Nine years and eleven months

Since I started writing on this blog! In one month (approximately) the blog will be 10 years old. That means I was 22 when I started writing it. A lot has happened since then.

Right now I'm sitting in the floor in my craft room. I'm drinking tea. It's cold. I'm talking to a good friend on messenger. About narcissists. Last night I read this article and so much fell into place. Everything I went through at school in Leksand about four years ago suddenly made sense. It was like reading a checklist, or like someone had been watching exactly everything that happened. I was the perfect victim for a narcissist. I was so easy to manipulate. To befriend, to turn against. To turn everyone else against. I wish people weren't so willing to turn against me.

But it answered the question that has been on my mind almost constantly since then: why?

Why did this happen? What did I do?

I'll always be grateful for the people who didn't eat up every lie she spread like it was some kind of divine truth. The people who had my back, who helped and supported me. And most of all to the few that are still my friends. Those people show me that I'm actually okay, I'm not some kind of monster. Because if I was, I would not get to have the coolest, most amazing, kindest, most thoughtful, talented friends.

I can't say losing people who listen to rumors and accept lies is a huge loss.

Eeeeyo

Time for a late night bath after spending AAAAALL day waiting for a delivery that never showed up!! An important delivery too! Not okay.

Sweet dreams from England!

Boiling brain

It's worse than the usual "full of bees". It's storming in there, I can't sit still, intense, panicky anxiety and stress takes over body and mind.

Chachachachaaaanges

Changes are so stressful! I've had a ... not good, but not very bad summer. I've felt lonely and isolated. I've missed Sweden. I've dealt with psychiatrists that did not give a flying flunk about me, my feelings, my experiences and my thoughts. I've mostly been indoors. But I've been with my darling. I've been in love. I've been carefully dreaming a little about the future instead of only trying to shut all thoughts up. I've been feeling hopefull. Now fall is here and it brings storms of change, good change but still stressful because it's change.

It's difficult when you have a lot to do and remember, and your brain just sort of shuts down. I get to keep some functions. I can cook, even though I get really stressed if there's anything that doesn't go according to plan. I can worry about stuff. I can make stuff even though I also make a mess. I've been patching my infinity skirt the last couple of days, at the moment I'm on patch number 20 for this specific round and there's still a ways to go. It makes my back ache but I want to get it done. I've been making some cards and spinning some yarn and carving some stamps.

And I've started thinking about Christmas! Mmmm Christmas. I still love Christmas. Even though I've experienced some shitty ones.

More specifically I've started to think about what I should get for Chris. He's a super tricky guy to shop for.

And of course having several panic or anxiety attacks every day! Woop! Fun stuff!

Anyway, I'm going to bed.

Denmark

You smile at a stranger with a cute dog. They don't smile back.

You call somewhere. A clinic perhaps. They say that someone will call you back shortly. They never do.

You're waiting to cross the street. The light switches to green. Before you're half way over it's red again.

You speak to a shopkeeper while being a woman. They are rude and unwilling to answer any questions.

You lie in your bed at night. You're trying to sleep. Outside your window people are screaming or singing. It's late at night on a Tuesday. A motorcycle drives past, the motor is very loud.

You exit your apartment. The stairwell stinks of cigarette smoke, piss and beer. 

You want to sort your garbage. You want to throw paper and plastic in separate bins. You cannot. There is only one bin.

You want to go out and do something fun without drinking. You cannot. There is nothing else than pubs.

You want to eat at a restaurant, but you don't want to eat meat. You cannot.

Denmark.

Minus thirty

On the angst scale. I was at -20, and slowly I got up to -15, and now I'm at -30 and everything feels difficult and horrible. I sleep a lot. My head feels like a blender. My body feels tired, worn out, electric, aching. My stomach hurts all the time. I cry a lot. And of course I feel bad about feeling bad.

Overdrive

My head is full of bees. Panicked bees, spinning around and around, buzzing, buzzing so loud it's like a scream. A loud, sharp, high, shrill scream. A scream containing a thousand different screams.