Today I read on the Internet that panic attacks can come in a lot of different shapes, so to speak. I had no idea. My outbursts of rage has been panic attacks? I'm having panic attacks on a daily basis without knowing. I thought only the super heavy "can't breathe or think or anything"-versions where the only ones that counted. The ones where I'm crying and hyperventilating for hours. But the small ones count too.
Today I had one for absolutely no apparent reason whatsoever. Low blood sugar and no control over the situation, and I just exploded. Everything was fine and a few minutes later I was screaming. Completely lost control over myself.
I often feel like the panic attacks are my status quo or something. Like I would be screaming and crying hysterically all the time if I wasn't actively controlling myself. So much energy goes into controlling
myself and if something happens that takes my energy or attention from that loosely held control everything spills out. All the screams are inside me all the time, trying to break free. And they do.
I hate living like this. It's been like this for years now. Not all the time but most of the time.
I hate myself. I hate everything. I feel like an animal, not a human. Like I'm less than human. I hate it.