trying to shut up

There is so much I would want to write. So much going on in my head. I'm thinking about one single thing all the time, I can't make the thoughts go away. I can't make the feelings go away. I wrote that I would try to hold on to the anger, but I don't really have that in me. I'm not an angry person. 

I just lost all hope. Now all I have is emptiness. Really, I know how that sounds. And I promise that I haven't started hanging out outside of Tesco with the other emo kids. But I feel numb. 

I really want to tell you about how work is good, got my new computer and everything, and how I bleached Hannah's hair last night and had some pasta and a glass of wine with her and Eoghan, or how we where out at Mahon Point with Carin on thursday and I bought a new boat-picture, or how everything is good and I'm happy. It's true too. 

I have trouble sleeping, falling in my dreams and waking up with my heart racing, and when I really do sleep I have nightmares. 

We had so much fun. I was happy. It's all so different now. 

So yeah... Failing at shutting up. Well. It doesn't matter. If anyone actually missed that I'm feeling like shit I would be surprised. 

It all comes down to this: the only thing I hope for now is actually that he's happy. I really want him to be happy. 

I try to cling to reality and that's hard. I try to focus on things I need to do; my room is a mess, I have stuff I need to sort out, I should probably do some laundry. There's a party tonight. I want to go there and be happy. 

Instead I'm wondering how it can hurt so much. How is it possible that I can feel this physical pain? Still? After so long? I don't get it. 

Fuck it.