where does the good go?

Oh, I'm okay. Momentarily I get angsty - I am standing at the crossroads, there's this big change right ahead of me, I'm in transit and whatever, but I'm pretty much okay.

I just really miss some people. Most of my friends in Sweden I'm hoping on seeing pretty soon and I know the little pinch of pain when I think of the first couple of months with Joe will feel less painful in a couple of weeks.

I miss Ida.

Otherwise I'm reading the last Harry Potter book, and it's extremely scary and stuff is happening and... stuff. At the moment I'm eating end-of-the-month-dinner; pasta with leftover blue-cheese-sauce that Maria made the other day. Delicious if not a very big dinner.

Listening to: My Playlist - at the moment Leonard Cohen - Who By Fire

well

It's sad. It is more sad than I am. The situation. We where a pretty good couple, in my eyes. And of course I am sad as well, 'cause it was real nice, you know? But I think the concept of the couple was probably better than the actual couple, and I knew it wouldn't work, but it's still sad. It's sad because he was such a great guy and it was fun to have a boyfriend and I had fun with him. But then, I think he will be just as great as a friend, and it feels right now as though I wont be very sad in a week. Bit now I am. Now I feel like... Damn. He is so great. I am crazy about him. He is good looking and the sex is great and he has a great taste in music and I have fun with him. Right now all the things that made me realize that this wasn't ment to be feel distant and all his good sides stand out. But I knew that there was an end, and this end was still better than I had hoped, actually, because he was honest and brave and he could talk about it and be open and fair and... Yeah. I guess it's actually the best way it could end.

I still feel wierd about not texting him and not getting texts from him saying sweet things like "I haven't seen you for like two days! I miss you!" or stuff like that. I'll never fall asleep in his arms again, he'll never call me darling again.

I kinda know that the best things about him will still be there. I kinda know we'll be friends. And yeah... It's okay.

It's just that it was so nice, having a boyfriend. Falling asleep in his arms. Waking up when he comes back. I knew it would end. I just hoped it wouldn't be so soon.

It hurts. But not in the same way as heartbreak has felt before, and I'm sad about that too. I am - was - crazy about him but the pain does not make me break down the same way as it did... Before.

Listening to: My playlist, of course. (Witch ironically plays "Little Bit" by Lykke Li at the moment.)

2003

So I should definitely be cleaning the house but I accidentaly got stuck in front of the computer! Oh no! Who would have thought!?

I started reading my old web-diary. Not blog, web-diary. From before blogging. And man, I was funny and outspoken and honest and deep and verbal in 2003. So much happened that year it's hard to believe! I dropped out of school, drank too much, was too young, moved to Italy, got back, moved to Malmö, moved back to my Mom - again - started working as a blacksmith, met Johnny, one of the funniest boyfriends I ever had, and a thousand other things. The funniest thing about this is that I never wrote about anything that actually happened, I only wrote about my own feelings, all the time. But the present me - back then, the future me - understands what eighteen-year-old-me meant.

This diary was kept for very many years and can be found at Helgon. You do have to be a member though. If you are, and you want to read it, my username there is CookieKitten, of course. Helgon is a community, I have been very active there in my youth but I'm old now and I don't log on very often, just keeping track of a couple of friends who havn't yet actualized the transition to Facebook/blogs/real e-mail.

Okay, I should take a break from reading (and copying to my PC) old diary posts I guess. And get dressed and go do something with my boyfriend.

Listening to: My Playlist at Spotify (got a couple of invites if it's needed!)

GO GO GO

GO SHORTY
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY

So yeah we celebrate this special day by filling out another little questionaire, 15-year-old-blogger-style. YEAH!


Finish the sentences

Finish the sentences. Some may be uncomfortable, but you'll manage. Repost it as "Finish the sentences" when you're done!

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss... was a bit rushed.

2. I am listening to... people at work talking.

3. I talk... like a normal person.

4. I love... my family and my cats.

5. My best friend/s... are never far away, even when they are in other countries.

6. My first real kiss... was nice.

7. Love is… retarded.

8. Marriage is... even more retarded.

9. Somewhere, someone is thinking... about new energy sources.

10. I'll always... hate onions.

11. The last time I really cried was... yesterday when I thought about my cats.

12. My mobile phone ring tone is ... catchy.

13. When I wake up in the morning... I might be a bit hungover, and if I'm really lucky my boyfriend will be beside me.

14. Before I go to bed… I should remember to take out my contacts.

15. Right now I am thinking... that I miss my family today, and that my workmates are great, 'cause they give me cake.

16. Babies are... scary.

17. I get on Myspace... never.

18. Today I miss... well, obviously my family, my friends in Sweden, my cats, everyone who isn't here.

19. Tomorrow... I'll have a little party, feel free to pop by!

20. I really want to be... in Sweden at the moment.

21. Someone that will most likely repost this is... no one at all.

There you go, that wasn't so bad was it? I'm so grown up... Boring answers. Sheesh.

just one more day

Woooooo tomorrow I'm 25!

Some last minute tips: I want pretty much anything from this shop.

So I haven't been posting in ages I know. I have been trying but I got a total blogger's block. Blocker. Well. Nothing very interesting has happened but I'll update you on what's been going on anyways:

I have been working, as usual. It's okay.

I am pretty poor this month. I will probably be poor next month too. It sucks. I can't really do stuff.

Joe and I went to see Baby Gramps on sunday. He was a genius. A very old genius.

I saw Harry Potter on sunday as well. The latest movie. It was scary and sad and good.

I put in a contraceptive implant yesterday. It didn't hurt even though the syringe was as big a a pen. Hurts now though.

Sandra comes to cork on sunday and that's like the best thing ever.

I miss Sweden a lot. I miss my cat's. Jupiter needs a new home, maybe I won't ever see him again. This makes me almost cry.

The doctor gave me nasal spray for my snoring. Hope it helps.

So I think that is pretty much it. Tonight me and Hannah are going to see a Swedish movie and eat Swedish pea soup today.

The end.

FANDOM

Okay you guys seriously you won't believe this this is so cool: I'M GOING TO GET MY NAME IN JOHN DIES AT THE END! For real! Can you even begin to grasp the TOTAL AWESOMENESS? Awesome in the real meaning of the word! I could scream! This is the best! This book will actually for real contain my name, printed in each and every copy! THANKS DAVID WONG!

Check it out! Me and some three hundred other fans get our names printed at the end of the book.

look!

Imma bloody see ALL THOSE BANDS! At Electric Picnic!

400

So John Dies At The End (or, well, David Wong I guess) twittered this earlier. It's an article about a six year old girl with scizophrenia. It's quite unsettling and very interesting. (By the way a paper copy of the book John Dies At The End would be a perfect present for me.)

Today I haven't been doing very much. I went to the gym. I had Indian food. I've tidied my room a little but it still looks like shit I'm afraid.

Listening to: My playlist on Spotify.

wishes

So people have started asking what I want for my birthday. There's a list in the sidebar there but I'll tell you right here anyways.

• Electric Picnic tickets
  
• debts payed
• sewing machine
• a tattoo
• a nice backgammon board
• a digital system camera
• Adobe Photoshop
  

...or if you don't feel like spending shitloads of money, get me stuff from Lush (like the shampoo Big) or a voucher at Urban Decay or crafty stuff like yarn in beautiful colours or paintbrushes or Sims 3 or a decent gamer mouse or vouchers at Vibes & Scribes or cinema tickets or a nice dinner. (Although I guess a nice backgammon board doesn't have to cost a shitload of money.)

So there's not a lot of news or I would post more often. Joe is still a good guy and he still makes me smile and I like being with him. My last trip to Sweden was, as mentioned, horrible, stressful and sad but I also met some wonderful people who made up for stress and angst. Sandra (Sandy Twotimes), Ida, my baby sister Kajsa and her wonderful mother Ulrika, beautiful Hannah, Kristoffer, and others. You guys are all so rockn'roll and I don't know what I would do without you. (I would deffo fail at moving anyways.)

Yesterday me and Joe went to see Coraline (after like a hundred years I finally got to see it! In an empty theatre no less!) and I LOVED it and he liked it more than he thought he would so that's all win. I want to make little me-dolls now. Then we celebrated the 4th of july with a BBQ in his backyard, with his housemate Danny the American. Good times. Went out after and even though I was drinking from like five in the afternoon untill one at night I never got drunk, just a bit of a headache. Had lot's of fun though, lot's more fun than I usually have when I go out, mainly just because I was in a really good mood. So I would say a very good weekend.

And listen all of you who I invited to come over: I MEAN IT! It looks like it will be a while untill I visit Sweden again, sadly. So here's some advice: if you're flying from the south of Sweden, fly from Copenhagen. Check flights at Skyscanner.net.

So now I think I'll tidy up a bit in my room and then I might drag my ass to the gym.

Listening to: Spotify. Specifically today: Mozart and Jolie Holland.


---EDIT---
My mother mentioned that I did not mention Robin in my list of people that I met up with while I was home. She is right of course, he was both fun to meet and a big help - as always. And he let me play with the forge! Robin is awesome and I hope, Robin, that if you read this you did not feel forgotten.

Sorry about that.

home...?

So after being home in Sweden for ten horrible and also nice days I am now home in Cork and still feeling stressed out and pretty down.

Down like a fifteen year old emo.

Listening to: Philemon Arthur and the Dung - Femte Hjulet (perfectly describes my mood.)