Sunday, 15 June 2008

in my dreams

A while after I wake up I suddenly remember a dream. I dreamt about you, that I said everything I wanted to say to you. And the night before I dreamt that I had a daughter. I was on the beach, a beautiful white beach, with her and a friend or my mother or someone. The child's - my child's - name was Maria, like my mother. She was maybe four, running around in a little ugly hat, playing in the shallow water and the sunshine.

I was taking pictures of her, she was laughing and running, and she started running toward the end of the beach and I realize that the beach ends in cliffs, very high cliffs that stretch out into the blue sea, a flat mountain wall, solid grey rock. But just by the water there's some kind of large white building, on the rock. It's an ornament, or a warning, and it's huge, pillars and strange formations and definitely built, made. I see it through my camera as my daughter runs up a little hill, straight for it. I take pictures, realizing suddenly that she's not running for the structure but for something beside it, a high, thin shadow in the cliffs. As the shutter closes she dissapears for a split second and when the camera snaps and the picture is taken she is gone, gone into that shadow that is actually a huge cave, dark and deep and I start screaming, I scream her name and I scream for her to come back and my body is cold and I am overcome by paralyzing fear.

And then there she is. She's running back out, into the sunlight. And something is chasing her. Something a bit bigger than a human, build almost like one but not enough, It has arms and legs and a head but longer, thinner, and maybe with more joints. It's greenish black and it's effortlessly getting closer to my child. I wake up, my head hurts and it's early afternoon. The dream kept giving me goosebumps the rest of the day.

The weekend is almost over, one day left, which will maybe be spent watching movies with Afrika. Then it's back to work. Time moves faster here than it did at home. Iv'e been here for more than six months now, got a letter a while back saying that my probationary period is over. It feels like forever and it feels like no time at all. Pretty soon the summer will have passed and I will be back from my trip to Sweden and I guess everything will be different. Sara will leave, for real this time, someone new will move in. I will keep on paying my debts, and when they're payed maybe I will buy a cheap car. Or a computer. And then start saving up money for the big trip to America next year. And after that, after winter, after America, it will be summer again.

I love Cork. Really. But one day I'll get restless, I'll be tired of it, I'll want to move on. Maybe by then I'll be technical enough to get a good job in the business, not just techsupport for telephones. Or I'll be really tired of it and longing to go back to blacksmithing. The thought has hit me. On friday I took an order for a pretty advanced... let's just call it an ornament. Both I and the "customer" had at that point had a few beers, but it's still a bit tempting.

But so far I try to focus on here and now, even though it's hard. On summer and friends and stuff that's fun. Instead of how the hell am I ever going to get all my debts payed and... other stuff. Fun stuff. Saw HULK last night. Loved it. But enough said, this post is far to long already.

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