rebirth

So to try to do something about my depression I decided to start by changing some habits. I'll tell you about them.

Today:

• No coffee, one cup of black tea
• No candy or sugar (except for small amounts of added sugar in my food since I don't want to throw out stuff I bought just a couple of days ago...)
• lots and lots of water
• workout

The plan for the close future is a cleanse, which will start in a couple of days and which will be HORRIBLE. In no way am I going to try to kid myself that it will be easy or in any way fun. It's gonna suck. It consists of mostly broth and nutritious drinks but also allows some vegetables. Gonna try to stop smoking and I think that will be fine, it's the coffee that's difficult. Coffee is the main reason why I'm not doing the cleanse thing right away. I'm gonna try to be a bit kind to my body and do stuff gradually. So a day or two of tea before caffeine is totally out. 

Now I'm gonna start by cleaning my room. A clutter-free environment might help give me a clutter-free mind.

-----edit--------

Okay, I think Emelie might have shared her cold with me after all, or it's caffeine withdrawal, but I think no workout. I feel dizzy.

Trust issues

For years love has meant only pain. Now that I love someone who actually loves me I can't really believe it. I get so frightened. I feel that pain again even though I know he loves me. I trust him but I can hardly trust reality.
Love makes me a bit bonkers.

Oh my love

I feel silly, like I want to sing love songs or write poetry. Bad poetry.
I miss you, I long for you, I burn for you. I can't stand falling asleep without you for 69 more nights. I can't stand it I can't.
Oh my love. You fill my heart with songs and sweetness. Jam and candy. Sunshine and orange juice. You are the one I want. The one I want to be with, to share stuff with. Watch tv with. Wake up with.
Oh my love. So sharp is the contrast between your warm skin and beautiful smile, your eyes like sunshine through beech leaves in the spring and this cold, hard, icy shithole.
Where people are small and spit their venom like pissed off mosquitoes. Only more meaningless.
Oh love. This place makes me sad. You make me happy. I'll be with you soon.

You are not here

Your bag is not on my floor. Your skin is not close to mine. Your hair is not between my fingers, your hands are not touching me, you are gone and I miss you so much.
This morning I woke up next to you but I won't do that again for at least ten weeks.
I miss you.
I didn't cry on the train on my way home and I spent all day in the workshop, until eight or so. When I walked home the moon was so bright and the night so clear that the sliver of light looked like a blade and the rest of the moon was visible like a shadow behind it and you weren't there to see it. You would have loved it.
When I came up to my room your abscence was so strong. You are not here anymore. You are not in my bed. I'm wearing your scarf and I bury my face in it, trying to feel your smell.
I miss you.

Where is my love?

He's waiting to board a plane. I'm on the train back from the airport, where we just said goodbye. I cried on the way to the airport and promised not to do it on the way home. So far so good, but it's difficult.

This week has been wonderful. Completely. I'm so happy that I have gotten to spend it with this wonderful person, that he came to me, that he loves me. He's so much fun. I'm happy enough that the sadness is bearable but I'm gonna miss him so much.

Two and a half hours

On the train. Heart beating like a hammer. Soon. So soon. I feel a bit dizzy and giddy and giggly and very happy.

I bought a box of chocolates but forgot it, and I didn't have time to get my laundry from the laundry room and I have no idea what I packed. But I'm on the train and I know what terminal he's arriving to so I think it'll be okay.

I've been extremely absentminded and confused the last couple of days. And I think I'll be even more absentminded in the week to come.

20 hours

I feel really silly! And so happy that I'm hardly touching the ground when I walk.

Not so much panic right now. I don't really have time any more.

We're going to Tone for dinner and then we're going dancing! After that I'll have to finish packing and pay my bills and fix my hair and take a shower and go to sleep. And in the morning I'm going to the train and then it's just an hours wait at the airport.

And then. Then.

I can't really think about the rest.

25 and a half hours

I'm hungover and a slight panic is setting in.

49 hours

This is nuts. I'm shaking so that I can hardly work. I'm counting hours. Who does that?

two. TWO!!

Sweet baby buddha made of candy. The nerves are NOT calming down. Not even a little.

I have been feeling extremely ugly the last few days, don't know what that is about, normally I think I look pretty nice.

My creativity has some kind of cramp and I have a bit of nausea even. Jeez.

Still I don't feel worried. What's the deal? Why am I so nervous?

Every time we talk my nerves calm right down and I'm just happy to see him. So hopefully that will happen when he gets here.

Until then I need to pack a weekend bag, do some laundry, maybe epilate my legs again (there's a reason for doing it twice! I promise!), finish a shitload of work, bleach my sidecut, move my skis to somewhere where they're not in the way... aaaand I guess that's it? Not sit and hyperventilate constantly?

And oh yeah. I might have bought a new phone last night. I blame the nerves!

Listening to: My Spotify starred list which has a lot of Buraka Som Sistema on it.
Working on: Making paper and clay models of a ring that I'm going to make. And sketches of it. A wedding gift. A large shawl. Metal fake nails.

THREE!!!1!!

OKAY I'M SO FUCKING NERVOUS NOW IT'S CRAZY I'm getting fucking bad skin from being so nervous. My heart is beating like its trying to break out of my chest and I feel like I'm drunk or suffocating. I was not even remotely prepared to feel like this. All if a sudden nothing feels right, I have absolutely nothing to wear, my room looks HORRIBLE, every idea I have is stupid and ... Augh.

At the same time I don't THINK that there's anything to be nervous about. That does not seem to make a difference though.

6

Reading online comics about trying to figure out stuff like sexual orientation and labels and self image and stuff like that, realizing I'm very very lucky to have a mother who never ever tried to pressure me into any sort of label or system or anything else. I don't have a definition of my sexuality and I don't want one. I feel uncomfortable trying to fit into any label, even "harmless" ones like bisexual.

I don't want any labels at all. I'm perfectly fine just being me.

If you feel like you absolutely have to, go with something like this:

• woman
• creative
• chaotic
• loving
• anarchist
• feminist
• beautiful
• young

Thanks mom, for giving me a solid trust in who I am. I can have problems with my looks, I can feel bad about my weight or my difficulty to handle economy, but I never felt any need to label myself for anyone else. I know that that stuff is 100% my own business.

SO yesterday I was gonna spend all day in the workshop but I ended up cleaning a lot and then going to systemet and having dinner with a friend.

I fell asleep around ten, fully dressed with my contacts in. 

But today is a brand new day and I moved my laptop to my desk again! First time in a couple of months actually. Since I started leaving my cam on over night. 

Six days. Exactly. Right now, in six days, I'll be kissing my boyfriend for the first time. It's the strangest thing. 

Now I'm going to make another cup of coffee, then go up to the design classroom for a short visit and then to the workshop where I will hopefully be staying all day. Might bring sandwiches? Hmm.

Six days.