Beeep

Today they're going through all the wards and testing the alarms. For hours there's been a constant beeping. It's horrible. There's a guy here who has some trouble with his temper who almost exploded at breakfast.

I'm still tired from last night and went back to bed after breakfast and a meeting with a counselor type person. She told me about stuff that I can do and help I can get to make my life work again. Felt good. But falling asleep in the noise is not easy.

Now I should try to wake up and maybe take a quick shower and have another cup of tea before I go home and do the laundry.

Another day in paradise

So today I had a long, stressful, confusing and pretty bad day. I had a stupid and meaningless fight, I was tired, my confidence is crap (I'm in a fucking mental institution, good luck feeling on top of shit) and stuff in general is shitty.

Ended with a game of scrabble at the ward and it was fun. It feels nice hanging out with people who also feel like shit. We can laugh at it. And we do, and we laugh at the fact that we're laughing. We tell each other that our craziness is okay and laugh at it. We're all here. We all have reasons. I can forget about my life and all the crap and all the things I've done that have lead me here. I can forget about how I have failed completely. I'm normal here.

And when I'm not here that feeling lingers for a while. It follows me out into the world.

I'm getting new meds soon. And tomorrow I'm going home to do some laundry.

Hello from the ward

So I've not told very many, close friends and my parents, but I committed myself to a psyche ward. Because of the suicide thing. Or, because I wanted to do it, I had a plan. I had sleeping pills and I was gonna get some booze and a knife and get in a hot bath. Make sure it was gonna work. Make sure I was alone.

I didn't do it though. I came here and I've been here a week now.

It helps me. I feel better. I still cry and ask the nurses why it's so important that I stay alive, I've been alive for almost thirty years, can't that be enough? If I don't want to live, why do I have to? Why?

But today me and a couple of the other patients played scrabble and talked about literature and poetry and movies and cigarettes and a lot of other things and it feels good to be with people who also feel like shit. We can laugh about it.

Today I feel like shit

Reality comes back, bared teeth, hot breath. Sharp claws resting against my throat.

I freeze up, feel sick. My appetite dissappears and I get tired and apathetic. Crawl up inside, eyes tightly closed. But the monster is real and won't go away.

More invisible clawmarks on my skin. More deep and painful wounds. Unbearable pain. Failure, again. Always.

Zero percent

That's how much I know about the world. There is no way for me to foresee the effects of my death. So I'm not going to kill myself.

I just don't want to be alive.

Shitty shit

So today I found out that I won't be getting any money. I thought I was. The let down floored me and I went into some kind of suicidal stupor type of thing. I slept for five hours or so and woke up again around eight when my dad called.

Talking to him made me feel a little bit better and eventually I managed to eat some food and even make some hot chocolate. And I took a bath! And washed my hair! So living through this day and washing my hair and eating food; I must say that I'm impressed. Even though the thought of suicide was one of the things that got me through the day.

It's been a safety net for me for a few years now. When I have panic attacks or just feel insanely depressed I think about killing myself and I feel better. I don't know why but lately I've started being worried about how realistic those thoughts have become.

Ben has been kinda not awesome today but besides being a bit mad at him I just feel... well, nothing. I don't really care. I wish he would have been more present and supportive but he's not and I don't really care. My parents have been. And that's kinda surprising. I love them.

How is this supposed to work

Sometimes it hurts too much. Sometimes I just don't understand how so much pain can fit inside one person.

I feel pathetic. Useless. Lonely, so lonely, I hate being lonely.

There's a scream inside me, without beginning or end. The scream I'm constantly not screaming. I'm cold all the way into my soul. I'm a desert. I'm dead.

I'm a fucking emo. I despise myself for it. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Feels

Normally I get to bed pretty late but today I'm pretty tired. So I'm going to bed super early in stead.

Miss my darling. Miss him so much. All the time.

We're working out the issues that arise in polygamous relationships. It's going well. But I worry, because I am a human. I want to have a full life even though I love someone who is very far away from me. I want hugs and cuddles and stuff.

Also the last episode I watched of Fringe was so sad.

Otherwise it's been a good day. Done dishes and vacuuming and some tidying up. Talked to people I like.

Now I'm just really cold. Ugh.

Led bones

So tired, heavy. Body and mind moves slowly if at all. Every thought is painful, like I broke my brain and it's not healed. Every movement, electrical impulse, makes it start bleeding.

I miss Ben really bad. It hurts how much I miss him.

Papers. Important papers.

Just found a big stack of them. Hiding in a drawer.

It makes me so stressed that I feel sick. I feel stupid and I can't read what it says and there's a buzzing in my head that just won't stop.

I need help but there's no one to help me.