Do androids have nightmares of electric raptors?

Cause I had nightmares about pretty real ones tonight. I tried to hide but I new I had to run, run and keep running, don't look back just run. But I tried to hide. Behind a small table. A sofa table. Very... un-concealing.

There where so many raptors. Big, scary, slimy raptors. I just knew Jurasic Park would come back to haunt me one day. ("Clever girl..." Famoust last words.)

I the end I think there might have been raptor-bbq but that was only one of them, the bottom line was that I was never safe. Ever.

Raptors man, raptors.

Today was a kind of shitty day at work, 99.9% of all the customers where pissed off and I was tired. I made good soup (fish, lentils, carrots, potato, tomato, chilli and orange) for Hannah and Amalie (and poor Maria is alergic to fish and ate pasta) and almost cried to Grey's Anatomy 'cause that show is so fucking miserable! They're all just so bloody miserable all the time! Sheesh.

Raptors.

just kidding

There was an easy-to-remeber adress to my pixbox, sorry. http://CookieKitten.pixbox.se.

further thoughts

It hit me that this thing with rejection is very much about feeling stupid for trusing someone. Feeling small and naive and a bit pathetic for believing. Believing in yourself for a little while.

Don't get me wrong now, I do believe in myself. But theres a cold shadow of a doubt, the doubt of a fourteen year old girl, a very naive girl, that stirrs inside upon the total rejection of a lover, actual or hoped.

I do reject as well, but never as harshly as the latest two times I have been rejected myself. Or at least I hope not. This is not about my feeling for the people who reject me, this is about my feeling about being rejected in general. I have to admit that if I'm down it's not because of this, and I'm not really down, its mostly philosophical ponderings.

Apart from stupid it makes me feel angry, most of all angry. What right do people have to make me feel for them and then turn their backs? What right to make me feel stupid? Then again. All of a sudden I realize I've rejected poor defenceless people worse than this. People who beleived in me. That makes me feel naive too though. Not powerful or respected.

With these thoughts I bid you goodnight, but first I want to encourage all my readers to check out my new picure-posting place, pixbox, where my photos will be posted from now on. Unfortunately without an easy-to-remember direct adress. But on the other hand accessible to people who are not part of the great machinery known as Facebook, the great monster of subtle copyright theft. Feel free to do the rss-thing. And remember - all my photos (as well as everything else I create) - are copylefted.

(poll)

Okay, I just want an opinion. I'm going to colour my hair, should I go for darker or lighter?

Shadows

Saturday night turned out a bit to wet but all in all it was lots of fun. I should've skipped that last bottle of red wine though, sunday was harsh. So so harsh. But the upside was that I in the extremely drunken state I (helped by Amalie) arrived home in managed to take my contacts out and fall into bed without washing off my makeup. And late sunday afternoon my new eyeshadow still looked perfect! Thank you Urban Decay!

Apart from that, everything about the house goes straight to the house blog, no longer seventh heaven, only 22 Vicar now.

And when it comes to me, I'm still wrestling, and I realized I cope very badly with rejection. I guess everyone does, but it's so much harder when it's completely unexpected. It really gets to me. So I'm wrestling all these different things, unwelcome emotions that cast their shadows on my otherwise so bright day. I'm not feeling lonely, I don't long for any companion, temporary or lifelong, I don't want anyone to share stuff with, I'm completely happy having my bed to myself!

So why, for heavens sake, do I still miss? Why do I think about people that I know are not interested, or to emotionally fucked up, or simply just in the wrong country? I think it's just about the fact that I can't handle the rejection. That the fact that I am unwanted, and so badly unwanted that I'm not even worth being personally informed of this, is more painful than the actual loss of the people who reject me. Not so strange I guess, no one likes being harshly dumped. And if you feel like going Freud on me I guess it can be traced back to my childhood (no names mentioned).

The thing is, the person I miss the most has'nt really rejected me. But I still miss him.

Dont let the dream come true

I don't know where the phrase comes from but it's been in my head all day, along with "don't go wasting your emotions", is that ABBA or something? Suiting though, I'm wrestling my emotions a lot right now. I feel so much more than I want to. I don't want to miss, or feel at all, but I do, very much. Probably just PMS, but it feels real enough. So I'm searching for reasons to not feel, and the reasons arent enough, and drinking chocolate milk with wiskey makes me share to much.

I keep telling myself that there are plenty of reasons not to fall.

take a look at my life

I have finally transferred my photos to Maria's computer. So I am uploading a bunch of them on facebook. Eventually I will find some other medium to post photos in, pixbox, picasa or something else. I was thinking of Bilddagboken but posting there is impractical and irritating. But it's on it's way.
(Untill then look at this.)

I have, also finally, at least almost, decided what to do with my hair. Iv'e begun to have it in... some kind of hairdo? I'll post a photo of it someday. And then I'll make an album of the probably long road from here to my goal, which is a secret untill Iv'e made up my mind.

yeah yeah

My boss' cellphone is ringing every now and then, and her ring tone is "Yeah yeah" by Usher. Definitely gives the place a friday feeling. And there's something wrong with my mail, so I can't answer emails. (Work emails that is.) Basically thats nice, but only for me. The others will have to answer more though. But still, friday. Nice.

Tonight I will go look at art. And maybe drink some whiskey.

Feeling small

First of all I have a new blog with Sara and Maria, seventh heaven, where I will start posting as well. I will of course not stop posting here though.

I feel more and more as though I'm doing a bad job, and like my boss dislikes me. I don't know if I'm only imagining it or not, but it feels like it. I don't know. My coworkers contradict me when I talk to them about it, and I think they would be honest about stuff like that (I think they are honest people, they are my friends).

And talking of friends/coworkers, Hannah is back! It's nice, I've missed her. She's been skiing in France. (Or snowboarding actually.) I'm a bit jealous.

Dissapointment

I saw a guy at Tesco today that I flirted with at the bróg couple of weeks ago, and he was not cute at all when I was sober. Can you even begin to grasp my immense dissapointment? On the other hand I saw a guy at Tesco yesterday that I didn't flirt with this weekend, only talked to a bit, and he was much cuter when I was sober (and could actually focus). So it kindof puts me back on equilibrium, but still. Oh well. One bartender a month is enough.

This is blogpost number 200.

I looked through all my facebook albums today (Maria finally got her computer from Sweden) and got all mushy. And a bit scared since they're all from parties. Anyhow, happy times, some of them.

Mom and Robin are coming to visit me! Yay! In may. I'm looking forward to it so very very much. And I've already started on the list of stuff I'm gonna make them bring...

Today I made spaggetti bolognese. It's going to last for a week. I've been making food for at least three people every time I cook so I made the most vast amount of food ever. Also, We watched Buffy. More than half way through season two now.

where does the good go

Iv'e had a serious low moodwise the latest week or so. Don't know why. Don't think it's pms. I feel tired of... something. I don't know what or why.

My only consolation is Transformers - the movie. I am kind of bummed out by the fact that no one wants to watch it with me though. They scowl and call me weird and I'm getting a little bit fed up with it. It was fun in the beginning, I like amusing my friends, but it's getting a bit ridiculous. This is who I am. I am a person who likes Transformers. (And transvestites.)

I bought books yesterday. Pretty shiny books. The Glass Books of the Dream Eaters by G.W. Dahlquist I started reading last night, and it seems good so far. Even though the authors name sounds swedish I beleive it is written in english. Very very good english. Almost to good. Almost. I almost get the feeling that the author is a little bit to obcessed by long witty sentences. But hopefully the book is good enough to survive that.

The other books I bought was The End of Mr. Y by Scarlett Thomas and The Somnambulist by Jonathan Barnes. All these books seem to be parts of some kind of new gothic/barrock wave... could some literary nerd please explaine to me where this comes from? Why, all of a sudden, a million billion books with suspense, mystery, bodices, wierd inventions, anti heroes and extremely cool design on the cover. Dream Eaters also have a very very fancy webpage, and The End of Mr. Y seems to have reaped great success on book blogs worldwide. (Yes, seems. I dont read book blogs.) So why? What started this trend?

It's true

I am the proud owner of Transformers - the movie on dvd. The old one that is. ("The year is 2005...")

The weekend was mostly good. Friday was a bit boring, saturday was mostly fun. I bought eyeshadows for €32. I love them.

We had swedish dinner, meatballs, potatoes, brown sauce and cranberry sauce which is a bit like lingonsylt but not really.

Then we had an enourmous amount of wine, and then we went to the old oak and danced and drank beer. The next day everyone was extremely hung over. Most of the day was spent at Tribes, enjoying their massive amounts of food, coffee and hot chocolate.

I had a wierd dream. I dreamt I was kidnapped by a psyco killer. He poisoned his victims with halucinogenic drugs and killed them, and possibly also ate them. I managed to not eat the wierd drug filled cookies, and thereby realizing I was in danger before I was actually killed, contrary to the rest of his victims. I escaped. Then I met Joakim, and he was beaten up, his face was filled with bruises, and he was carrying a child.

Sunday evening I spent cleaning the house, and watching Monty Python and Buffy, and eating garlic bread. Amalie has been living in our house since saturday.

All is well.

Explanations

I hate explaining stuff. When i'ts a bout me. I hate giving excuses. If I do something wrong, and I realize it, I dont want to say anything to try to make it seem better, I dont want to explain myself. Even if there is extenuating circumstances. And if I havn't done anything wrong I'm not going to try to defend myself. Not a chance. The only reason I can see why I would ever try to defend myself is if I'm trying to cover something up or get away with something, or if someone asks me straight out why I have done something.

Also; the shame - Basshuter is on the Irish op five. And also; the amusement when my danish collegue Amalie tries to sing Boten Anna in swedish.

Now the weekend is drawing near, I prepare for going out in my new skirt. Maybe some whiskey. Maybe dancing all night. Maybe, on the other hand, staying in, making swedish meatballs and watching Alien (did I mention I bought the box? The nine disc box?) or Buffy.

violentine

Hannah, the little sweet lady from the canteen, gave us all sweets today. She is the best. She calls everyone "girl" (at least the girls) and she is very cute.

waking up is hard to do

I'm so tired. So so tired. Took me half an hour to wake up.

Looking forward to this film.

Also, general wierdness. Me and Ida were trying to define the rules a bit. It's hard to know how peoples relationships really work around here.

Yesterday we had dinner at Amalie's. A sort of fish gratin with vegetables, white wine and lots of cheese. It was great. Tonight I will make funny lasagna (the kind with chicken, spinach, rocket and blue cheese among other things) for Dave since he housewatches for us when the internet people come to give us the internet. So today we get internet to our house. Only Sara has a working computer, but at least we can download Buffy.

Beautiful weather today. My head hurts.

This is the winter of our discount tent

Interesting how people can't understand that you can be happy but still kinda sensitive. Slings and arrows and shit. Generally I'm stable but it's not so much fun when people say genuinely mean things to you (although I don't take it very personally) or ignore you or anything like that.

This support I'm working in is very supportive. On friday I was a bit down, and everyone just got it within an hour and they gave me hugs. I liked it here before, but I have never felt that I am a part of a team this tight. So the latest couple of weeks have been great. The latest couple of days on the other hand have been... weird. It seems like I'm a part of something that I don't even know or understand. I sincerely hope that it passes soon.

another weekend passed

Friday was incredibly bad but on saturday we had our moving in party. Sunday was good. Good company, good food, Monty Python and good hot chocolate.

When I drink whiskey I drink very slowly, so I get kinda drunk but not so very hungover. Which is good.

Now I'm going home.

Song of the day: Weak become heroes by The Streets.

home

I feel at home. It's a bit strange to feel this totally comfortable in a place where you actually are a stranger. I remember how I felt the last two or three months in Sweden, and it wasn't very good. Here is good.

He's Gone

But having him here was good. Very good. I prepared for feeling bad about seeing him go, but I didn't. And of course everyone was charmed, because he is charming. I have to say that this was a very good weekend.

Right now I feel like listening to Leonard Cohen and doing something, go sailing or riding a bicycle or anything. I'm a bit restless.

(I need you, I don't need you)

Yesterday I made a very good lasagna. And it was fat tuesday, so Sara made very small and flat semlor, but they where very very good since they where the only ones available.

Tonight is house meeting. After that I'm going for a pint with Amalie, and maybe I'm calling George as well. And planned for the weekend is Lust, Caution and I'm not here or I'm not there or whatever it's called. I keep forgetting. The one about Dylan.

I'm planning to go to Berlin in the spring.

Blogthings

This is not a filmblog, or a bookblog, or a sportblog. But it seems like people read it anyways. Wich kind of makes me want to write better. And more.

Right now I am not at work, despite the fact that it is half two on a monday. I am off today, wich is great. So I'm at a internet cafe at Barrack, hanging around while my company is reading hockey blogs.

I have moved! To Vicar street! With Sara and Maria and I love it. Yesterday I made mom's lemon and terragon chicken, and it felt very much like home. Not only home, but a home. Mine.

Meanwhile, at "home", in Sweden that is, which is of course "home" although Cork feels more like home after just a couple of months, my new baby sister is born. Since friday I have two sisters instead of one. Which is a miracle and I love them both eternally. (Yes, okay, I love my brothers too.) Of all the people in the world, these are the most inportant to me. All four of them.

My stubborn cold seems to slowly subside, my painfull tooth is still painful but not as bad, and my visitor is making me happy. It has been a very good weekend, even though most of saturday was spent moving. I have new shoes, new jeans, the Alien quadrology and the first season of Monthy Pyton's Flying Circus. (And for all this I spent € 30. Wow like.)

Sweeny Todd was good mostly because of exelent music and the fact that Depp was a much better singer than I would have thought. But Burton will have to be a little more than just Burton to impress. Just doing the same thing with the same actors over and over again does not make me happy, even though I count myself as a Burton fan. I wonder what he will make of Alice. It is a book that I adore, but the film is based on the computer game. Starring Sarah Michelle Gellar as Alice, returning to Wonderland many years later. I must admit that I am highly sceptical. Well, I'll have to wait about a year to find out if Burton is still able to surprise me, and if he is good enough to direct Gellar into a mentally challenged Alice.