Supe glu

Ångest botas bäst med intensiv kreativitet. Har planterat om köksträdgården till en stor ört-kruka med många "balkonger". Har skissat på idéer till självporträtt. Har ritat på en present. Har slutligen nästan limmat ihop fingrarna med billigt superlim kallat "supe glu". Det var så lättflytande att jag inte ens märkte att jag fick det på fingrarna.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

What happened? I am crawling out of my own skin. I am drowning, exploding. I am out of balance, spinning too quickly, wavering. I can’t focus. White noise fills my head.

I am not inside my body. I am not in contact with my head. I am a storm of inspiration and angst and I need to get it out of me, it crawls out of my fingers, my eyes, it makes me shudder, it makes me nauseous.

I feel like I am trapped inside myself without being able to control myself. I am watching the world through my own eyes. I am writhing in pain inside myself, I am watching myself writhe in pain, I feel non-human.

I want to go home.

Candy lips

I am very happy with the result of combining the lip stain and the lip lacquer that I bought a couple of days ago. And the blusher as well. Had a bit too much fun putting on my makeup tho, 30 minutes just flew by.

"Thirty minutes?" you might ask. "how is that possible? It doesn't even look like you're wearing that much make up?"

Well, I helped the kid find some clean clothes, and I am wearing a lot of make up.

Foundation
Concealer
Eye liner
Brown eye shadow
Gold shimmer eye shadow
Gold eye shadow
Blush
Lip stain
Lip pencil
Powder
Eyebrow gel
Liquid eye liner
Mascara
And lip lacquer.

In other words, WAY more than my morning routine allows, and than I usually wear.

Well this isn't a make up blog. So I am also going to tell you that I finished cleaning the whole kitchen, plus hallway yesterday! It felt so incredibly good! Aaaah the kitchen is so clean... Now I can call the landlord and ask them to come and help us connect the new dishwasher!

And tonight I'm replanting my shoots, and hopefully it won't be too late. They don't look too good at the moment. And if I can afford it after all the bills are paid I'm gonna go to IKEA and buy a miniature green house for the chilies.

Dishes done!

So for about two or three weeks time has moved too quickly and no one has had time to tidy up and crap. We've all done loads of dishes but we never quite got through the mountain that took up half the kitchen.

Until today. I had severe stomach pains, a sore throat, a headache, bad sleep due to extreme RLS and a bad case of angst to top it of. So I stayed at home today, and did pretty much nothing but dishes.

J helped out with cleaning the kitchen as well. And we took some pics of him for his CV. Now I'm gonna vacuum as well, and then the kitchen will be cleaner than it has been in ages! It feels so great. The mess has been killing us all.

Red fever

I had lunch and I was gonna go return a hair-thing I bought last week, but Kicks is right around the corner at the mall so I kinda accidentally went in to look for a blusher. I found one (very strange that the picture seems to be of a totally different product), obviously, and a new lip lacquer and stain from Lumene... I've been thinking of buying another lip lacquer since I have one that I love. This new one seems VERY nice!!!

Ah, I'm happy. No more make up this month tho... Bought a brown eye shadow palette a few days ago, and a new nail polish (nr. 91 I think) that I haven't even had time to try yet! It's red as well tho and I think it's going to go very well with the rest of this shock-red makeup.

The blusher is super lovely on. Dollface-warning. And the lip lacquer applied on top of a little bit of lip balm makes a lovely sheer reddish-pink hue.

Note: While googling for pictures of porcelain dolls with rosie cheeks I found so much weird stuff. The internet man. The internet.

transitional management

ALRIGHT Y'ALL I just went through and labeled all my seven hundred and fifteen posts with "swedish" or "english". So now it's a bit easier for all my non-swedish-readers to find the posts that are in english.

In other news I'm cutting down my dose of happy pills and the difference is HUGE. I have loads more energy and life feels easier.

Met E this weekend for the first time in four months. It was great but I don't think I can go back to wanting a relationship with him. He is too immature (despite being 34), he's a control freak and he has a need of proving himself which is a huge turnoff. Prefer men who trust themselves and others, who can be silly and funny and relaxed.

We switched rooms this past week. I got T's room, the kids got my room and T got the kids' room. Last night I finally - after a week of cleaning and sorting and fixing - felt like it's getting finished.

New favorites

Hey guys it's me. I found this artist today over at Society6, Tim Shumate. He has a website too, and a facebook fansite thing. I am totally hysterical here. This is so awesome! I love it so much. How can I not spend my money on a hoodie here?!

rights to the pic belongs to the artist of course!

SO AWESOME RIGHT

The angst

Trying to get to work, but I have a really bad angst. Hard to explain in English.

Jag har svår ångest. Som ett järnband runt bröstkorgen. Som kalla händer runt min hals. Som... Som smärta. Som att min själ är full av tjära. Jag försöker om och om igen att göra mig klar och gå, men det går bara inte.

Jag mår illa. Jag vet inte vad jag ska göra.

Håret

Ville inte lägga mig i debatten - har inte sett till EN ENDA kommentar om att folk med kroppsbehåring är äckliga, bara en massa jättearga om att de inte är det. Men jag måste trots allt lägga mig i, för jag tycker ju alltid grejer.

Men såhär liksom. Killar rakar sig en massa på en massa ställen. Tjejer också. Eller så låter de bli. Jag själv är en lat jävel och har alltid håriga ben, ibland andra ställen med. Ingen har någonsin, någonsin sagt något om det. Jag har aldrig brytt mig om eventuella sexpartners har det.

Skulle en man välja bort mig för att jag har hår nånstans där han inte gillar hår så okej. Visst. Det berör mig inte alls. Väljer han bort mig för att jag har för mycket smink (vilket är lika troligt som för lite) så visst. Väljer han bort mig för min hårfärg, så visst. Jag klarar mig utan ytliga snubbar. De får vara ytliga, för det är jag också ibland.

Det berör mig inte att ytliga idioter tror att det är okej att skriva bullshit på internet om att håriga tjejer inte får ligga eller whatever. De får de ju uppenbarligen.

De enda som någonsin har sagt något om min eventuella kroppsbehåring är andra tjejer.

Såatteh... Om du läst enda hit så kan du få lite fakta: hår under armarna leder till minskad armsvett, och behagligare kroppslukt, detsamma gäller mellan benen.

Jag tycker att det beror på - vissa passar med, vissa utan. Killar som tjejer.

Liten odling

Jag och barnen planterade lite frön i en baginbox.

Friday night chili

You out on some Tom Waits, clean up the kitchen, let your french young friend mix a Fidel Castro and get to choppin'.

Basistmagnet

En man sitter i mitt kök och dricker vin. Han sjunger och pratar och han är snygg.

Han har diskat och han berättar en massa saker.

The weekend is coming!

For lunch today I had a pretty serious lamb curry from the food court. I usually avoid it but I'm in such a good mood today I even survived that.

I'm kinda love high without being in love. I love my friends and myself and the world. I feel loved.

And also I got a little surprise today. A good one!

Listening to: Hoven Droven

Night lost

Augh I'm so very tired. Went to bed too late and didn't go to sleep until even later. On the subway now, not so very late! I'm proud of myself!

Today I got my spring jacket from the closet and my winter one will hopefully take it's place rather soon.

I need coffee.

Ah at least it's Friday.

Listening to: Kyuss

Lunch

Gick för att köpa lunch, skulle in lite snabbt på Clas Ohlsson och köpa dammsugarpåsar.

Gick ut med dammsugarpåsar, en förlängningsladd, en sladd till förstärkaren och en reflex. Kom på att jag ville ha lite nya gummisnoddar och gick in på H&M. Kom ut med två olika gummisnoddsfnurror och en hel del underkläder.

So far so good. Jag behöver faktiskt alla de grejerna.

Jag behövde också någon sorts A5-mapp. Det blev en pärm, plastfickor och en läder-mapp. Och en barnsax. Kanske lite mer än nödvändigt. Suck. Ibland är jag så heteronormativ.

Annars är jag på bra humör. Ska på studentspex ikväll!

Lyssnar på : Truck Fighters, Kyuss, Danzig.