Today's symptoms

So today my depression is mostly physical. Sweating or cold sweating, nausea, stomach ache, tired and confused. Breathing is a bit difficult. Dizziness and sometimes black spots in my vision or slight tunnel vision.

It sucks so hard. I know that if I don't take it easy now I'm gonna have a panic attack, but taking it easy is so hard. I feel super stressed out about looking for work and making important calls and sending important emails but I can't. I need to lie down and breath deeply. Moment 22. Ugh.

Depression diary

Hello. The other day I wrote on Facebook that depression feels different at different times. I wrote that it felt like I was drowning in black slime.

Today I feel tired. Thoughts don't work. My head hurts really bad. I know I should be doing things but the pain makes me confused.

And a bit nauseated.

Ugh

Its sunday afternoon and my head hurts. I just had breakfast and now I'm drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette. 

I feel creative and frustrated about because I can't get it out. I can't do the things I want to do. 

But soon I'm moving south! I feel optimistic, more so than I've felt in a while. 

Hello

Been in such a turbulent mood today. Wavered between calling my psychiatrist and being over the moon. 

Now it's super duper late and I'm really happy and I feel like my life might come together somehow. Not sure how but still. It might work out. 

Miss Ben. But I'm so happy that I get to be his girlfriend and see him smile and talk to him. I'm so in love. 

Sick

I smoked too many cigarettes and didn't drink enough water. My head hurts and my stomach. 

I'm confused and sad and sometimes it feels like I'm getting a grip of that elusive little sliver of thread that will let me unravel this mess, but mostly I just cry a lot and feel apathetic. 

Fear

Maybe I'll never be happy. Maybe I'll always be falling, falling. 

I'm frightened and my heart is hurting. I want my life to begin but I have no idea if it ever will. I don't know what I want. I don't know anything. 

I want to make things, paint things. Be creative. Unstoppable, happy, on fire. 

Maybe that's my goal. A small cottage. A bit of savings. Try to live of my art and crafts and writings. Jewelry. My dreams. 

A house in the forest, a dog. Far away. 

Sigh

Got an email from the place I was at an interview, saying I didn't get the job. 

Time to take a deep breath and give this more effort. I need a job. Now. Yesterday. 

But the whole catch 22 thing drives me around the bend, I really need a counselor or something like it. I need to talk to a doctor, I need calm and routine to get the energy to actually manage to do a good job at looking for a job... But to get that I need a job. Ugh.

It all makes me so tired.