this is not America

It's Ireland, and Amazon's "Kindle" is not available for purchase here. Not that I would have afforded it, but I want it. Really.

This makes me want to move to the States even more. Damn.

water

I'ts raining. It's pouring down like there's no tomorrow. The summer was bad, but all autumn and "winter" has been nice... A bit cold at times but that's ok with me. But now, finally, the real Irish rain has started. You can hardly look out the window without getting soaked.

Listening to: Sisters of Mercy - Temple of Love

today...

I'm doing routercalls, which is quite restful compared to doing SOC-mails. I feel utterly stupid and mostly like I'm forcing other people to work more rather that being part of a team and doing something constructive and everything, and I know that it's always like that when you're new and stuff but I still don't like it and I'm completely stressed out all the time and get even more nightmares...

Well, routers. Could do it in my sleep. Nice and relaxing.

When I get bored I play Zuma, create accounts in sites like Twitter, or read this blog.

We're halfway to the weekend. And halfway trough thursday. I have failed to quit coffee, but at least I'm down to one cup a day. A big cup though. Tripple espresso cappuchino. But whatever, anything is better that the greyish, sickly, disgusting crap from the machine in the canteen - even though it's free.

Lunch today was great, chicken rolls with feta and red pesto, Maria is a godess when it comes to cooking.

typical

Just because yesterday was such a good day... I had a lot to do, a lot to keep my mind busy, to keep me occupied, to keep my mind off... stuff...

Of course I had to dream about him. We where searching for each other in a big forest. Mobile phones made it easier. And we found each other, and it was like it always is when we reunite in my dreams. Great. Then I woke up, and it felt shitty, and the rest of the day felt mostly shitty as well. 

I used to dream about him all the time. We used to joke about it. We used to joke about most things. 

It does'nt matter anymore. We will never be together and I'm trying to accept that. 

Whatever... Tonight was pretty good, me, Ida and Maria had Swedish Meatballs with potatoes, sauce and lingonsylt. Kickass. 

Also my darling, my Mr. Pink, my dear harddrive, is not feeling well. It's frustrating and takes a lot of my time. 

Listening to: Tobbe "Sjökexet" Carlsson's mashup remixes, like Kaah vs. Timbaland - The Way Dom Tittar.

rich

I got everything really. I can't think of anything better than spending the evening with a couple of good friends (Johan and Olof), watching a very very good movie (Romero's Diary of the Dead), eating my favourite food (peking duck from Eva House of course) and my favourite ice cream (B&J's Caramel Chew Chew). 

Spending a couple of hours listening to music and talking shit about nothing at all is also great stuff. 

And oh! I made someone happy today! Maybe the best thing ever. "Best christmas present in 27 years" could be the best review I've ever got. 

My first day working "for real" (not that I had a clue what I was doing or anything) went rather well. Everyone was very helpful and nice. 

Also I've decided what I'm going to do with all my stuff in Sweden. Since it doesn't look like I'm going back I'll get rid of most of it. Give it away probably, maybe sell some, throw some away. So; if you're in Lund this spring, and you want free stuff (and trust me, I've got some nice stuff) just let me know. If you want to buy stuff that's okay too. 

Less than one week to Maria's birthday now. 21 - internationally all grown up. I've got five days to find a perfect perfect gift, since that's what she always get's me. 

Shit.

Well. Going to get myself a couple of gifts too. T-Shirt Hell is closing down.

Just wish the nightmares would give me a break. Seriously. So much death and pain and stuff going wrong and everything is absurd. Things breaking. 

Listening to: Party Ben bootleg mashups. Like Drop It Like It's A Whole Lotta Love.

trying to shut up

There is so much I would want to write. So much going on in my head. I'm thinking about one single thing all the time, I can't make the thoughts go away. I can't make the feelings go away. I wrote that I would try to hold on to the anger, but I don't really have that in me. I'm not an angry person. 

I just lost all hope. Now all I have is emptiness. Really, I know how that sounds. And I promise that I haven't started hanging out outside of Tesco with the other emo kids. But I feel numb. 

I really want to tell you about how work is good, got my new computer and everything, and how I bleached Hannah's hair last night and had some pasta and a glass of wine with her and Eoghan, or how we where out at Mahon Point with Carin on thursday and I bought a new boat-picture, or how everything is good and I'm happy. It's true too. 

I have trouble sleeping, falling in my dreams and waking up with my heart racing, and when I really do sleep I have nightmares. 

We had so much fun. I was happy. It's all so different now. 

So yeah... Failing at shutting up. Well. It doesn't matter. If anyone actually missed that I'm feeling like shit I would be surprised. 

It all comes down to this: the only thing I hope for now is actually that he's happy. I really want him to be happy. 

I try to cling to reality and that's hard. I try to focus on things I need to do; my room is a mess, I have stuff I need to sort out, I should probably do some laundry. There's a party tonight. I want to go there and be happy. 

Instead I'm wondering how it can hurt so much. How is it possible that I can feel this physical pain? Still? After so long? I don't get it. 

Fuck it.

illest

Yesterday I took my first calls at my new desk! And today my old desk was moved. All my frieds are now sitting over with the Spanish people. Which is just weird. Weird that I'm not moving with them. We're shattered. People aren't very happy about it.

In other news I have a mean flu. Drinking lot's of lemsip but still really sleepy and my throat is really sore and my head is hurting a lot.

Last night me, Sandra and Rob watched "Lost Boys", 'cause Sandra needed to see a vampire flick that wasn't scary. It went quite well. She only jumped a couple of times.

Today my order of t-shirts from Threadless arrived!!! Six of them! And four for mom. Joy!

Listening to: The aircon. And sometimes calls.

night time

...is the right time.

I'm in a good mood. I should be asleep, but hey, I should have been asleep at two thirty last night as well.

We had a very nice meeting with our landlady (who isn't really our landlady, only responsible for our house). I had peking duck from the Chinese takeaway place around the corner (which after some research, mostly provided by my dad, turns out to be actually just duck but it's so wonderful!), b&j, watched an episode of Buffy and one of Angel with Maria, and then I watched John Landis' Animal House with the spectacular John Belushi being just generally drunk and a bit gross and... simply wonderful, and I had a nice hot mug of lemsip. 

Listening to: Be Good Tanyas - Hello Love

get out

You said you didn't want to become a memory. But I think it's time.

I found someone else but it didn't work. This time there's no one else, only my own self-preservation. If I don't get over you I'll loose my fucking mind.

So I'll try to hold on to this anger. I'll try to hold on to my pride. It's time.

home

...is where the heart is.

I've spent eight hours a day, every weekday, in the same place for a little more than a year now. I could imagine moving, although I really don't want to, but I cannot imagine quitting here. Seriously. I'm moving to another department - sooner than expected, even - but in reality it's not many metres away. Five, maybe. The same room, the same co-workers, a different job.

But as I leave my old department, it will shut down.

It feels nothing less than strange. It has been my base since I came here. It's a releif to understand why things have been the way they have lately, but... I really don't want the people that I have been working with untill now to leave. Many will be transferring to other accounts I'm sure. All of them I hope. With all my heart.

Change is life. That does noot mean that it always feels good.

truth and dreams

I had a dream about a man who could change the colour of his eyes. His hair was long and he was very rich.

Christmas has been christmas, food and wine and mild chaos. I'm tired now.