Riot

It turned around. Like when you stay awake for a couple of days and stop being tired, you wake up again. The backup energy kicks in and you're wide awake. It's like that. I stopped feeling sad and angry and just accepted everything and laughed.

Or maybe I'm crazy.

My appetite does that thing, that thing that it does sometimes. Let's say it's resting a bit.

I'm not angry anymore. I can't stay mad at anyone for long.

I woke up this morning expecting to feel sad again, but it's still there. The calm.

preassure ||

Forgot to mention; lots of trouble with my apartment in Sweden and my insurance. And sweet lord candy Jesus my back hurts. And my head. And I'm hungry as well.

Nothing else to be said.

preassure

Today was a bad day. My mom's ex's mom died last night. They where together for a few years and we spent a few major holidays there. Mom and her were really close even after Mom broke up with Anders. She was a wonderful person.

Also I'm feeling kinda sad about other things. I don't fall so easy anymore, as I used to when I was younger, but it's no fun when it happens.

salt and sugar

Chips and olives for breakfast untill my mouth is numb from all the salt, three or four in the afternoon in front of the tv, drinking coffee and crying to the old american movie about doomed love, home alone. Writing long emails and short ones.

Wrestling in bed with my friends, tickling and hugging and eating more chips, loosing faith in the world after listening to Olof's stories from Palestine. Pancakes (Swedish ones) for dinner, very sweet with jam and whipped cream.

Downloaded Curse of Monkey Island. And Beethoven's first to ninth, and Ika i Rutan. (Ika in the screen, best children's tv show ever. Every episode.)

Remembering the past with Maria in the kitchen late at night, bringing back memories that hurt. Childhood.

Sunday. I am truly thankful for my friends.

Shake my ground

Life is more than just life. It's a situation.

Just tell me to stop hoping. Tell me it will never be. Tell me to stop wishing. Tell me to let go.

Yeah, dad, your right. Really. There is so much more to life than boys.

So: I cannot ******* believe Russia won the Eurovision. Sweden got one twelve and it was from Malta! Backstabbed by all of Scandinavia exept Denmark as well. It was fierce competition but Russia!?! That song blew! Why not Israel or France or even Spain!?! Or... Sweden? Even "Shady Lady" was better and I hated that song as well. Ukraine came in on second place second year in a row. How on earth could Sweden fall behind Iceland? And that insanely bad pirate song? Bosnia Herzegovina should have won. Or... Anything. But Russia. My god. Sweet lord candy jesus.

But for all my Swedish readers: the guy talking in Ireland (the equivalence of Pekka Heino that is) was insanely funny. Win.

Even Greece would have been better since I could imagine going to Greece (yes I do want to go to the final one day. It would be awesome). On the other hand, theres bound to be a huge party in Moscow.

In other news the local rugby team, Munster, won the Hieneken cup final against Toulouse tonight. The whole city has been hysterical about that. The Rebel Army and stuff.

I change my mind daily

Damn! I feel so unfocused. Sometimes everything is alright and sometimes it's not. Sometimes I'm very forgiving, sometimes I'm genuinely pissed off. I just realized something yesterday, something I told someone a while ago. Something like not wishing to return to what was. Not wishing to return to sporadic emails every now and then. Wishing to maintant a certain amount of contact. Some days (tha days that I actually get an email) it's ok. I forgive everything. Then, a few days later, it comes creeping. I miss him, and I feel dissapointed. Because what little contact we actually have now is less than we had when he had just moved to London and I was still in Sweden. Eventually I feel less irritated and just stop caring.

So I do my best to focus on the feelings I actually have for him. On how nice he is when we actually get to spend time together. That he cleans the coffee machine and brings me airport whiskey and how funny he can be. But it drifts of into the past, further off for every day. My focus shifts. I find new areas of interest. Even though I try as hard as I can not to.

Youre right, I do think too much. Way too much.

Strange land

Ireland. ”Summer”. Tricked. The sun was shining down on me so hard for a couple of weeks. Now; monsoon. Thanks a lot.

I'm feeling... Not great. I won't get my contacts, so I'll have to order them to my mom and ask her to mail them to me. Whatever, it probably wont take any more time than to order them here.

That kind of suits my mood though. What I want I can't have. It makes me sad. And generally a bit... moody. So if I'm not in a good mood, it's because of that. I'm not spoilt (not much anyways) but I just never get what I want. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Whatever it is, it just... doesn't work.