constant buzzing

Seriously. My brain. It never gives me a rest.

Life was so easy for a while. It's still pretty easy. It's mostly good.

It's only that I don't know where to focus. There are things that make me sad wherever I turn. For the first time in ages I'm feeling lonely. I still enjoy being alone, it's just that... Sometimes I wish I could sleep with someone that I really want to sleep with, someone that holds me all night. Someone I want to see when I wake up.

Honestly, It's not very often I can bring up enough interest to actually make the two minute walk down to the pub where the bartender works. He is a great guy, but he is not the bartender that I really want.

I'm really happy to live with people that I like so much. And I really hope my moodswings don't make them hate me. The weekend has been really relaxed, filled with Ben & Jerrys and movies. And the bleaching of Viola's hair.

Some pic's are coming up on pixbox today. At long last.

borderline

Too much! Too much in my head right now.

It seems like I might be seeing pubbartenderguy (the one here in Cork that is) again... At least texting a lot. Talked a bit to the one in London over msn. The thing is that he makes me feel used. I trusted him with my feelings and got really nothing at all. I mean, I know that he has stuff in his life right now, but so do I and he does'nt seem to know about that.

There is people around me who see every little change in my mood though. Ok, I have extreme moodswings, but I'm really not used to having people around me who care enough to see how I feel.

So yeah, extreme moodswings. Been in a really good mood the latest couple of days. It might have been that the alcoholpoisoned sleep all saturday was the rest that I really needed, or that the really nice saturday night just revived my spirits, or that it's so great to live with Maria and Viola and Johan (although we miss Sara of course) or anything, I dont know, but most of the time I'm doing great.

Then I have lows, and they suck. But I get back on my feet, safe and protected in a social network that feels like the nicest thing in a very long while. Safe and protected without feeling caught or trapped or anything. Safe but free. So nice. I love you guys, if you read this.

It's summer now. Unfortunately my favourite skirt broke today. The pink fluffy flowers have mostly fallen and the city is green. More green than I would have thought a few months ago. I bought flipflops today and we had a picnic in peace park after work.

Sleepy time.

nothing more than...

Feelings? Words? My head is spinning and I can't make it stop. I worry that I scared Joe LondonBartenderDude off with my latest email. Havn't heard from him in a few days.

The weekend has been a bit insane, insane partying, intense. Friday I was on a mission to become as drunk as humanly possible, and I succeeded! A winner is me. The feelings did'nt go away though.

Saturday I was very hungover, but I managed to make it to the bbq party after all. It was a really sweet party. Live music and wonderful people. Eventually we went out to the Crane Lane, and after that an afterparty at Björn's. With more beer that any human could ever drink. (That's what happens if you give a large amount of money to an insane norwegian guy telling him to get beer. He added some more money and got ten times more beer that anyone would ever want or need.)

I have to admit that I don't regret sharing my thoughts.

Summertime

Today I had a nice date, in the Irish rain. I like sitting outside when it's raining. As long as there's a roof. And there was. So it was nice. I also found out that a million bands I love will be playing here this summer and I will most likely miss them all since the tickets are already sold out. BRMC played tonight but that's alright. But Buena Vista Social Club, Massive Attack and Lou Reed are some names I would gladly ad to the list though. (Jay Z does not really feel important though.)

Apart from that, I feel that I'm kinda growing as a person, which I don't like. So no more cheese-based food for me for a while. More veggies. (That's easy... anything is more than nothing.)

So no real news about the dude in the UK. I think about him a lot. He would probably say that I think to much. Let me tell you something about myself. I really do think to much. But anyone who think's they've figured out what I think about is damn wrong.

Time to sleep. I also want to mention that my friends rock. They see if I'm in a bad mood immediately. I feel safe but not trapped, which might be a first.

the weather

It's warm here, like summer. Sun sometimes even. The water in the river changes quickly. I don't write this blog for anyone else but obviously people do read it.

Guys. They seem so confused. All of them. Often I know what I want. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

Guys mostly seem to want you if you want someone else. If you actually like them they find something else to be interested in. Anything else. Maybe if I became a nun I would get dinner and a movie? (I never had dinner and a movie. I wish someone would ask me out to dinner and a movie. Maybe give me flowers. It would be knda sweet. Okay, I wouldn't want to carry around flowers all night, but still. And okay, the last time I was dating we actually went to the theatre and to a concert and stuff. Which is good, I guess.)

Oh whatever. Today I received an email from Joe LondonBartender. He was confused and I was to for a while. And I was sad for a while. And a bit angry. And then I decided that I mostly just miss him a lot.

Yesterday I had a celeb customer. Today I had a stupid customer. The most stupid maybe. Ever. (Norwegian of course.)

Time for bed. The neighbours are having a loud party.

keeping secrets

Sometimes I just can't let go, like, I get a thought in my head and I can't stop repeating it, going over it from every angle, kinda... obsessing. I hate it. I hate myself when I can't just let go. I really try not to think about it, but it comes creeping into my mind as soon as I let my guard down.

I think I need a creative outlet. And I need to start working out. I'm going to start with capoeira again. And maybe start running. If I only could find a sportbra that would fit me... I've put on some kilos since I came here.

If I want to have any hope of getting into anyone else's pants I think I should make sure I get into my own first.

go

Hello. We're back in business.

I try to go with the flow, keep on track, walk the line, keep it real, follow my heart, be true to myself and whatever, but I'm kinda down and it aint workin' too well for me right now. I feel feelings, and they are heavy, and I wish I could just put them down and rest for a while.

Today the taxi drivers had a protest. They drove around town honking their carhorns.

I feel kinda destructive. I don't know. There's so much different stuff going on, in my head and outside. I need a rest. Damn.

Well, if anyone has followed this blog, you might have guessed that I have a kinda complex relationship to guys. This is true. There are several that occur in the blog. To be kind to all of you I thought I might actually start to explain what's going on, so that the blog is interesting not only for people who know what's been going on in my life lately.

There's a guy I like, he lives in London, Iv'e known him for about seven months or something and I liked him all along. I guess he likes me as well. But we havn't been able to spend enough time together to actually... become something, something more than just two people who both do all they can to avoid every kind of recemblance to a relationship imaginable. But since I came here I've become so happy and mentally not-so-challenged as before, and I started to open up to the idea of maybe falling for someone. I am still extremely catious and it still mostly scares me shitless, but yeah, I dated. I never liked anyone more than that guy in London but I never thought he'd come around, so I dated, and most of the times it ended with bitterness, but not so hard, because I always had him on my mind.

Sometimes I thought that I was only using him as some kind of safety net, but I came to the conclusion that he would be a quite sucky net. He doesn't keep me safe, he doesn't catch me when I fall, but that's not why I like him either. I like him because of who he is, because of how he talks and because of his smile. And some other stuff, whatever. He knows about Ford Fairlane and Arizona Dream. He's really cool. Whatever.

I met someone else. A really charming guy. After seeing him for a few weeks I told the guy in London (let's call him Joe, for fun and simplicity) and his reaction was not really what I expected. (A funny thing is that both these guys are bartenders. One pours beer in Cork and think's that cocktail bartenders are stupid, and that there should be a penalty for spinning bottles, one spins bottles in London and thinks that pub bartenders are stupid and that pouring beer is the most boring thing in the world. I find this very amusing.) So this Joe person. He admits to feeling feelings. For me.

I was really happy, and let my contact with the other bartender die. I spent my nights awake, in front of my computer, talking to Joe on msn. After a while he came over. It was nice. We spent a lot of time in my room. He left me happy, full of hope.

When he came back to London he started a new job and I did'nt hear from him much at all. After some time, when I finally got to talk to him for a while, he told me about his plans, which included staying in London for a few months more, moving to Germany and then going to Asia for six months or something. This made me cry. I don't think he realized. The next day I explained to him that I really wished that he would choose me when I chose him. When he asked me to choose him. I think, maybe, he understood.

After that I didn't hear from him for a few days, untill today, when he sent me a short mail about the weather in London. I still don't really know how to react.

I miss him.

There is a heavy load of other stuff on me as well. My mom and Robin has been here, and left again. Johan/Afrika and Viola have both arrived and seem to be getting along with life and people and everything just peachy. The pub bartender and I are kinda getting in touch again. The seriousness of before is kinda gone though, after no contact at all for a few weeks.

So yeah, anyhow, I'm watching CSI, witch is fun, and commercials, witch are in Irish.

I'm frustrated, a bit angry, a bit sad. Not only because of the Irish commercials.