that theres been some ups and downs. And oh! Yesterday, late at night, there was a big fight just outside my window. Scary as hell. I called the Garda (the police, that is) (on 911 for some reason, wich I don't think is their real number but hey! It worked). They came here in about three minutes and tore the two young men apart. (One of them took his t shirt off to exhibit some wound or something. Instant foregiveness from me - he was hot!)

There's way to much on my mind. Feelings, money, guilt, sex, food, things, promises... F*ck all. I'm going back to sleep.

where does the good go

Iv'e had a serious low moodwise the latest week or so. Don't know why. Don't think it's pms. I feel tired of... something. I don't know what or why.

My only consolation is Transformers - the movie. I am kind of bummed out by the fact that no one wants to watch it with me though. They scowl and call me weird and I'm getting a little bit fed up with it. It was fun in the beginning, I like amusing my friends, but it's getting a bit ridiculous. This is who I am. I am a person who likes Transformers. (And transvestites.)

I bought books yesterday. Pretty shiny books. The Glass Books of the Dream Eaters by G.W. Dahlquist I started reading last night, and it seems good so far. Even though the authors name sounds swedish I beleive it is written in english. Very very good english. Almost to good. Almost. I almost get the feeling that the author is a little bit to obcessed by long witty sentences. But hopefully the book is good enough to survive that.

The other books I bought was The End of Mr. Y by Scarlett Thomas and The Somnambulist by Jonathan Barnes. All these books seem to be parts of some kind of new gothic/barrock wave... could some literary nerd please explaine to me where this comes from? Why, all of a sudden, a million billion books with suspense, mystery, bodices, wierd inventions, anti heroes and extremely cool design on the cover. Dream Eaters also have a very very fancy webpage, and The End of Mr. Y seems to have reaped great success on book blogs worldwide. (Yes, seems. I dont read book blogs.) So why? What started this trend?