closer

Tuesday. One day closer to friday. And on friday Maia arrives, which is great. On thursday I get paid. On wednesday I will probably hang out with Ida. Tonight I will see Dark Knight with Johan and Sara.

It's like... I'm in the middle of lots of stuff. No time to be sad. (I am anyways, of course.) The latest couple of weeks have been hectic almost. I was home sick last week, and I'm still kinda tired since, it was my birthday, the weekend felt really long... Stuff going on all the time. On saturday we went to Killarney, all the inhabitants of 22 Vicar. I got to ride on the motorbike! Awesome. And see some nature. Which looked exactly like the nature in the northern / northswestern parts of Skåne (the most southern "county" of Sweden). Exactly exactly.

It was so nice.

Sunday was nice as well! All three of us girls dyed our hair and I actually epilated my legs for the first time. And no, it didn't hurt.

Yesterday we cleaned the house.

And pretty soon there's gonna be the big party, and after that the goat festival, and then there's just a couple of weeks untill I go back to the old country... Back to where I once belonged. (If I ever did. Felt more at home here than I did there.) And I'm gonna be gone for ages, and when I get back it's going to be autumn. And I'll probably have a new laptop, at last. And everything will be different. Or maybe it will be the same.

I'll be waiting for the future, for some kind of miracle.

another year older...

But actually not deeper in debt this time. I'm getting somewhere. My life is actually changing, I think. Pretty soon I will be free, and I will start saving money. And maybe buy a pc. Or go to America. Or both.

I won't stop hoping though.

Thanks everyone for thinking about me and congratulating me and giving me stuff. All my presents rock so far.

home...sick

Homesick?

Just sick. I think.

Tinariwen was absolutely great and I had a great night with Afrika. We had thai food and went to Scoozi for dessert. They refused to give me the recipe for marsbar cheesecake but I still like them. Johan had Tiramisú which is probably ecually good, and afterwards I felt really sick from eating way to much. But the concert was wondergreat and me and Johan are going to dance the robot-dance on every concert ever from now on.

My head hurts and my throat hurts and I feel a bit nauceaus and I have no appetite. My friends tell me to go to the doctor but I truly believe that the only good thing that that could bring me is pay for today. And since I really don't feel like walking out the door and my bluecard is out I think I'll just try to live without todays pay. Nothing in this world can make me trust a doctor.

It hurts so much.

cold

Seems like I've caught a cold. Finally. Everyone has been sick exept me. Only problem is it sucks being sick! Not that I would miss work very much in particular but I will miss the money. It's not late yet, I will go to bed early, and hope that the rn'r I got today sorted me out so that I'll wake up all well and good tomorrow.

Apart from that... Well, Iv'e got a lot to say. But... Well... What difference does it make? (I remember getting an answer to that question. But still, here I am, no difference.)

So yeah, I guess I should'nt be writing what's on my mind just now.

En doft som berusar mig, gör mig yr.

Amalie is coming back again! Greatness! She'll be here at the same time as Maia, which I think is great... Since they get to meet. And come to my and Ida's party the eight. (And so should everyone else!)

And not many more days now... Soon Maia will be here! Almost just a week! (And a couple of days, but hey.) It will be soooo gooood!

Going to bed now.

sorry

Ohyeah, just wanted to apologize to everyone that evidentely reads my blog. I really didn't expect any reaction at all on that post. Nice to know you guys havn't forgotten about me... =)

second floor

Nightmares. Yes. But they actually contain other stuff. I dreamt I shot someone. In the head, four entering wounds in the back of the head and four exit wound in the forehead. Small wounds. He didn't die though. He fell to the floor and I ran away with the machine gun. And I turned back. And he smiled at me. Lying on the floor. Not a nice dream.

The dream about the parking lot was much better. And all the other dreams.

Today is not a good day. Endorfines can be helpful but I wish they would last longer. I wish a lot these days. I dream. I try to stop myself. The dreams hurt.

It's my birthday in a couple of days. I got an unexpected birthdaypresent from Henrik yesterday! Cluedo! My favourite game! He didn't really want it so when I asked if I could borrow it he just gave it to me. He is a nice person in my book now. So far, all the birthday presents that I got have been great.

Basically Iv'e only got one thing on my mind right now. Can't really stop thinking about it.

When I come to Sweden I am going to have my old mobile phone number, just so you know, all of you who will want to call me. I arrive in Sweden on the twentythird of august. At around two thirty in the afternoon.

Love you too dad.

oh god no

Strange, that the worst imaginable moments can be so wonderful. To find hope when all you really want to do is cry. To be so happy, and so sad, at the same time. To be able to smile...

Hello

Both of you. My two readers. (Or are you three?)

Well, let me just make a couple of things clear here, that I think people don't really get; I am not as confident as I seem. Or, I don't really think I seem confident but other people seem to think so. Whatever. The thing with this stupid blog is that I write some stuff here that I can't really say. But then on the other hand, I don't really know who reads it (if there actually is more than three people actually reading it). So I kinda write bullshit that means nothing. Fun for... no one.

I think I can say that I have three readers. Two of you are called Maria. The rest of you know who you are. (Yes. You can read it. It's ok.)

So who do I write for? Myself? Since I censor myself and have several other outlets I think not. For mom? I... No. For my roomie? Not really. For the rest of the readership? Sometimes maybe. Some of it.

I think I mostly wanted to keep old friends back in the old country posted on what's going on, but I doubt that anyone back there still reads this.

Oh right! Sorry Jojo!

Well... I think it's mostly a habit by now. I don't know.

Thinking about taking up belly dancing. Seems like a good way to train lots of interesting muscles. (Uhm... Unrelated issue yeah.)

Feeling slighty... sad. (Yep, that would be slightly as in shitloads.) Maybe I'm just tired. It's kinda late and I have to take a shower before bed.

There is so much I want to say. So very much. But I don't want to put any weight on anyone, and I'm scared...

So after a lot of writing, erasing, writing and erasing I realize I should probably go and take that shower already. Yep. Right about now.

somewhere so far from here

So tonight I'm not at the acoustic show on Crane Lane. With Alabama 3. But I'm ok. It would have been great to see them but I've been so damn tired the last couple of weeks. Seriously, I'm getting a bit annoyed at work. It's so damn much right now, and no one really cares that we're all going to get really tired of it. And not want to do it anymore. I take more calls than anyone else. Last week I took 220. That's quite a lot. Next in line was Maria I think, with 153 or something like that, and she had two days off. My head is pretty empty all the time. Then, around nine-ish, I start waking up, and I have some energy for about an hour. I eat. Then I vegetate for a while, and then sleep.

Not very interesting or sexy or exiting or adventurous. Maybe, one day, it get's better. Maybe, one day, I'll see the world. When I finally get tired of this dirty old town, when I finally realize that if I go through another reset or registration I will definetely loose my mind for real...

Then there is one single thing I want.

on my mind

Not much to say. Too shy to say what I want to say, too sad. My mind fills up with thoughts but I can't really find the words. The ability to make time move quicker is not allways a gift. Right now I want time to move slow. I want more time now.

What can I say? Everything has been said before, everything is a qliché, a quotation of something someone else have said. I have lot's of qlichés. Lots of them. But they don't really help me.

I'm still falling.

cruel summer

Yeah. "Summer". It's the middle of july (ten days to my birthday!) and it's not summer. I am so tired of this! It's starting to feel like I'm wasting my time here. Just because of the summer. I miss the summer so bad. I miss it I miss it I miss it and I want it back! I'm used to sunshine, at least 20 degrees, going to the beach, stuff like that. This is nothing. Void. Grey, lifeless void.

We just finished Alien: Ressurection and it was great of course, even though it differs extremely much from the three first ones. Both Whedon's writing and Jeunet's visionary directing adds to the more action packed, funnier, comic book feeling of the film. Sharp contrast to Alien 3 which is much more artsy and... stripped. Kinda.

A couple of days ago was my second birthday as a blogger. Moderately interesting, but still.

Something that I've actively tried to keep out of my mind has made it's presence clear and it's kind of crushing. I really, really don't want this reality. It's like... Everything sucks so extremely much right now. Everything. The one thing that keeps me in a good mood, a very good mood, is slowly backfiring.

I don't usually wish. I don't make wishes. I know everything has a price and I want to save my luck for when I really need it. But now I wish, I wish all the time.

aliens!

So I just want to say that all of the Alien movies rock! I am so happy I own the quadrology. Great stuff.

Now I'm going to bed!

rather be dreaming

After a good twelve hour sleep you really realize that you might have a problem dealing with reality.



Woke up tonight, in the middle of the night, feeling... not so bad.

---

A bit more that twelve hours and a few glasses of wine later, I decide to finish this post.

So yeah, twelve hours of sleep. When I woke up I went downstairs and called Johan, who told me he was on his way to my house. This cheered me up quite a lot. We had a good day. We bought tickets for Tinariwen, and chips, and we went back home and watched Alien and half of Aliens with Olof. A good day.

After that I got extremely restless and went out for a drink. And a thirtyfive year old woman from Wales was hitting on me all night. Wierd. Really wierd.

So tomorrow is sunday... Might watch Flying Cirkus? It would be fun... But primarily, it's almost three o'clock and I'm going to bed.

Come on, climb in through my window at night. Don't hesitate. Wake me up, surprise me. Come on up and make me smile...

as I lay me down to sleep

It's late, later than it should be, but not very late. I would have liked being in bed maybe an hour earlier, but it doesn't really matter much. In my bed I stare out into the solid darkness, wide awake. I reach out across the bed, and it's empty. My arm rests heavily in the empty space. Slowly my eyes adjust to the dark, I can make out shapes. Outside dogs are fighting, a car alarm goes off. It whistles it's monotone song into the night. The night doesn't care. I hear laughter from Barrack street.

I wake up late, feeling confused, after dreaming stressful dreams about eggs and bacon and trying to get something really important done in a very short time or everyone would be so mad at me. While I was dressed in a kimono. Confusing. I go to work alone, 'cause Maria is in Amsterdam and Sara starts an hour early.

And work kinda sucks since we are way to few. 76 calls today. Most calls since I moved to the Swedish line. I still enjoy not taking Irish calls though.

After work me and Viola went shopping for sheets and candy. Then I went to Tesco and bought stuff for salad. And Lemsip for Olof who is really sick.

And now I'm home.

All of a sudden there's this feeling of not belonging. Of being alone in a strange place that will never accept me. A feeling like I will always be judged here. I don't usually care about being judged but... I can feel it now.

To do what feels right is not always an option.

argh

I feel a bit like this right now. And I'm struggling with myself, trying to decide what hurts more; hoping or giving up. Not getting anywhere. I want to keep dreaming, the dream is nice, it keeps me happy. Reality... feels a bit like a brick in the face. A brick the size of a zeppelin, approximately.

alright

I'm alright, really. It's not all bad.

I just found a song about the Decepticons. A quite serious song actually. It starts "It is the year two thousand and five..." (Made by Ugress.)

But seriously, I'm ok. Most of the time I'm actually quite happy, but then I start thinking, and... reality, everything, it's just... heavy. But I'm ok.

no words

I just... I don't know.

It takes me a while to realize things. Yesterday evening I realized something, after like hours. Today as well. It's like... Whatever happens during the day sinks in in the afternoon. After work. Probably because I do my best to deny it and then, after dinner, my resistance is weak. I fail denial and it slowly comes creeping.

The realization. The knowledge. I should not have gotten my hopes up. Why, why do I allow myself to dream about this?

Emotional extreme bungyjump - you don't know if you have a rope or not. And you jump blindfolded. And you don't know where you are, or what waits down there. Might be rocks, might be flames, might just keep falling and falling through darkness for ever, might land in... a big bed somewhere. Might open your eyes and realize your not falling at all, but flying.

Only I'm fucking scared.

Today we went to Leisureplex after work and played airhockey for a hundred years. Then we bought pizza, and Johan managed to order pizza with meat, and he got mad and went home, and I'm playing with my sucky bluetoothheadset that can't do any tricks at all, like, say, play music from my mobile phone. Noooo. Also transferring lots of new music to my mobile through my new cable. Which does exactly what it was meant to do. I also have a new water cleanser thingy. So water now tastes beautiful.

And today a call came in from New Zealand and the caller was a Swedish guy. Really cool.

And there's lots of concerts to see in Cork this summer! Tinariwen, Alabama 3, Hammell on Trial, José Gonzales...

Yeah, trying to focus on everything else but that thing that I keep thinking about, trying to seem happy. For everyone.

if you say run

Two songs on repeat in my mind right now, David Bowie's Lets Dance primarily. But Boys of Summer by Don Henley as well. (Don Henley from Eagles, yeah.) No particular reason (I always have Boys of Summer on my mind cause it's the best song ever, and Let's Dance is probably Dave's fault for having it as his MSN message).

Happiness comes creeping as well, not only sadness. Sometimes it's really easy to be happy. Sometimes that feeling is so strong, it fills me up and I can't find any words.

Today I got my new bluetooth headset from mytrendyphone, and it's really great! For listening to music on my computer. Thanks a lot. Turns out it's not 100% compatible with my mobile phone, so it works for making and receiving calls but not for listening to music, which is why I bought it. And it works for listening to music on the computer, but not for Skype, which is the second reason why I bought it. Talking on the phone and listening to music on the computer are pretty neat things, but hey. No fun.

Maria is waiting for Olof, who comes home from Sweden tonight, and I just cut Jojo's hair, and now I'm pretty tired, so I'm going to bed.

If I start hoping, really hoping, how can I stop? How can I get the thoughts out of my head? It's starting to feel so real and it's scary but it feels good... It feels so good.

sugar rush

So yeah, my week of happiness did not end in a crash, like I had prepared for, but more in a general... sinking feeling. Complete with the feeling of I can't breathe oh god and that kind of thing.

A question arises: If I know what I want, and there is a chance for me to have it, would I be able to live with myself if I did'nt take that chance? I don't think so. Not that I know if there will ever be a chance. But yeah, I would give a lot for that chance.

I guess the weekend was pretty good. The corporate bbq party would have been fun if I was'nt in such a bad mood. I don't know if I managed to act happy. Don't think so. I really tried though. But strangers asked me if I was ok, so I guess I failed.

On saturday we had fun, drinking games and so at home, but then we went out to a party where I felt that I really don't belong in Ireland at all and probably never will. On sunday we had American breakfast and that was great, so many of my friends in the same place. Made me feel... a bit less empty. Sat around in the sofa all day, listening to music, eating candy and icecream and fruit, watching movies (Stardust and Bourne Supremacy), being lazy, which is something I love.

peachy

Life is so good right now. A week ago I was in the worst mood in years so angry I could hit someone, and the next morning when I woke up I felt... better. And since then it's been better, and better, and better, and now it's kinda awesome. In the "high on life" way almost. Tonight is the Siemens Summer Bbq, wich will hopefully be great. And yeah, new skirt.

Put your phones up in the air!

Oh. My. God.

I saw Massive Attack last night. And it was amazing. Really. And also I bought the skirt.

I want to go on for ages about the concert but it was wonderfull and great and amazing and I was totally blown away and they played all my favourite songs an wow wow wow, WOW. Don't really have so much to say of actual substance.

Or... on the matter of substance I have things to say. Damn! Smoke your weed before the show, not during, please! It's extremely disrespectful to stand in the middle of a large crowd and smoke pot during a whole concert! And my god that little jumping junkie in front of me. Dancing is ok. Jumping back and forth constantly for the whole show, even during the really slow songs like Teardrop, is not ok. Or, I mean, it's ok, it's just that not everyone in the audience popped a million pills before going. So take your extacy after the show! Drug etiquette: think about people around you. They might not enjoy the same things you enjoy. Asshole.

Work has been good today. Lots of routers, wich I like. Amalie has gone home to Denmark and I already really miss her. Ida has gone to Sweden for her vacation leaving Sara in charge, wich works really good! Sara has the powers of administration.

And yeah, the concert was wondertastic.