I realize that I might seem lazy. I know I'm whiny. I'm egotistical (egoistic?) and any form of pressure makes me feel like shit.
The thing is that while it's true that I am whiny I am not lazy. I might be a bad person but I'm not lazy.
There is no outside pressure that can match the pressure I put on myself, and that pressure funks me up completely. I've probably been "burned out" or exhausted-depressed or whatever it's called for four years, and it's only made me more exhausted. I've built a complicated system of behavior to keep myself isolated from others, life, responsibility, myself and the world.
I hate myself and I'm so sick of being alive, of being me. The dude that I love really makes me feel like staying alive but somehow I seem to make more thought traps than ever now. Circular arguments, going around in my head. More pressure. Now it's important for real to become well again! I have to do it! If I keep being sick it's going to be so difficult! I have to get well! NOW!
The feeling makes me exhausted. I have no idea how to get well. But I don't think forcing myself is going to work. I've tried that for years.
So I need to not think about getting better? How is that supposed to help?
I keep thinking about stuff that happened in the past. People hating me, judging me, everything falling apart over and over again. And I keep worrying about the future. How are we going to make stuff work? What if he gets tired of me? It's easy. Everybody does it.
EVERYBODY. He will get tired of me. I need to get better or he will hate me. He will either way. Nothing matters. I hate myself. How can anyone love me if I hate myself?
Not thinking about getting better is like not thinking at all. Shutting down. That doesn't help.
I have no idea what to do. I'm stuck in a loop. I'm so tired.